You asked: How close did you and H stay? I mean what kind of relationship did you maintain with him and what kind of relationship did he try to keep with you. ------
When H and I separated and he moved to the basement, things had gotten really bad. I stopped talking to him, only in anger. He was sad/mopey and "the victim" and I hated it!!!!! It mad me even madder. Everything he did pissed me off. It didn't matter if it was nice or not, it made me angry. Once I saw the first OM consistently, OM put some pressure on me and I decided that the best thing would be for H to move out. In the back of my mind I thought that if he truly loved me he would do SOMETHING....the OM was doing everything, while he did nothing (he didn't know there was another man). He moved out (which, he shouldn't have done because it just made it easier for me to see the OM). DUring this separation time, he lived about 30 min away. Everything he did he did solely for our son. He came to our house after work, spent time with son, then when we put son to bed, he went "to work" (which is what we told son, but he really went to his place). Also, during this time, off and on he would reach out to me, but never really follow through if I cut him off. The first OM pressured to take the next step, but I knew I didn't want to leave my marriage so I wouldn't follow through and OM couldn't take it and left. Then, second OM came into picture. Much of the same things happened, but this time my H went to see a counselor to work on his issues (lack of showing emotion/feeling, etc.). This made me take notice. He started saying things to me that showed he had been thinking of how to work on himself. I remember telling him that I will be "shutting him down" and "pushing him away" like crazy because it is my new defense mechanism from years of him pushing me away. He said he knew and it didn't matter. He continued. I started to back away from OM. H started doing small changes, all 180s.....showing feeling, saying feelings, etc. I knew I had to end it with OM because I thought there was a chance we could work it out now. I also told myself if H would ask about there being OM, I would tell him. Soon after, he asked on the phone, and I told him. I told him to come home and we were up all night crying and talking. He was mad, I was ashamed and sorry. I would get mad, and he would be so sorry, too. He didn't stop his changes. I told him how hard it is for me and what I needed. I remember telling him to send me texts and emails often because it is going to be really hard. I explained it was like an addiction. He didn't disappoint me. He was "on it". He still is. This man loves me more than I ever imagined.
You asked what kind of relationship did I WANT to maintain with him------
WHen he first moved to the basement I wanted him to fight for me. Do something. Show something. Anything. He did nothing. I would tell him what I needed and wanted and he did nothing. When I started seeing OM I wanted him to act like nothing was wrong. I wanted him to be happy for me doing whatever I wanted to do (go out, leave when he got home, not come home on the weekends, etc.)and I didn't want him to get mad at me or cause any waves. The pathetic look made me steamed. If he tried to get mad I came right back at him with fury. I was getting deep into the fog. I didn't want to face what I waas doing. When he moved out, I wanted to live my life and he live his without him bugging me but also to not leave the marriage. Pretty much cake eating, but also waiting for him to do SOMETHING maybe. If he would have come to me with Retrovaille info and took initiative at this point I would have agreed to it. In my mind I felt like he could offer me nothing but more pain. When he did ignore me, though, I didn't like that. It made me more interested in what he was doing. If he didn't tell me where he was going that made me take notice, too.
OK I could probably go on some more...but does that pretty much answer your questions?
