Q&A with the WAS

[christarn]

HFGW~

The first two questions are really difficult for me to answer as I am at the opposite end of the spectrum, I do know it hurts when my H is "dark" and avoids me, but also know I get more response out of him the times I have went dark. I can not say whether a D will bring the two of you closer together or not...that is one heck of a loaded question!!!! Either way answered, there will be hurt and anger that will need to be dealt with, sooner rather than later, no matter the LL of the persons involved. IMHO!

"How did you feel about whether trust could be restored with H? We want to be friends but she is very distance now and frankly I think there have been other EAs. Should I tell her that she needs to work on rebuilding my trust in her?"

Trust is a two way street, it is give and take. It starts with baby steps. If my H gave me a chance today, and asked that i called him every hour with an update of where i was and what i was doing, you had better believe i would do it in a heart beat...i would do what i needed to do to make him feel safe with me again. He trusted me with his heart, with his love, and i broke that trust. And in a very cruel way...I would do whatever he felt necessary to regain that feeling of trust, until slowly he felt comfortable again. When trust is broken, it takes time, patience and compassion for it to be restored; it takes a partner who is forgiving and ready to do all of the above and give the other partner whatever he/she needs to feel safe again.


NHF~

"So she responds (or at least recently started) to some things as long as it doesn't seem R related. But what do I do here? Do I keep going with my LRT or do I text her for a game next week?"

These are just a few suggestions I would have...act as if. One thing I had to learn, and it took me a long time to learn this one, he is no longer my H, he is my friend, so i had to quit looking at him as a S...look at her as a friend, nothing more, nothing less. How would you text a friend? Also, lay off of the R talks...plain and simple....putting any pressure on her is going to backfire in your face, and move you back further each time. She is your friend, nothing more nothing less. I don't want you to think i am being cruel, I just want to help you, so you do not make the same mistakes i have made. If you haven't already talk to a DB coach...they are great. they help to make this stuff so much easier. Talking to her about the R, will just make her feel bottled up, and anxious...or when my H and I first split and he wanted to talk about our R/M all the time, I would get angry...he didn't want to talk about it when we were together, and needed to, why now? Be her friend, show her you can do that...and show her your awesome changes/180's...have you set goals? keep yourself busy, it makes time go smoother and faster, so you will not be so preoccupied with all of this. Trust me, you can do this...if you would have asked me a year ago, how long i would wait...i never would have said 2 years...but now that 2 years is coming up...hell yeah i'm going to wait two years...i'll even say 3. It's the first 3-4 months that are the hardest to get thru. YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!! one minute, one hour, one day at a time. go buy paint by numbers and do them upside down...it helps relax your brain!! watch church on the internet...joelosteen.com(he's inspirational christian) if you are a church person, go for a walk, buy dishes at a yard sale, then break them all...just alleviate frustrations....keep yourself busy!!!

take care both of you guys!!
sorry it took so long to get back with you, it's midterms this week..so i'm hit and miss around here this whole week!! gotta do good in school

hugs
christa