Frank...I also wanted to ask you why you are looking to Amy's story to see if your wife is in MLC or a WAS???
I guess partly because I am trying to decide if there is 'hope' for us, or is she gone for good. I think MLC has some kind of hope as the MLC'ers are the ones who come back more often than the WAS.
Why? I guess because if I see her as a WAS I'll stop hoping.
Originally Posted By: AmyC
In the worst part of my MLC, yes, I thought I was "over" him and I was planning another life, Frank.
I envisioned that I could just take our kids and go live with someone else and all would be well. I introduced my children to the SOB that later stalked me and went to jail for it. I glossed over the rough spots I anticipated the kids would have but I truly believed that if I was happy my kids would be happier for it.
See, that's what my W thinks now. She isn't introducing them to anyone but thinks what you thought. Does that mean anything? Probably not.
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The things you have to do FOR YOURSELF don't change and THERE IS NOTHING you can do to speed up the process of MLC if that's what's she's going through. Also, if that's not what it is, you won't ever be able to make that determination.
I firmly believe too much knowledge can be deadly and you are on the edge of snare.
Be alert.
I believe you are right. I'm resolving this week to analyze less and focus on the life I've been given now. Like I've said before, it'd be easier if she was mean, and the roller coaster of the past 7 months makes me think MLC, but now she seems stable.
It's like she thinks I'm fragile or something so she has to leave the marriage 'politely'. The kids on the other hand are not giving her the strokes she needs from them.
Originally Posted By: AmyC
That said Frank, you really need to spend more time dealing with and caring for Frank and less time analyzing your wife.
That's the only thing that got my husband through it.
He finally, truly let me go.
Yeah, I'm getting there. The pain comes in small doses now. Like now she is over here making something for D13 to eat. She 'casually' tells me that she has gotten a P.O. box so that her mail won't have to come here any more.
I think she is 'done', she is just slowly leaving instead of bailing quickly like most WAW's do. I think the last 7 months of living together was a roller coaster because she really didn't know what she wanted to do. Now that she has OM and they seem to be 'compatible' in a lot of ways, she's more comfortable making her exit.
I think she's trading down, like they always do. But regardless she's moving away.
And then, as she leaves to go a few minutes ago she calls me on the intercom to let me know she's left the special 'health vitamins' out so D17 and I can take them and hopefully not get D13's flu.
I hate this. I hate that she can do this. This hurts. P.O. boxes, OM, two souls, walking through the house naked, gotta go to her old home town to 'release' old memories. And I stood for her 3 years ago when she had an affair. And she has never stood for me. Never fought to keep me. Never ever ever ever.
She's so calm, so casual. Everything's perfect, everything is going the way it's supposed to. Nothing to worry about, just get a divorce. It's all good. Well good for her.
I just have to vent as I sit here crying over the loss. I have work to do, I gotta get through this. My kids need their dad.
I don't feel hopeless, just abandoned by the only person I've ever let myself trust.
I've screwed up my life so much by being weak, something I never was before. Still I went through hell and back for her. I'm sorry she thinks the way she does. I don't deserve this.
I am not broken! She made me feel broken in very subtle ways. She didn't mean to, it's just how it came out.
Frank I'm not trying to be mean but I wholeheartedly believe she should not come to your house for a couple of weeks unless it's to pull in the driveway and honk the horn for the girls to come out.
This is as much for her as it is for you.
I'm still very much aware of which reality checks hurt me the most and I don't like encouraging you to dish them out BUT that said, padding the fall is not wise and it's also not healthy for you, in my opinion.
I don't think you're letting her come over for her sake. I think you're doing it for your own sake.
And at the risk of sounding completely schizophrenic, you said something else that I want to respond to:
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it'd be easier if she was mean, and the roller coaster of the past 7 months makes me think MLC, but now she seems stable.
I often appeared very stable and even happy. How else could I have gotten my entire family to believe that leaving was the best thing to do? Deluding oneself is the first step. If you believe your own bullsh*t, eventually everyone around you will, too. My MLC was the performance of a lifetime and I should have gotten an academy award for best dramatic performance in a friggin horror movie. I don't know if she's MLC by definition, Frank. I do think she's a candidate for a complete life crisis, though, which is how I define what I had. At any rate, nothing in their world is perceived by them as it actually is but your personal recognition of that fact should never make you feel superior. I don't subscribe to the general idea that MLC is a mental illness. It is long, painful process of understanding, growth and personal realization among many other things I could go on and on about but that won't get my history written. And I'm actually banking on one or two new revelations of my own for tackling it again so I'd better get to it...
Frank, She may well be "done" but that is only her rality right now. She may have found OM and they may be compatible. But they are only compatible right now and it is still an A.
Her current actions are driven by her current reality which is driven by her fear and insecurity. However, her current reality doesn't change what is right and the things she is doing is not right. Hopefully in time she can realize this.
When you say ".... she really didn't know what she wanted to do" I wonder if it is more like she knew she was wong and was conflicted between what she wanted and what she knew was right. Again, what she wanted based on her current reality.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
Frank I'm not trying to be mean but I wholeheartedly believe she should not come to your house for a couple of weeks unless it's to pull in the driveway and honk the horn for the girls to come out.
