Is he starting to come home?

[No Longer BH]

Sara, I have asked him on several occasions to just try it with me. Even said to him it was not about getting back together but helping to heal the hurt we had so that we could move on. He refuses. Does not have any desire to do anything that remotely looks the MC. In his head he feels he is done because he lost that loving feeling.

I am trying to be positive that there still is a little crack in the door. It is so wierd. He is talking to me the way we used to. It almost feels like the old times, even though I know its not. I am determined to stay strong and be the best me possible. Like I have said before, I was THE love of his life for so long, I think I can be again. I am just trying to focus on being the best and happiest me, and either he will want it or he wont. I need to back away from him though. I think that I need to keep showing him that I dont need him. He has seen it, but after him opening up to me today, I think he still needs to see it. Let it sink in that his hurtful words did not affect me, that I am still great because the world is a beautiful place.

My S is terrified of his teacher. She really is a mean witch and yells at the kids alot. I have talked to everyone under the sun concerning the difficulty that my S is going through, and it seems to be falling on deaf ears. I BEGGED the teacher to just be a bit gentler with him, maybe give him encouraging words and she does not. I am going to see the principal again tomorrow to talk to her about it again. Unfortunately, he is just going to have to go through this and eventually he will get stronger. Just hope he isnt too scarred and jaded by then. Thanks for sharing you story as well.

[No Longer BH]

SmartCookie, thank you for that reminder. We can get caught up in looking for those babysteps that we sometimes put so much weight behind them. I was starting to fall into this trap. Are we making progress.....yes. Does this mean we will R....no. It is what it is and I need to just be thankful that I made it to this point with him. A much better place to be than the angry hurtful place we were at. Acts of kindness should be appreciated even if they do not lead to a fairy tale ending. I will remember this. Thanks for pointing it out.

[Sara]

BH,

I hate to be discouraging. But I dealt with schoolphobia for 10 years until he finally dropped out. It is a real psychological problem. If you son starts having panic attacks, I recommend that you get a diagnosis immediately. Then you will have grounds to ask for an accomodation. These schools are awful with their inflexibility when dealing with children. Your son has a right to not be terrified in the classroom. All they have to do is switch his class. If the teacher requested it it would be done in a minute. But because a parent requests it, it is impossible. In 20 years of dealing with impossible schools I learned that the squeaky wheel does get the grease. If you complain enough, you will get what you want.

[No Longer BH]

Sara, thanks for telling me. Up until this year, my S has loved school. With all of the changes that are occuring and his depression, attending a new school just became too much. The thing is the teacher does not see anything wrong with my son. Did not think that he should be transfered out of her class and the principal agreed. Here I am the parent, telling them the severity of his problems and they just are not listening. I am affraid that if we wait too long, then switching will actually harm him. They have only been in class three weeks so I still think it is early enough to do it.

I hate being a complainer, but when it comes to my S, I will do anything. I am NOT going to back down from this. My goal is to get him back to his old private school next year. He loved it there and was very popular. He excelled. Hopefully this will only be a one year event.

H is here right now spending the evening with our S. I did not feel good enough to get out of the house like I have every other time so have stayed out of their way. Whenever H comes to ask me a question, I always have a smile on my face. I am joking with him when he is around but wondering if I am going to far and might be pushing him. I am not discouraged that he still says he does not love me. Rebuilding takes time and I have faith in us. Fear is keeping him from taking that leap into trying, IMO. After all, it was pretty ugly there for awhile. I can not expect anything less. Heck, on the positive side, it has only been three weeks since he has started to warm up and I have already gotten 2 hugs in less than 24 hours. Again, not reading anything into this, it is just nice to get them.

[Sara]

BH,

I think we only had to bring son to one psychiatrist appointment to get the diagnosis of schoolphobia. The doctors we went to interviewed the 2 parents on the symptoms. Bringing son in was just to confirm the diagnosis. Then the doctor wrote what accomodations the schoool should provide. I didn't need a change of classroom, but I did need special attention to my son's needs and freedom for him to carry tums and take one as necessary. He was allowed to leave the classroom at will and visit the Principal or Guidance Counselor. He also was allowed more than the usual number of absences for the year. (We had already racked them up because he came home for throwing up everyday for a couple of weeks.) Schoolphobia often exhibits after a vacation or time away from school. So we could be doing fine, and then Xmas break came along, and it was impossible to get him to go back to school in January.

[Sara]

As for your H and saying he doesn't love you. Maybe you believe in Cupid's arrows. I don't. Love is a decision. Wee can decide to be open and love someone, and we can decide to be closed and not love. You don't fall in and out of love with your child. Why? Because even if your child is severely handicapped, he is yours and you actively make the choice to love him. Love is more like a muscle. The more you exercise it, the stronger it gets.

I think he has decided that he doesn't love you. thus, he no longer feels love and the feeling does not return. He sees himself as a passive recipient of no love feelings. But he isn't. He is active, and he protecting himself by not feeling love.

[No Longer BH]

Sara, I agree that love is a choice. I also think that sometimes people become so sick with depression that they are incapable of seeing the beauty around them. He is TERRIFIED of going back to that dark place (his words) and still feels that I am was a big factor in that depression. I am staying strong for me, but hope that he can see that I am not the desperate wife that help to pull him under when he was already drowning.

As his fog lifts, I believe that he will see more clearly what it is that he truly is missing. Especially if I show him how truly peaceful and happy my life is. People are drawn to happiness, I am counting on that. I know I have been reaching out alot to him this week, probably WAY too much. So, my goal for the rest of the week is to act completely indifferent, no emails, no hanging out with him, just EZ breezy me.

[Sara]

Yes. But it is OK to worry as a parent about your son, and work together with him on that problem. I see what you are saying. It makes a lot of sense.

[Ready2Change]

*hugs*

[No Longer BH]

Thanks Sara for all of your advice and input.

Ready, I appreciate the hug.