is it really true?

[stella_k]

Hi ((((all))))!

I'm back after spending a week in BC with D17. It felt great to be away from all the problems with H, renting an apt for D17 and F, helping her to get settled, etc. She was delighted to start her new life! Her new place is lovely and so is her new school. I will miss her terribly, I know, but I'm ok as long as she's happy. She still doesn't know about H and me, though. We decided to tell her when she's back home for winter break.

When I got back today, half hoping that H has changed his mind again, I found him totally calm and composed and absolutely sure that he's doing the right thing. We've had a Big R talk, very friendly and civil, discussed the D, something he always refused to talk about. He lets me have our pets. He dfoesn't want to take ANYTHING from me.
He just wants to end our M. He was very honest and open about everything. He said he tried very hard to do the right thing and get back with me, that he was feeling (and still does) very guilty, but there is no way our M could work. It is dead and was dead for years. He even said he was madly in love with me BEFORE he got to know me and then he always felt that something is missing in our R, now he knows what a R could be (he meant mostly sex-wise. still hurts). There was always tension between us (was there? I cannot tell anymore)and now in his new R he can finally be free. When I came over in May it was AWFUL. He chose me only because he wanted to do the right thing and because of feeling of responsibility but in his heart he knew he'd walk again.

I feel very strange now - very sad, a little bit frightened and very much relieved at the same time. I feel like waking up after a long surgery - nearly two years long. Yes, I've lost a limb. But it's a recovery time now and I know that I can do it. I feel neither anger nor bitterness towards H. I'm not even angry with OW anymore. I guess, I'm done. I guess I can start healing now.
The funny thing is, H is more friendly than ever, the tension is gone, finally! He hugged me several times, kissed me good night and was very sweet to me in general. Now that he doesn't have to pretend that he loves me, he can allow himself to like me as a friend.
He is not an alien anymore but he is a different man. He is someone I wouldn't have fallen in love with or married in the first place. His jorney through the dark tunnel is over and he matured into somebody else. My H as I knew him ceased to exist. I cried a little bit in front of him (very little, really!), but I don't care anymore, I'm moving on and I feel free to do whatever I want :). We laughed a lot together too. All and all, under the circumstances, it wasn't a bad evening.


We're not planning to tell our colleagues here, not until we're gone anyway.
We have a farewell dinner or party (pretending to be a happy couple again ) every eve starting tomorrow and lots of packing still, so next time I will post from my HOME, I guess! In three days!!!!

It was a very long day and I'm very tired, just wanted to give you an update ASAP.

Love, ((((((hugs))))))!