Organizing my Life

[BeingMe]

I will think it over, Phoenix. I think he's in denial, and not sure how to handle all of this. He's never been terribly good at caregiving when there's an illness ... with me, anyway. He will take care of peripheral things, like cooking, and cleaning, and taking care of the kids, but not the trying to make me feel better, or sitting with me, or whatever ... things I do, but I guess I can't expect him to act the same way I would. We are two very different people. Unfortunately, I need someone who can listen to me and be there emotionally, and he is not doing that. If, and it's a big if (but, it does cross my mind), this is something really serious, then I cannot waste time waiting for him to be there, to step up ... I will need him to be more than he seems capable of right now. This sounds awfully selfish, I know, but I have waited a long time for this from him, and even now, I don't get it. I wanted him to understand how sad I am in possibly not being able to see my daughter, ever again. That thought crossed my mind, when the doc said that it's not epilepsy, but we'll wait and see if the swelling is hiding something. It was really scary, talking to my H on the phone one second, and the next waking up in bed, bruised, tongue bloodied, and not remembering anything. And then, my son coming in, looking so scared, and asking me what was happening, and my not even remembering what day it was. I have been making a joke about it, saying maybe I sneezed too hard, or whatever, but deep down, I am afraid that there is more going on, and I may have to say goodbye to some of my precious children without seeing them again. Well, I'm not scared of actually dying ... I don't think so, but sad at leaving my children, and never truly having the M/R I truly wanted.

I'll be okay tomorrow ... school starts. Just feeling melancholy tonight, and lonely. The seizure was probably just that, and probably the only one I'll have. It sure did make me think, though, about time and life, and all that stuff.