""My W knows I am trying to save our marriage. She told me tonight that she isn't going to try, and that she doesn't want us anymore." This may or may not be true. My wife told me to move on, that we weren't going to reconcile as well about a month ago, now she says she doesn't know, even that I need to "take it slow" regarding wanting to show her affection."
Hearing things like that really picks me back up off the ground, when my wife said it, i kept cool and stayed as optimistic as i could and i left in a good mood instead of sad. But hearing that it can change from that extreme to something less, well bad, it's really good.
"" She knows that I am going to try and carry the burden of our failing marriage for as long as i can."
It's good to let her know what you would prefer to happen, but also make an effort to show her (tell her too) that if it doesn't happen you will be alright and are going to learn from this experience and become a better potential partner for somebody, though you hope she chooses to benefit from it. Make sure to follow through with your changes."
Thats the plan, I have told her that I want to work things out, and that I will be better for it, she keeps saying "thats great, it means you will be better for your next partner" she knows I want it to be her, but I think she still thinks i won't change, or that she wont love me again if I do anyway.
""She said that we have gone back to how we were before we got together. She contacts me and i don't contact her. Up until now she has seen herself as running after me (didn't say it but it think that is what it is like). Is it ok for me to contact her just to chat, or anything, just because I want to, it kinda seems like a logical 180 in a way, but it contradicts what it seems I should be doing? confused but does that work?"
I think the DR advice is to do what works, to stop doing what doesn't. Try it and see what her reaction is. Then decide what direction to go in."
Trial and error, I'll try and hopefully i can see enough of a reaction to know if it is working or not, I will let you know what happens so I can gain some perspective from outside.
"You gotta get your head in the game, but don't forget to GAL.
And I won't kid ya, a number of nights early on I had a couple shots of vodka before bed to help me relax. I'm not an alki, but I think it helped.
"but when I'm around her, i get muddled up and I ramble, and it hurts the situation"
If you ramble, and it hurts the situation, could you try asking her a question and forcing yourself to actively listen to her reply ?
Keep asking questions (gradually) until you are listening 2x more than you are talking. Ask her about how her day went. Don't judge what you hear, don't try to fix it, just try to see things from her perspective. Be empathetic. If something dissapointing happened to her say 'I'm sorry to hear that..."
When you feel the urge to ramble, sign off. Tell her" thanks for sharing ", but you have to go do something, "
This is the area where i need to start making working on intensely. I get urges to talk about us and i know i should hold it back and I'm going to really try from now on, more than i have been. Light conversation, lots of joking, and questions about how she is (without prying. I'm going to talk about my feelings about things with her only when we talk about it together, and only with her, not people we know, (well her and on here, gotta have someone other than her ). I'm still not sure on the whole contacting her first, it's good and bad either way, and for today, i'm looking for opinions on it before I make a move, also, i'm just giving her at least a day for the things we spoke about last night.
Anyway, i've written a lot now, you really are helping me lots as I can relate to the things that are happening with you fairly well. Keep up the good work, and i hope that one day I can return the favours that i'm getting
t7-years m3-years Me:22 W:27 Wifes kids (love them like my own) D-10 D-7 Our Kids S-3
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