Many nights I would stay up late posting to online forums devoted to stopping divorces or overcoming infidelity. I would keep reaching out to strangers, telling them all about my circumstance, hoping they would say that my situation was not a lost cause.
I am honored that I am anonymously mentioned in your story. I am glad that I can be useful to you and others while I ignore my insomnia.
Thank you for being here for me. Tonight has been tough.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
It must have been very emotional to show him that letter. I don't even know how you could have hidden cancer treatments from him. He must be blind. And if someone is so blind to you, then it is that much harder to reveal so much of yourself and so fully. The letter is beautifully and movingly written. (I used to teach creative writing) You did an excellent job of telling your story without being condemning of him. If he feels guilty it is not because you made him feel guilty. It is because he feels guilty from the inside.
I am still digesting your letter.. keep having to stop reading due to tears. I am in awe of you right now.
Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and will catch up soon.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Sara and Nik, thank you both for your kind words. H has know since July 24th. I told him after out first mediation meeting, in the L lobby. That was hard. He has not seen the effects because the medication I am on does not cause you to lose your hair and I have been living away since starting the treatment, until now. I am really good at hiding it. Trying to protect my S at this moment as well, he already has enough to deal with. He just knows I am sick.
Enough about this woe is me stuff. I am good. Really. Just wanted to know if you thought the letter was too much of a set back from my DBing. It talks alot about how I saw his actions. Did I put too much pressure onhim to make him run or do you think it was a good thing he read it? When I wrote it, never ever entended for ANYONE to read it, it was a way to let things out. Weak moment in letting him read it.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
No, I don't think the letter puts pressure on him. It was very centered from your point of view, and only talked about his actions as observations, not reading anything into them, or assigning meaning to them. The letter was positive and described your journey from a bottomless pit of despair up to a happy meaningful view of the world. It is not woe is me. It is inspiring for others who may have to at some time walk the same path. Your strength and love of life come through. He is not the focus of the letter at all.
Ok, so I just wanted to update some things that happened today. S woke up and started to have panic attacks this morning. Curled into a ball on the floor refusing to get dressed or go to school. I called my H and he said he would come right over. H got here at 9 am and talked to S and finally got him out the door. It took an hour to walk the 5 minutes down the street and up the steps to his class room. They kept trying to get him to calm down enough to get into school. After he finally was in class, H came to talk to me about it.
After we were done talking about S, H started to talk R with me. I asked him if he could please just be honest with me from here on out, and he said of course. I asked him about the event that he said he went alone to and asked if he was honest.He said he did not tell me he went with her because he did not want to hurt me. I said it is more hurtful to find out he is lying to me than to deal with the truth. He then answered some questions about their R to me (I know, not very DBing, but I wanted to know for my own peace of mind). He told me about the wine he bought her (already knew) and that he is not in love with her or in a relationship with her right now. He has some feelings for her but is not pursuing them because he sees he still has a long journey ahead of himself. He still maintanes they are just friends that get together every so often.
We then talked about what happened to us. He said that he cares very deeply for me and feels so guilty that he does not love me. That is why he spiraled into such a deep dreprssion and was cutting himself, because of his guilt. I was supportive and very understanding throughout. He was crying at times and said that he never wanted to face a life without me, he always wanted me in it. He says he has a tough time picturing me moving on but whoever I pick is going to have to be ok with him there as well because we still have a connection.
He said that he is still struggeling to find strength and adimires how far I have come and wishes he had the peace that I have shown. He sais that he still looks to me to help find strength within himself. He started to cry and said he wished it did not take cancer to have gotten me to that point, but is glad that I have joy again, he can see it in me. Told me that he felt guilty even hugging me last night because he did not want to send me any false hope. I said that I know how he feels and that it will always be understood that this is were we are at. I did alot of affirmation with him, let him talk most of the time. He said he has shared more with me about how he is feeling than with anyone else. I told him I felt honored that he could trust me so much. Finally, I said that I thought he should get to work and he agreed but lingered for a few more minutes talking and then left.
So, part of me is very crushed to hear the words he has said but then the other part is not so crushed. He still feels that he does not love me, but as Michelle says, if they fell in love once than can fall in love again. I still feel that it was his depression and my desperation that caused him to lose the feelings. The desperation is out of the picture and it seems that his depression is lifting, but not gone yet. He did say that he felt like he just needed to go home and cry for the rest of the day. The fact that he sees me as a friend and does not ever want to loose me because we have a special connection also tells me there are still feelings there. I am just going to keep doing what i am doing (with exception to talking about OW because I do not believe she is an issue) and hope that as our frinedship goes, so will his feelings. I told him that when I invite him to do things, it is not in hopes of winning him back, but just as a friendly gesture to go out and have fun. No strings. He said he appreciated hearing that and it made it easier for him to say yes to things. When he left, he gave me another big hug and asked me to email him as soon as S got home from school so he would know how his day went.
I dont want to give up on us. I still think there is a chance, and that he is still looking at things from his hurtful place. Once that pain is gone and replaced with happy memories, I am hoping the love will come back. Thoughts?
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
((((((((((BH)))))))))))) I just read your last two pages. You are amazingly strong. I am touched by your sharing, & honesty.
I don't think men do things out of "guilt", so I'd look at the same gestures as kindness. Also, the love can come back.
I think you're on the right track of be the best you can be. Fill your own love bucket. Ignore the OW. Try to be the person H fell in love with. I'd also keep up with the mystery. Whether he shows it or not, it should be making him think.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I just went back to page 1, & read all the great advice your DB coach gave you !!! Talk about empowering. Wow !
You asked a question about if his "being nice" is wanting to get back together, or just being friendly because he can. Take things at face value.
Until he says "I want to give our M another try" anything short of that is him being nice.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I see this as a little crack in the door. I know it is pushing, but if you could get him to go with you to Retrouvaille. It is not all about getting back together. It is about communication, and knowing yourself, and understanding the other person. It looks to me like you two could really benefit from work in that area, no matter what the future holds.
As for son, oh boy. I went through schoolphobia with my oldest. He would walk into the school and start throwing up. One day he threw up 7 times. It is a very difficult situation that you can improve, but don't expect it to go away. You need to enlist the help of the teacher, the principal, everyone at the school who will help you. First you need to know what his fear is -- is it the other kids, do they tease him? Is it the teacher? What? Then he needs to have a friend at school. For my son, the Principal became his friend. She told him anytime he could come to her office, even if she wasn't there. She made a pal of him and made him feel wanted at the school. The teacher had to control the kids in the class because they had been picking on my son. It was a difficult year, we saw phychiatrists and gastroenterologists, and in the end we got him to stay. (But only til 10th grade; he did finally drop out.)
Your family needs to pull together. My prescription is take one Retrouvaille weekend and all follow-up classes and work together as a team to help your son with a stable homelife.
