We're never getting back together-How do you cope?

[native]

"My W knows I am trying to save our marriage. She told me tonight that she isn't going to try, and that she doesn't want us anymore."

This may or may not be true. My wife told me to move on, that we weren't going to reconcile as well about a month ago, now she says she doesn't know, even that I need to "take it slow" regarding wanting to show her affection.

All over this site you will get the same insight, that you can't believe everything they say. They don't even know themselves really.

" She knows that I am going to try and carry the burden of our failing marriage for as long as i can."

It's good to let her know what you would prefer to happen, but also make an effort to show her (tell her too) that if it doesn't happen you will be alright and are going to learn from this experience and become a better potential partner for somebody, though you hope she chooses to benefit from it. Make sure to follow through with your changes.

"She said that we have gone back to how we were before we got together. She contacts me and i don't contact her. Up until now she has seen herself as running after me (didn't say it but it think that is what it is like). Is it ok for me to contact her just to chat, or anything, just because I want to, it kinda seems like a logical 180 in a way, but it contradicts what it seems I should be doing? confused but does that work?"

I think the DR advice is to do what works, to stop doing what doesn't. Try it and see what her reaction is. Then decide what direction to go in.

I have tried to focus on rebuilding our friendship rather than addressing our 'relationship'. So I have just initiated time together that is short and friendly, no heavy stuff. Just sharing about what's going on in our lives, out to lunch, ice cream or a movie.

I also try to ask her advice on stuff since she believes that I don't value her opinion. I really try to stay away from stuff that might seem like an accusation or trying to convince her to work things out or anything like pressure. Just keepin' it light.

Whenever she calls unexpectedly, though I may get a pit in my stomach from all the crazy crap she has said in the last several months, I try to approach it like everything is great and I answer with an upbeat attitude. " Hey, how's it going, etc..."
She still is very sensitive and gets angry quickly, easily misunderstands things, but you just have to 'act as if' everything is great, or is going to be great. I think it catches her off guard, because she expects me to be angry, sad, unhappy or anything but ok.

I learned my lesson big time since the second time she announced she wanted a seperation ( she had kind of retracted her first announcement for a short while).

We had had an arguement two days before. It did not have to become an arguement, but because I let her know I was expecting the worst when she approached me with an issue, it actually became as bad as I feared.


"You seem to be going really well, and you seem to know what your talking about.....How do you stay focused enough to be able to do it? "

Thanks, but I've had about 5 months of trial and error to get into some new habits. I am less emotional now about the whole thing. I guess I have detached to some degree.

I have listened to Michele's tapes on DBing over a doz. times, just drilling it into my head. And I come here and read. I have benefited from Nancy Wasson's matl. and want to get the Marriage Fitness course by Mort Fertel. I also have a divorced friend I talk to on the phone during emergencies, ( he's the one who lent me the DBing matls.) and he has given me pertinent advice exactly when I needed it.

I'm now listening to Ellen Kreidman's course, the Fireworks Collection, which I've had for a long time, but never listened to. Good stuff.

You gotta get your head in the game, but don't forget to GAL.

And I won't kid ya, a number of nights early on I had a couple shots of vodka before bed to help me relax. I'm not an alki, but I think it helped.

"but when I'm around her, i get muddled up and I ramble, and it hurts the situation"

If you ramble, and it hurts the situation, could you try asking her a question and forcing yourself to actively listen to her reply ?

Keep asking questions (gradually) until you are listening 2x more than you are talking. Ask her about how her day went. Don't judge what you hear, don't try to fix it, just try to see things from her perspective. Be empathetic. If something dissapointing happened to her say 'I'm sorry to hear that..."

When you feel the urge to ramble, sign off. Tell her" thanks for sharing ", but you have to go do something,

It's getting late, gotta work tomorrow. Later.