Please help me to not give up............

[grant]

Thanks Sandi. Some really great stuff there.

I didn't actually wait up for her. Went to be, but of course couldn't sleep. But she didn't know I was awake, and as far as she was concerned, I'd gone to bed.

I don't think I'm overdoing the upbeat, happy thing too much. I wanted so much to get through the weekend on a positive note, and it was really important to me to display independence and strength. I could see how over time, it might lead her to think about the false hope thing, but she has said soo many times over the past 5 months that she is so clear about NOT wanting to give me false hope at all. She may start to believe that I'm accepting the situation, that I'm happy with just a friendship...... I don't know. I can't look that far ahead at the moment. I'm just concentrating on making all our interactions as positive as I can.

You're absolutely right about my W's self esteem taking a huge blow after exposure of my on-line affair, AND in discovering that I was still using porn. In truth, I think she is still not over it, although in ending our marriage, she's certainly saying that she is done with that part of her life.

She did say many months ago when she knew that I was getting therapy for my issues, that she didn't want to give me false hope about getting back together.
Though it's so difficult what to believe when it was all so very raw back then, and especially when we're taught to believe nothing that they say, and half of what they do. It's all very confusing when you try to analyse too much.

We both made a huge mistake in not confronting all the difficult issues that were behind my affair. But God, it felt wonderful in that time when we seemed to have such love and passion for one another. I realise now, that we swept those issues under the carpet, though it seemed that we were both so happy to move on from it.

I appreciate now very much, that I should have reassured her more, promised monogamy, and really helped to build her self esteem and trust. I didn't work hard enough at that. It's not that I didn't want to, I just didn't realise how vital that work was. Hindsight is a great thing.

She has said that she didn't want to be with anyone at the moment, and justifies her EA by saying that it's NOT an affair, that they just talk. But I would have to be a complete ass not to know that she has strong feelings for him.

I am hoping that it will fade, and the addiction to her R with him will become less. That's why I'm so desperate not to do anything negative that will push her further toward him, and I so appreciate you're saying that it might fade. They have a history though, and that's also not helping.

Just to let you know, it's not that she stays out late very often. Although she has certainly been out and about more than at any time in our M.
I did laugh though when you mentioned about it catching up with her, because that's exactly what she said to me the next morning. lol.
She is certainly doing a lot of "replaying". All the music from High school with this guy, memories etc. But it was her that told me that he talked to lots of other women. I do feel though, that was to try to underplay the depth of their R, and thinking about it now, that was before I discovered all the calls and text messages.

I am definitely of the mind, that there is little to be gained in exposing the affair to OM's W. I don't want to inadvertently sabotage their marriage too. I don't want to give her any further reasons to escalate her R with this man and to push her into his arms.

I have learned that I can have some affect on her. Whether I can regain her respect, trust and love again, I just don't know yet. But I will work the programme, and listen to all that I can. That's why I'm so grateful for your perspective. I think I'm blessed and very lucky that you're here. Thankyou.

Grant