I got lost but look what I found.

[iamlost]

See you there! Wheee

[JCJ]

How exciting you too got to meet! Did you have a good time?

How are you feeling about things now?

(((Lost)))

[iamlost]

It was fun! We had lunch yesterday and today (plus a pint or three). I posted in JWS's thread about it. I consider him a RL friend now, which is great.

I did a lot of thinking this weekend about my sitch. I hung out with my gf last night who's waiting and wanting her bf to change, and saw a lot of myself in her. H came over to pick up a few more things yesterdat, and I just avoided him.

Given our last real interaction, H is off the rails, and it still breaks me up inside, and I can't even explain his behavior to myself and have it make sense. As I told JWS, I have a hard time not believing what he says about me. I advance my confidence, he does or says X, my confidence retreats. I'm having a hard time keeping my anger over it in check--I keep thinking angry thoughts, endlessly needing to come up with an empathetic thought and failing to try to understand why H is being X way.

I guess part of why it keeps sticking with me was the only reason he was 'sorry' was because I was talking about getting a lawyer.

At this point, I am DBing only for myself. Because I need to rebuild myself after the wrecking ball of the last 5 1/2 months. I need to believe in myself again to the point where his spew slides off my back. I need to find my way back to having empathy for him again.

Ugh.

[JWS]

I was deep in thought the entire drive home about something you said then when I got home and read your post you said it again. It was how you feel about your confidence and you’re self right now. I think it is very normal for this to come and go and that’s not bad. I want you to know that it was you that made me realize that no matter what I was better for this, and this is about her not me. The same applies to you as well.

I know what his thoughts and feelings towards you mean to you. Remember that right now all of his thoughts are kind of messed up, so if you know that about other things then know that his thoughts about you are messed up too. For now put stock in what other think of you. We all have that part of us that needs to be filled up by the good things that others think of us, since our spouse can’t do that you need to rely on others. I am sure that your friends and family have a much higher opinion of you and that is what you should be listening to.

The only way I was able to not believe what she told me was to believe in myself and that did not happen until a friend pulled me aside and man to man told me what he thought of me until I was in tears, because I had no idea that people around me felt that way.

You were in your best position to detach, empathize and support him when you believed these things about yourself. I am sorry that he broke down that wall this week but I am confident you can rebuild it.

[iamlost]

Thanks for that JWS, and of course, the longer version. Labor day, like all holidays I guess, was just kind of hard. In the past, H and I would probably be BBQing with friends. I was feeling pretty low last night, but then some friends, almost like they sensed it, contacted me in various ways. I felt/feel so grateful for it I really don't know how to express it.

Really, you never know what kindness means to someone else.

I've been slacking on writing to counteract my negative thoughts, and whew--I've had some doozies lately, towards H and myself. Ouch. Gotta get back into doing that, ASAP.

H is coming over AGAIN tonight "to move some more stuff out" to his new apt. Big sigh. I'm not going to avoid him, but I am going to avoid any talk about our sep agreement, since that was going fine over e-mail. I have no idea what else he thinks he can move out without that, really. I expect that he may spew, but I'm ready to walk away, not react, and/or validate.

[maninmotion]

As I told JWS, I have a hard time not believing what he says about me. I advance my confidence, he does or says X, my confidence retreats.

Hi there IAL. JWS' reply was spot on. I had a similar experience to his in that I had some friends tell me how they see me and my jaw was on the floor. That doesn't however mean that when I'm with my W, that I act that way. It's hard to not fall into the familiar behavior patterns after so many years. Then to compound the problem, most of those patterns aren't helpful and they are used to us responding in a certain way and when we don't there is a decent likelihood of conflict and I imagine than many of us are like me and still wanting to make them happy so they will like us and come back. Ugh.

I caught up a bit on your situation and I must say that grabbing a quick trip out to the coast was awesome.

Hang in there, we're here for you just like you're here for us.

Dan

[iamlost]

That doesn't however mean that when I'm with my W, that I act that way. It's hard to not fall into the familiar behavior patterns after so many years. Then to compound the problem, most of those patterns aren't helpful and they are used to us responding in a certain way and when we don't there is a decent likelihood of conflict and I imagine than many of us are like me and still wanting to make them happy so they will like us and come back. Ugh.

Hi Dan! I agree, you're totally right about falling into old patterns. The hard part in figuring out how to deal with it is the trigger for me is new--the cruelty that wasn't there before will trigger the old patterns because I haven't figured out how to cope with my H say, withholding money from me. Or lying. Or having no concept or memory of reality. Little stuff like that.

[happycamper]

Really sorry to hear about your difficult time with H. Isn't it funny, we go skipping along, thinking we've made really good progress (which we have) and then we see them and we get really upset about something! You sound like me!

It is strange to deal with our Ps lying (especially if we're not used to it), but I always think of the lying coming out of shame/fear. In my experience, my H lies because he has something to hide and he is terrified of me finding out. Lying comes out of weakness, I reckon.

I know you are trying to maintain a good R with your H, so I'll pass on one of my favourite quotes from my favourite preacher, which I often use as my mantra - "Hurting people hurt people". It's not useful if you want to hate them! It's true though, they hurt because they are hurt. It motivates me to be gracious about my H.

There is no doubt, you are the stronger one in all this.

[pisces9]

Hi Lost- (((LOST)))

sorry its been a rough few days- but it sounds like you met with JWS and thats cool - that would be weird! i have these images of all of you and to meet in person would definitely be interesting!

as for your H-- lets focus on you and what you need to do.
i agree that him taking out his BS on you is not nice -yet you dont need to take it in either. maybe he was just having a bad day and venting...which is not fun but part of this process.

what if next time that happens you react with no anger or sadness or calling your dad?

or are you really done?

xo P

[JWS]

good luck tonight. I am sure you will do great. Just remembe his mood or treatment of you in no way effects what a wonderful person you are or your happyness. And if he is crappy that's all the more reason to be empthic towards him.