God give me the patience and the strength...6

[glamgirl]

TOH you say you are trying, but sorry it's NOT nearly enough.

Why do you get into these convos's with him and then cycle cycle cycle round and round and round again? H's says I am done, you say I am done let's file and then you talk again it'a all good you say h is getting better, then .......

Do you not see this? Let h go for now, don't go to his place and check on him, don't get into any R talks with him, just be his friend.

[LL44]

Ditto glamgirl. Ditto. Although you said it much nicer than I would have....

[MidwesternGirl]

TOH--Just let him be. Sounds like you cycle more than he does and you really do not want him to see you like that. You have to worry about you, not him.

[theotherhalf]

I'll admit I cycle as much as he does. When he is better, I am better, when he is down, I am down. I'm telling you as I've told him it's OW.

If there was no OW I could leave him be to do what he needs to do. If I didn't hear from him in a week, I wouldn't worry whether or not he's with OW. I would know he's doing what he needs to do. Honestly I can deal with all of this MLC crap except the OW. And I know that means that I give her too much power but it is what it is. I think alot of that goes back to my faith in myself, my self esteem. I don't "trust" enough that he'll choose to be with me again if I let him go and she is there.

Make sense?

And yet I also tell myslef that this thing with her and him has to die out on it's own. Without any help from me. If I am the one that causes it to end, there is a good chance he'll always wonder what if, and a real good chance it could happen again. But it is so hard on ME to do what is right. So against my being and what I have always believed in. I am really, really trying. It's just so damb hard.

The biggest thing I need to learn to do is not to react or to walk away from the sitch at hand. If I could do that more times than not, things would go so much smoother. But again, so damb hard to do.

[a new 2moro]

So against my being and what I have always believed in.

soooo......your beliefs tell you it is all right to bash ow to a pulp????

its too bad toh.....if he came home today....it wouldnt work becoz you havent changed. its all someone elses fault. you dont take any responsibility for your own self.

well there is an OW, you cant change that....its par for the course, the only thing you can change is you and its easier for you to cast blame on ow that look at you.

you continue to let it cycle this way and take what crumbs he throws to you...then you proclaim hes getting better. hes content to let this go on as well becoz then he doesnt have to work on himself as well. it has been this way at least a year.....it will be this way in a year.

[theotherhalf]

did I EVER say what I did was okay or justitfied??? Never! I know what I did was very wrong and I've admitted that and am taking responsibilty for it. A while back H said he was sorry that it happened. That it was his fault. I told him no, I am the one that committed the crime not him.

and your very wrong an2m. I have changed, in sooo many ways. I am a different, stronger person and everyone that knows me sees that but H.

And NEVER EVER have I blamed anyone for my faults! If anything I have taken way to much blame for things that I have had no control over or that were someone elses faults. I don't give myself enough credit for being a good person.

Bottom line here is I am FAR from perfect. I make mistakes every hour of every day. BUT I did not have an affair. I don't lie. I've always been committed and appreciated my M and my family. I don't blow money. I go to work every day and take care of my family. I am raising H's neice by myslef for god's sake. And after all that has happend in the last year and a half I am still committed to the man that I said I do to.

[Bworl]

The problem is that you still allow this situation to consume you too much.

We all know how hard it is to stop thinking about it. It's a struggle that we all go through.

You have just not reached the point yet I suppose where you are tired of his actions affecting YOUR life and emotions.

Eventually it will happen.

Those posting here are trying to help move you along in that process, but it's a no win situation as each of us has to reach that point in our own time.

What he does affects how you feel. You see him on a regular basis, and when a couple days go by without seeing him, you eventually seek him out. You are keeping you plugged in to the drama.

I'm not sure that you believe that you can be happy on your own.

I know that you love the man. Just like all of us who came here loved our spouse. There are even moments when you acknowledge the hurt that he brings to you.

Ah...but then there are the good moments. And those good moments pull you right back in to full blown "I love you and want you in my life" mode.

I'm not saying that it's wrong. In fact it's natural.

But at some point I think you will realize that the good moments are facades right now.

What some call baby steps are often nothing more than brief touches with reality that the wandering spouse has. Then they are back off on their little adventure.

The problem is the pain they leave in their wake.

You'll get tired of crying at some point.

You'll get tired of the aching inside.

And when you do, you will decide that you are ready to begin living YOUR life, and you will leave your husband to his.

You won't stop hoping that he will return. You won't stop showing him your loving kindness.

But you will stop CHOOSING to be part of his soap opera.

Because you're tired of being hurt by it.

I think that's all people are trying to say here.

Right now, this man is all kinds of toxic to you, and you don't seem to realize it. Or if you do, you choose to roll in his toxicity out of fear of losing him for good.

When will it be time for HIM to fear losing YOU?


Blessings,

Bill

[WCW]

Well said Bworl.

I think alot of that goes back to my faith in myself, my self esteem.

toh, what can you do to build this up?

[theotherhalf]

thank you Bill,

your post are such an inspiration to me. Thank you for sticking with me and taking your time to share your valuable advice.

I'm not sure that you believe that you can be happy on your own.

It's not so much that I don't believe it. It's that I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. My mom and dad D when I was 13. My mom was very bitter, still is to this day. She has been alone all these years. That's not how I want to spend my days. And besides, when I said "I do" I really did mean forever...

But at some point I think you will realize that the good moments are facades right now.

I do realize this Bill, but it's all I have for today.

The problem is the pain they leave in their wake.

Amen

You'll get tired of crying at some point.

You'll get tired of the aching inside.

Already there...

And when you do, you will decide that you are ready to begin living YOUR life, and you will leave your husband to his.

Honestly...I don't know if I can.

Or if you do, you choose to roll in his toxicity out of fear of losing him for good.

I do...and your right.

When will it be time for HIM to fear losing YOU?

I don't know if he ever would.

[theotherhalf]

toh, what can you do to build this up?

I really don't know WCW. I think that over the years I did become more confident in myself. But I'm the type of person (raised to be) that says what she thinks. Stands up for what she believes. And the more confident I became, the more I said too much or spoke when I shouldn't have, etc... I started to become my Mother and though I love her dearly she is way to forward.

My confidence was in my work ethic, being a good person, honesty, pride, that kind of stuff. But I've never been confident in the man department. It's been many many years that I've felt pretty or sexy or that a man would want me. Weight gain took all that away.

When H left me I lost 50 lbs. I really liked the way I looked. I bought new clothes. Started wearing makeup again. Got a new doo. Really tried to feel sexy again. H didn't notice a thing. And neither did any other guy worth looking at twice. Sure a few low lifes have turned my way a time or two but woo hoo.

I've tried everything WCW. I lost weight. I joined a gym. I went out. All of it. And bottom line is still the same. H left me for a fat, ugly, pathetic wh*re. Not so good on my self esteem no matter what I do...