I got lost but look what I found.

[iamlost]

Last night went in several different directions, but ended up at a good place.

H came over and moved big stuff out that was his before we married--so now all the ugly furniture is gone! Just kidding, but really (whispering) it's true. Sorry, H.

I cycled through a lot of emotions during the move. At first, I teared up and walked away so he couldn't see. Then, I was happy and glad to be getting rid of some of the stuff. Then, I was annoyed because he was being bossy--I was helping him move stuff. I had to walk away from him a few times. I have to admit that I did snap at him (which led to our good conversation later, so it wasn't a total loss) because he put my huge bamboo plant in such a precarious position while moving stuff that it fell and the pot it was in shattered. He didn't clean it up, and I didn't have another pot to put it in. That plant is one I've never managed to kill--so I love it! Now I'm afraid it's going to die, so I was mad.

Anyway, I snapped at him on the phone after he left with his load of stuff and then called him back and apologized and said I was out of line. Which I was--it was an overreaction. He apologized and said he'd buy me a new pot.

So, we talked on the phone for a little while, and it cleared the air between us that had been smouldering for several days. And, here's the big news: at one point, H told me that he knows he needs to work on himself. I think I passed out from shock, because I have no memory if I said anything in return. But I was super happy for him. Whether he actually follows through, I don't know, but it was a step forward, definitely, for his own life.

He's in a hurry to get things split up and file, and I actually think it's a good thing. He said that he would feel much more relaxed if everything were just squared away, and the truth is--I would, too. We have 6 months from filing till D is final, and if he can actually relax around me during that time, or work on himself, or even try dating someone else (really), I think he will start making progress on himself instead of having me or our M blocking his view, and maybe we can recreate some sort of relationship, even if it's just a REAL friendship.

And I have a new strategy to try--I want to ask him for his help working on myself. I want him to tell me about the things I've done wrong in our R, and how he thinks I could improve, for myself or any future relationship. What do you guys think?