It seems that it takes me a day or two after contact to shake things off. 20+ years of connection to someone is hard to break. Much better than it used to be, but ot, you are right in that No Contact is what has to be. It still sucks for the co-parenting thing, but this past week just shows that its what has to be. And it doesn't matter what he feels about it or how he sees me, with regards to the co-parenting. I can get him the info by email.
On a realistic point, when I saw him behind my car on my street, I didn't think he was coming to talk to me in any positive way, but to give me more sh!t about something. And if he had wanted to do that, why did I pull over? Or, he was on his way to gf's house (which would be a first since this whole mess started). I reacted too quickly.
I know that wanting someone to be what they don't want to be is selfish. I just get into a state of disbelief that he actually doesn't want to be home. Its not that I want to change him; when I get like that, I imagine / pretend that the "real" man I knew so long is hiding in there, asleep, and I can wake him up. But he has been completely, totally clear--he's awake, and made a conscious choice. I need to respect that. Denial can be a strong thing. I rationalize things too much--what he has chosen makes no sense to me and many other people. But that is irrelevant--it his HIS choice to make! It doesn't have to make any sense to anyone but him.
So, of course, in light of all this, I know that it is over. I know how to move on. Most of my psyche has. I am finding ways to be happy on my own, and success in the daily business of living. My kids are going to be ok. We are all learning many important life lessons through this. And I know that the person he is today is not what I want.
(oh, btw OT--some strong language there! But I read that as you caring enough to get pissed
Now, CR, on the other hand, has many of the qualities that I have come to value and recognize I need a person to have, to have a successful relationship. But we've only spoken on the phone and been together one long day. I am still letting that happen as it will, and seeing where things might lead. I know that there is still so much to learn.
***** Megan--Thank you for writing to me and your kind words. I have seen that quote, and it does ring true. We just can't be so certain of what is in our future, can we? And I know, for myself, that I couldn't let go all at once.
Email only, huh? Not as much closure, but I can tell you that having some of these things said in real-time (either phone or in person) can really rip your guts out. It all sucks.
