Q&A with the WAS

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Q: Did you ever say things about the relationship, undermining things like you didn't know if you wanted to be married anymore? If you did say these things, did you mean them at the time or were you testing your H in any way?

A: I was really cautious about saying things to hurt him only to find that my actions where devastating to him. I can remember saying things to the effect that nothing was getting better. He could always see the positive and I only saw negative.

Q: Did you feel depressed at the time that you were the WAS, and was this part of what led to the decision to WA?

A: Absolutely. I tried for six years to make our M work. I read every book I could get my hands on, searched the web (wished I had found DB) and tried all the techniques. I compromised, I changed a bit, I asked him to change, and asked him to go to counseling and “work” with me at this M. He thought all was well and nothing needed to change. I was depressed. I felt as if he wasn’t invested in making the M better and didn’t want or love me. I constantly felt rejected in one way or another and for those reasons I was depressed. Without him willing to go to counseling I felt I had no choice but to walk away.

Q: During the time that you were the WAS, on any level were you glad that your H was fighting for the marriage even though you wanted less pressure about it? I guess what I'm trying to ask is whether this commitment made up in any way for the way you felt you'd been neglected in your Rs?

A: I was glad that my H was finally fighting for our marriage and through little fault of his own little was changing. I would have liked him to invest time, such as the DBers here are doing, in finding solutions and creating change. That is the way to fight for your M not by pressuring the spouse.

Q: Did you feel guilty while you were the WAW? If so did this play any part in you not wanting to be around your H?

A: I did although I didn’t realize the magnitude of his pain until I became the LBS. I was also cut off from my feelings due to years of frustration and anger. I came home every weekend and sometimes staying longer, continued to go out of town and on vacation because of the guilt but the pressure made me want to stay away.

Q: Did you doubt your decisions as you made them during the process? Just wondering whether you were confused, or felt like you had clarity?

A: I was back and forth throughout the whole process. I was worried I was making a mistake but didn’t know how to make things better or to love him enough again. I told my therapist this and unfortunately she was not pro-marriage and fed me all that mumbo jumbo about “ go with your feelings”, “it’s ok to want to be on your own”, “marriage is difficult but it should not be this difficult” etc etc.

Q: I am doing the LRT but, I believe, my Ws love language is quality time. How do you feel about the LRT?

A: That depends. Did you spend quality time together before? If not and that was one of her complaints then you want to spend more quality time and make the R a priority. In my sitch when I wanted to do the LRT my coach suggested that I not because quality time was H’s complaint during the first separation.

Q: We are living together and while I am not talking about R, I can see she wants to get the D over with. Will D provide us with a better chance to reconcile?

A: One thing that has helped my H and I at least become friends, and I say this a lot, is to show him that I get it. My behavior and actions are that of a friend not a wife. I have also said things such as I get that you do not want to be married right now and I have put aside hope for this marriage.

Q: How did you feel about whether trust could be restored with H? We want to be friends but she is very distance now and frankly I think there have been other EAs. Should I tell her that she needs to work on rebuilding my trust in her?

A: I feel she may get defensive on this one. I understand it was/is hurtful to have your trust betrayed. Trusting again I believe is something that you have to work on within yourself. Hopefully if you show you trust her she will be more trustworthy but you can’t change her actions.