This is as much for her as it is for you.
I'm still very much aware of which reality checks hurt me the most and I don't like encouraging you to dish them out BUT that said, padding the fall is not wise and it's also not healthy for you, in my opinion.
I don't think you're letting her come over for her sake. I think you're doing it for your own sake.
Absolutely. Not sure how I'll prevent it but I can make sure I don't talk to her, I can leave or stay in my office. She isn't usually here very long, maybe 1/2 hour.
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And at the risk of sounding completely schizophrenic, you said something else that I want to respond to:
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it'd be easier if she was mean, and the roller coaster of the past 7 months makes me think MLC, but now she seems stable.
I often appeared very stable and even happy. How else could I have gotten my entire family to believe that leaving was the best thing to do? Deluding oneself is the first step. If you believe your own bullsh*t, eventually everyone around you will, too. My MLC was the performance of a lifetime and I should have gotten an academy award for best dramatic performance in a friggin horror movie.
Well I don't think she is happy on the inside, she's just running forward avoiding the pain.
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I don't know if she's MLC by definition, Frank. I do think she's a candidate for a complete life crisis, though, which is how I define what I had. At any rate, nothing in their world is perceived by them as it actually is but your personal recognition of that fact should never make you feel superior.
In her case I think you are right. She has a view of how things will 'work out' and it doesn't include me but it's going to be 'great!' Well good for her.
You have a strange situation. You've "thrown her out" because she's having an affair, yet you don't have a legal separation agreement and you said you won't file. You've given her pretty much free access to the home and kids as long as she asks for permission.
Your interactions with your wife will be uneasy for some time until one of decides to end the marriage or you come to a more crystal clear temporary separation agreement.
The reason people carve out visitation/custody is to prevent the violation of boundaries and to have clear expectations on both sides. It's going to get pretty old having her call you to ask to see the kids, which leads to her "doing" things for them and then, perhaps, for you. It's going to get pretty tough for you to say no after a while.
I think she's been pretty good about asking your permission, but it's pretty weird. Perhaps it's best if you start working towards a controlled separation agreement. There's a book on the subject. It's an attempt to save a marriage, but the idea might work for your situation -- to create clear boundaries and space.
She's showing you that she is taking steps towards her independence: PO Box, paying bills, etc. And yet you lament that these are actions of someone who is "moving on." Are you, perhaps, banking on some tearful epiphany and repentance? I think if you let this "normal" behavior get to you, she'll slowly regain power and control.
By the way, she's much better at detaching than you are. Why? Because, Frank, and AmyC will probably attest to this: SHE DOESN'T REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU. Sure on some level she might, but right now, you are not in the forefront of her concern.
Does this register? She doesn't care about your feelings. She would leave you if she had the money or a sugar-daddy/rescuer. You know this.
She only cares about what your actions can do to her or affect her life. Frankly, she doesn't care about her children as much as she cares about how they validate her feelings of motherhood. She needs them to feel useful and whole. They have been her job for the last 17 years. I'm sure she loves them, but, right now, she loves them in ways that validate her feelings of self-worth.
I think her independence is a good thing. It's reality. Don't lament it. You don't really want a tearful, needy, adolescent returning home to daddy after running away. You got that last time...and what did it get you? You want a real woman. She's taking steps in that direction. She needs her independence to do one of two things: leave you or return to you as a whole and grounded person.
Ask yourself, what do you want more: the tearful needy adolescent to return home, or an independent, strong, woman to make up her own mind and make a fully informed decision? Or to be more blunt, would you rather have her home in complascent resignation and needy capitulation, only to repeat the drama again, or would you have her leave you and make it on her own?
Just wanted to thank all the posters. Lots of great info to read and digest here. Thanks guys! (Amy, when you write the book, let me know. I'll buy one! :P)
It does take a while to get those boundaries in place. It took me several months after I told W she was not sleeping in the same house as me before I took the house keys from her. She was coming and going as she wanted and it was not until she walked in the bathroom while I was showering that I felt my boundaries were being crossed. She was extremely angry when I took the keys but she settled down (most likely OM explained the facts of separation to her). Since then I have given her back a key for taking care of things when I was on vacation. She hardly needs to come to my house anymore, but will call me before she does and it is only to get things for the kids or to slowly get more of her stuff from the house.
Hello there Amy, Frank and everyone. It's me, poet.
Amy, thank you for coming to my thread and asking. I will post my story for you (under this name, Love) tonight when I get home from work. It's going to be long, so I will have to take some time writing it. And then I'll post probably really really late. I don't even get home until 9 p.m.
I am posting here, now, because -- just in case my husband or his young tramp knows where I go -- I want to remain anonymous from them. I will post all of my facts to you under this name tonight, when I get home from work. I'm not sure what the name of the thread will be, but you'll know me by the name, "Love."
Frank, I'm really right there with you as far as my fluxuating feelings are concerned. I had no idea that setting my boundaries would cause my husband to go dark. In your case, your wife did just the opposite. It's amazing how life often works, isn't it?
