So I married a sex addict...

[grant]

HC,
I think you show enormous insight and compassion in your question. I had wanted to say, as an aside, that although he needed to face the consequences of his actions, and to begin to accept that he was powerless over his addiction, there's no getting away from the fact that it's not entirely his fault, and he's suffering from an illness.

In answer to your question.........

As I see it, you can still support him, and the acknowledge the fact that he has revealed himself to you, whilst at the same time detatching LOVINGLY. I think that's the key there. Being truthful with you does NOT give him the right to use and disrespect you on a practical level. The house payment is a perfect example of that.

Not allowing him to use you to facilitate his lifestyle choices and his new R does not in any way negate your expression of compassion and sympathy for his issues.

I don't think you are saying to him that you're "rejecting him".
You are simply stating entirely reasonable boundaries about what you can and can't do for him. Remember, if an addict is to get well, he must want to do it for himself. No pleading or begging will ever get them there if they are half hearted about it.

And I do think that sometimes it is about "tough love".

If you had agreed to his asking for your help, do you you think that would have been "enabling" behaviour on your part?

What made you say no?

I think that deep down, you realise that you have to start doing things for yourself and for your own dignity. And also, that in so doing, you are detatching, and moving him one step closer to being able to do that personal inventory.

I'm not saying that it will all change overnight. In my case, when I realised the full extent of my wife's feelings and how she was truly done, it absolutely changed my world and my previous perceptions entirely. It forced me to begin to look at myself in a way that I had never done.

While my wife said that she was glad that I was trying to get help, she did not feel that she could support me, as she thought it might give me false hope.

I do however, see your dilemma. But I think you will start to know the ways in which you can continue to support him in his SA, and where the boundaries are.
Sometimes that's in the day to day stuff. Like NOT helping him pay for his house.

Also, I think sometimes as addicts, and as people, we just need to grow the F... up,
Smell the coffee etc etc.

Otherwise we just drift ever onward in the bubble, the fog, addicted to the tease, the high, thinking the next one will save us, and using other people as objects of our gratification.

I think the book will help you a lot. It was one which I read at the outset of my present journey, and it really gave me a lot of info on my status.

I know you mentioned that your H is also a counseller. Has he read this book?
I would certainly read it, digest it, and then pass it along to him if he's at all open to it. If he has been more open to you, and revealed that secretive shameful behaviour that he's been covering up and maintaining for so long, then perhaps it is a sign that he is becoming more self-aware.

I know when I read the first few pages, I realised that I had developed a problem.
Knowledge is power.

Take care now, and I hope things will start to improve soon for you.

I really think that your saying NO to him, was a real step for you.