(Did I mention that I finally got those bushes along the edge of my property cut back? Half the original estimate, and worth every penny--it was starting to look like the Adams family house around here!)
I had a good day at work, but I was tired. It took a long time to fall asleep last night.
I thought a little about x and last night, but there wasn't too much time to dwell. I still want to get my thoughts together and talk with the IC tomorrow.
And of course, I see him coming around the corner at my house today, riding his motorcycle. He was behind me, so I pulled over to ask if he was looking for me. He said no, he was going to visit a neighbor (my bff's H down the street). It is still hard to see him in person. And after yesterday, I wished that we could both stop and I could just hold him.
It is sick. What is wrong with me? Why do I still miss him, when I know that it doesn't make any sense? Its by no means a constant thing anymore, that frantic feeling, the despair, but I do miss him. The denial can still interfere with the truth of what is; there are times like that (when I see him, talk to him), that I just want him to come hold me, tell me it was all a terrible mistake, that he is sorry and wants to try to come back.
He told me yesterday that I don't know what love is. That all of this has been sick obsession. Maybe he is right........
All of his perceptions, all of his pain....none of it was necessary, if he had only talked to me. He still thinks that I didn't love him, respect him, make him my priority. When I point out what I have done since the bomb, his answer is simply that, if I did, I had a funny way of showing it.
And now that he is starting to have people tell him that he made a mistake, that they aren't seeing his side and understanding him, he blames me for that, too. I know that he is very angry that his family won't accept his gf. I think he wants me to admit that she had nothing to do with our D, so he can tell them all that I agree that it wasn't her fault and she shouldn't be blamed.
None of it matters, anyway. It doesn't matter what he thinks about me, does it?
God, I wish I could get angry, and just say Good Riddance and be done with it.
I'm divorced....maybe I should write that 100 times to get it into my head.
Question: Many of you know the nightmare of my broken in-ground pool. He had agreed in the divorce to remove all of the junk he dumped in there by Nov 1. Part of the convo yesterday was about that, when it might happen. I asked him how his back was (he had back surgery and it causes him a lot of pain). He said, what do you care (laughing)-you ask this NOW? I said I still care about him and don't want him to get hurt. I had gotten a quote to have the stuff removed by the hauler for $1000 if he wanted to go that way. He sneered and said I would have to get the money from his blood--he was broke. He would take care of it. Now: Do I just pay to have it done and let him off the hook? Should I offer to deduct the $1000 from his 1/2 share of the sale of the hottub (he is responsible for selling it, and I haven't heard anything)? Should I just let him figure it out, being stubborn and probably hurt himself, and he can blame me again for seeing him as only a laborer and paycheck?
********* Meanwhile, I have a date with CR tomorrow night, if I can figure out how to fit it in around the kids being out to dinner and my IC appt. I might just cancel and see if we can get together over the weekend.
On Fri, my college roomie is coming back up to stay over on her way to a baptism.
