Still moving in a positive direction

[frank_D]

last thread, letting go and moving on

So, what about her making coffee? No coffee machine at her friends house?

[frank_D]

AmyC, was there a time when you felt like you were 'over' your husband? I sometimes wonder if my W feels like she is 'over' me and is just slowly moving towards separating our lives and filing.

[frank_D]

I always feel weird when I talk to W and she asks me if she can do something for the kids that I would normally do.

She called a few minutes ago and was being decent and asked me if she could come over and 'make dinner' for D13 who is sick with the flu.

My response is that I can do that, she doesn't have to come over for that reason. So she says "well, I really just want to come over and give her some 'mom love' and since I'm there I thought I'd make her some dinner.

So I said that 'mom love' is always a good idea and if that's what she wants to do it's fine with me.

It's hard to separate 'visiting' the kids with 'care taking' the kids. I am their primary caretaker now. But she wants to be able to be there when they are sick, which is fine. But I'm not sure if I'm drawing a boundary or being a jerk.

-- Edit

I transferred her to D17's phone so she could talk to her. I talked to D17 after, to ask about dinner plans and said that 'Mom said she was coming over to make dinner for D13, is she cooking for you also?'

D17 says (kind of angry) No, mom asked me to go out with her for dinner and I said I didn't want to and she got mad, then she said she'd stop by and say 'hi. I don't know what is wrong with her'.

Me either.

[fig]

Frank

it sounds to me like she wants to be needed.

she only offers to do stuff when she knows she will be loved over

i mean

i get all mushy when I am sick and my mom makes me soup
or
when I see someone is overwhelmed and I help out and then they thank me profusely

it just sounds like she wants to be gushed over
which would explain her anger when the elder daughter said she didn't want to go out to eat

if it was really just mom love she would have made supper for them both
and
if she was really about mom love
you wouldn't have asked her if she was making supper for D17. You would have known she was

does that make sense

[Imageer]

I am their primary caretaker now. But she wants to be able to be there when they are sick, which is fine.

This may be true but I would bet she doens't see it that way. She probably sees herself as a good mother. I know my W does.

[fig]

Frank...I also wanted to ask you why you are looking to Amy's story to see if your wife is in MLC or a WAS???

Does that change how you feel about her???

this is dictated by YOU Frank...not by her MLC or whatever

[AmyC]

In the worst part of my MLC, yes, I thought I was "over" him and I was planning another life, Frank.

I envisioned that I could just take our kids and go live with someone else and all would be well. I introduced my children to the SOB that later stalked me and went to jail for it. I glossed over the rough spots I anticipated the kids would have but I truly believed that if I was happy my kids would be happier for it. THANK GOD I never actually got to the point that I made that stupid move, but that was what I was thought at one point. I was still blissfully unaware that the majority of my problems were caused by my own low self-esteem and a host of other issues that all came down to - SURPRISE! - ME. Yes, my husband brought his own dysfunctions into the marriage but I used his weaknesses to catapult myself into an ivory tower that I then sat upon in self-righteousness, judgement and self-delusion for quite a long time.

I don't like remembering that time or the things that I did during that almost 3 year period of my life but I am ALL about keepin' it real now so I will work on laying down the history again.

That said Frank, you really need to spend more time dealing with and caring for Frank and less time analyzing your wife.

That's the only thing that got my husband through it.

He finally, truly let me go.

[AmyC]

Frank...I also wanted to ask you why you are looking to Amy's story to see if your wife is in MLC or a WAS???

Does that change how you feel about her???

this is dictated by YOU Frank...not by her MLC or whatever

I agree with Fig and am also concerned about why you are going back to my story.

The things you have to do FOR YOURSELF don't change and THERE IS NOTHING you can do to speed up the process of MLC if that's what's she's going through. Also, if that's not what it is, you won't ever be able to make that determination.

I firmly believe too much knowledge can be deadly and you are on the edge of snare.

Be alert.

[poet]

Gee Frank, Your thread and the comments you and other people make to it, are so interesting. I am finding some of myself in you. I am also finding a lot of negative emotions in myself as Amy pointed out in her "darkest moments."

If you don't mind, Frank, I would like to ask Amy if she would very much mind if I hijack her to a thread of mine for just a bit. I promise I won't keep her long. Here is what I propose. I have recently logged into DivorceBusting.com with an additional screen name. I have the same fear that my H has found this site, Amy. And I hesitate putting some of the hurting and hurtful stuff into my thread. I would like to post a long one for Amy to read, if that's OK with you Amy (and anyone else who wishes to try to help me).

I'll check back to see if this is OK and to give my new/other screen name.

thanks,
poet

[Imageer]

I envisioned that I could just take our kids and go live with someone else and all would be well. I introduced my children to the ..... I glossed over the rough spots I anticipated the kids would have but I truly believed that if I was happy my kids would be happier for it.

This descibes my W perfectly. She has even admitted to much of this. Amazing.