For the Guy with Kids and a WW 11

[hopeful4her]

If you are anything like me, I didn't like the person I became due to this situation. I was a stranger to myself as well. No wonder H ran away.

kat, apparantly, we are a lot alike. It's like the harder I tried, the worse I became to her. How sad is that to realize?

Thank you for the kind words.

dub, I know why you take special interest in me. You've said it before. You see yourself in my wife. The anger she puts forth to me when I do not deserve it, is exactly the same as you did.

What were you telling your H after the separation concerning the marriage? Surely you weren't telling him how you couldn't leave the marriage?


The confusing part to me is showing my wife my feelings, because I do not, at this point. I show and give her nothing.

He started saying things to me that showed he had been thinking of how to work on himself. I remember telling him that I will be "shutting him down" and "pushing him away" like crazy because it is my new defense mechanism from years of him pushing me away. He said he knew and it didn't matter. He continued. I started to back away from OM. H started doing small changes, all 180s.....showing feeling, saying feelings, etc.

That means ya'll had to be talking. At least, he was still trying to talk to you. I bet at some point, you were trying to be friends, too. True? While seeing the OM.

Your not wanting to leave the marriage... I just don't see it in my wife. Maybe you see something I don't.

That was part of where my questioning was going.

Again, confusion for me. I don't want to be her friend while she is 'with' him, but I still want her to know that I'm still here. At the same time, finding myself and doing things that I enjoy and that make me happy. What a crazy line to walk. It's like they are two different directions with two different goals. At least to me. In order to move past this, I let the anger develop and do what I want and be with who I want, and not a thought towards her. And I feel good about myself.

Any other way, I do with thoughts of her. Like it's mechanisms that kick in for me. 'If this is what you want, then keep doing this. If that is what you want, then keep doing that.' Maybe at some point, they come together somehow.

BTW, I had lunch with Y on Friday. She started emailing me late morning and we emailed each other a lot. Some business,but mostly stupid stuff. Ended up having a late lunch together. Today, more emails about our weekend and other business stuff. I make her laugh. She makes me laugh. She asked if I went home with one of the girls Friday. I asked her if she thought I was a player or something. I told her I was a good boy. I told her "Besides, I'm saving myself." I don't think I've seen her laugh so much. Even if it was virtual. She will probably be at my office all day tomorrow.

I think that we are just going to be really good friends.

Maybe give something to my wife just every once in a while? We've only been separated for a month. Something like the email I sent? I think it showed I still care for her and am concerned still. At the same time, I didn't give her too much, I don't think. Maybe a conversation once in a while? But always with the thought that I'm still trying or being hopeful somehow. Overtly. Throw in a "I still don't want to divorce".

Because I don't.

The flip side is me getting along with out her. Doing things on my own. I still have the anger. The anger leads me in a different direction. The pain. The hurt. I have found ways to soothe it. Make it feel better.

Even if it's only in my own mind.

I just need time.

I think you do focus on her reaction too much but you are getting better thinking about you.

I feel it.

And I AM getting better at thinking about me. But she is still right there. No matter how good I feel or what I do, she is still in the back of my thoughts.

I think she always will.

BTW, my bank branch was robbed last Tuesday, right? Saturday, another location was robbed. Today, another of our locations was robbed. Things are a little on edge at work.

I think I'm talking crazy. I feel like I'm all over the place tonight. I'm tired again. Now I can't sleep well at night again. Friday night was my fault. Sat. and Sunday was maybe 6 hours each. Last night, I just could not sleep. Maybe got about 4 hours. I'm sleepy. Kept dozing off on the way home.

Gonna try now.

'night all. Thanks for keeping up with all my bullsh*t. I know I sound nuts to ya'll. One day feeling this way. Another day feeling that way. Another day, feeling both ways at the same time. It makes ME dizzy. I can imagine how YA'LL feel about it.

Bless all of you.