Groundhog Day WAW#15

[missmyfriend]

Phil, you are going through almost the exact same things that I went through as well! It has driven me crazy that she has missed out (is missing out) on so much of her childrens' lives and she will never get it back! I have been tormented about it.

My SIL and I were extremely close. I have been her big brother/dad since she was 12 years old. I taught her how to drive a car with a manual transmission. I took her back and forth to college. I love her as much as any blood relative. But when push came to shove, she couldnt handle it. I dont know how much was my "neediness" or how much she was torn about what is happening so she chose her sister.

At first, I was really, really hurt. Her brother, who I have always treated well, made comments about me that were harsh and untrue. Believe it or not, her mom, who has never been very favorable of me, has appeared to be the most supportive of me and the children. But she wasnt supportive for awhile.

I had heard from so many people on this board and off the board that "blood is thicker than water". While I believed that, I still didnt believe my SIL would react that way. But she did. I still love her.

I have to say it is HARD to not react to situations. It is DIFFICULT to just let things go when you feel like there is something that should be done. I cannot stand injustice or lack of fairness. It hurts to see people I have know for over 22 years treat me and my children with less importance.

But, what I learned is that this is only for now. It is their loss. It is my wife's loss. Yes. The children are missing out and I miss her involvement but I decided that if I have to be mom and dad to them until my wife wakes up, then so be it.

I made so many mistakes early on. No. I never said anything negative about their mother although I would show my depression to them. It was overwhelming but I learned to control it, for their sake.

And I still let them know that I love their mother. And I talk positive about her. And I avoid the negative, if possible. If she does something that bothers them, I talk to them in the most carefully worded way so I dont let me own frustrations show.

Phil, this whole situation you are going through sucks. I know I am surprising people on this board with my choice of words but there is no better word to describe it.

I wish you werent going through this. And I am not telling you what you should do. I do know that you love your children and you want the best for them. That makes it extra difficult because you want to protect them from people in their lives hurting them. The challenge I faced is that I had to make sure I wasn't inadvertently one of those people. I was so close to the situation and thought that I couldnt possibly hurt them. I was wrong.

While I still make mistakes, I have learned how to make them feel loved by both parents, even when she acts like she is too busy. I relate stories of how awesome she has been in their lives. My kids are older (16, 13 & 11) but this started two years ago (longer if you consider that she was working on her masters for two years prior) so I have had to be her cheerleader regardless of my feelings.

The challenge that a person has is that even when they are po'd at someone they love, they will be defensive of them if someone else attacks them. Our children, even though they are being hurt, love the parent that is hurting them. If I attack the character of my wife or dont stand up for her (even from the child that is being hurt), my child is confused and the pain is worse watching their father belittle their mother.

Phil, I wish I could take this from you. I really do. I want God to fix this for you.

I will say, as much as I hate what has happened and I want my wife back, I would not throw away what I have gained from this. I have a much better relationship with my children. They know that I will always be there for them and they can count on me. They know that I love their mom and show her respect, even when she has not deserved it. And I have a relationship with my Lord and Savior that I would not trade for anything, including the return of my wife. (I dont believe this is mutually exclusive though).

Hang in there Phil. And as hard as it is, you can do this.