Is he starting to come home?

[No Longer BH]

Ok, so I just wanted to update some things that happened today. S woke up and started to have panic attacks this morning. Curled into a ball on the floor refusing to get dressed or go to school. I called my H and he said he would come right over. H got here at 9 am and talked to S and finally got him out the door. It took an hour to walk the 5 minutes down the street and up the steps to his class room. They kept trying to get him to calm down enough to get into school. After he finally was in class, H came to talk to me about it.

After we were done talking about S, H started to talk R with me. I asked him if he could please just be honest with me from here on out, and he said of course. I asked him about the event that he said he went alone to and asked if he was honest.He said he did not tell me he went with her because he did not want to hurt me. I said it is more hurtful to find out he is lying to me than to deal with the truth. He then answered some questions about their R to me (I know, not very DBing, but I wanted to know for my own peace of mind). He told me about the wine he bought her (already knew) and that he is not in love with her or in a relationship with her right now. He has some feelings for her but is not pursuing them because he sees he still has a long journey ahead of himself. He still maintanes they are just friends that get together every so often.

We then talked about what happened to us. He said that he cares very deeply for me and feels so guilty that he does not love me. That is why he spiraled into such a deep dreprssion and was cutting himself, because of his guilt. I was supportive and very understanding throughout. He was crying at times and said that he never wanted to face a life without me, he always wanted me in it. He says he has a tough time picturing me moving on but whoever I pick is going to have to be ok with him there as well because we still have a connection.

He said that he is still struggeling to find strength and adimires how far I have come and wishes he had the peace that I have shown. He sais that he still looks to me to help find strength within himself. He started to cry and said he wished it did not take cancer to have gotten me to that point, but is glad that I have joy again, he can see it in me. Told me that he felt guilty even hugging me last night because he did not want to send me any false hope. I said that I know how he feels and that it will always be understood that this is were we are at. I did alot of affirmation with him, let him talk most of the time. He said he has shared more with me about how he is feeling than with anyone else. I told him I felt honored that he could trust me so much. Finally, I said that I thought he should get to work and he agreed but lingered for a few more minutes talking and then left.

So, part of me is very crushed to hear the words he has said but then the other part is not so crushed. He still feels that he does not love me, but as Michelle says, if they fell in love once than can fall in love again. I still feel that it was his depression and my desperation that caused him to lose the feelings. The desperation is out of the picture and it seems that his depression is lifting, but not gone yet. He did say that he felt like he just needed to go home and cry for the rest of the day. The fact that he sees me as a friend and does not ever want to loose me because we have a special connection also tells me there are still feelings there. I am just going to keep doing what i am doing (with exception to talking about OW because I do not believe she is an issue) and hope that as our frinedship goes, so will his feelings. I told him that when I invite him to do things, it is not in hopes of winning him back, but just as a friendly gesture to go out and have fun. No strings. He said he appreciated hearing that and it made it easier for him to say yes to things. When he left, he gave me another big hug and asked me to email him as soon as S got home from school so he would know how his day went.

I dont want to give up on us. I still think there is a chance, and that he is still looking at things from his hurtful place. Once that pain is gone and replaced with happy memories, I am hoping the love will come back. Thoughts?