New month, new strategy

[istherehope]

OK,

Trying to keep smiling :). I think I'll go hide in a conference room and journal for a little while.

Soon enough my employer is going to be fed up, but I'm still hopeful that I will start becoming more productive, slowly but surely...

OK I am going to be positive today. I can make it the rest of the day, only 2 1/2 hours more not to send an IM. This is doable.

ITH

[istherehope]

OK,

Still trying to smile while all the while feeling a little sick of this process. H IMd again, but only in relation to this big charge. I was light and friendly the whole time, and he said if I could call the bank it would be good as he was at a conference and had no base. I wasn't even planning on continuing the chat, and only asked how it was and if he was presenting. He said "good, busy, I'll chat later, in the middle of something." So aggravating as it's like he has to be in control of every little thing. I wasn't even chatting with him beyond very general pleasantries in response to him. I called the bank and they said they would call him back, so I emailed him to let him know this, and then just a response about how he only has his work phone so they will need to call that and otherwise he doesn't know what to do since it's not his work (that's about 5 times he's told me that). I am really trying to just be nice and easy and make his life as easy as possible, and make sure that each interaction is light and friendly and stress-free. I sent this:

"OK, I'll call the bank again tomorrow then since they are closed now.Good thing is as my bonus was paid this quarter, it doesn't really have too much of an immediate impact. We'll get to the bottom of it though..."

Anyway, still no response to my email about postponing the sessions. This was sent on Sunday. I can't bring it up again, but at some point I am going to have to as I need to know whether to postpone a scheduled session or not.

OK trying to feel positive, trying really hard. I just need to focus on getting through today now. I have not initiated contact, and this is a good thing. I have been friendly, and this is a good thing.

ITH

[daisy282]

Hey ITH

I think you are doing the best you can in this sticky situation. Keeping it light and not getting stressed is great. Is that a 180 for you? I know if you're anything like me that finances can get the stress up faster than most anything! I think you are handling it well.

One question about this trip to Stockholm. Why can't you just stay in a cheaper hotel room? Especially since the place tickets are non-refundable. You are already spending money you might as well get a little enjoyment out of it. Besides time away might help you clear your mind so you can start to be more productive at work.

Just wondering.

[istherehope]

Hi Daisy,

There is more to it than just the hotel in Stockholm unfortunately. I have the ticket to Dublin for Thursday night, which would mean a night in a hotel in Dublin that night, then the 2 nights in Stockholm, then 3 nights in Dublin since my return ticket is on Wednesday. In my dreamworld H would ask me to stay those days, but that isn't terribly likely...

So unfortunately unless my H has a change of heart, or unless I want to take a big chance on just showing up at the house and saying "I'm staying here", it doesn't seem feasible.

I am thinking of alternatives though. Basically I want to see how Dublin goes, whether we see each other, and if so if it seems like we will be seeing each other again throughout this time. If nothing definite is planned, I think I am going to try and go somewhere for work, like the US, and tack on some vacation. I have 5 days, so could stay with a non-judgmental friend maybe and relax that way. At the same time though, no matter what happens at the end of this, I think it is going to be challenging when I get back to Dublin, so I might need to save those 5 days...

In terms of finances, I think the 180 for me there is that i haven't said anything about it being his employer's fault. Money is actually one thing we never fought about, with the exception of his employer...

OK I have a personal trainer session now. This is something good I'm doing, so I need to be positive!

ITH

[daisy282]

ITH

Have a good session!

[istherehope]

Good morning (for those in Europe),

I am now making an attempt to start each day with a more positive attitude. I may feel sick on the inside, but thinking negatively probably does me more harm than good.

This morning I made a list of improvements in my situation. To be honest I'd been feeling like things had been on a downward spiral since I'd left in terms of future talk, the amount of contact, and obviously no ML :).

However, it dawned on me that as H has been in a pretty bad depression, I should see improvements in his own mindset as baby steps forward. Yes, he has been saying harsher things than he did when I was in Dublin, but at the same time, he has actually been talking to me. So, here are my positives:

1)H has life in his voice again, and got this after less than 2 weeks of me being away. I am not exaggerating when I say that before it sounded like he was a robot.

2)While the email that H sent me was very hurtful, it showed that he was acknowledging that some things were actually his "fault", that not everything was down to me.

3)While the things that H said were also hurtful, he felt that he could say them to me. He was open and honest.

4)H took the time to write a meaningful email to me, something he hadn't done in a very long time.

5)H said that he thinks he is coming out of being very unhappy. He sees rays of hope that he can get himself there.

6)On the coaching call H said that he was willing to come up with a schedule for contact, and he has since suggested a time for a call.

7)Even after the hurtful call and email, he reached out to me on a Sunday to ask what I was doing, what I had done over the weekend, and told me about his own weekend.

8)On the call H said that the more time he had to himself, the less he needed. He also said that he might get sick of his own company.

We have a long way to go as now H is seeing the R as his primary source of unhappiness, but if he is willing to open his heart a little bit, then there is hope.

I'll post again if H reaches out today. I suspect he might call tonight, but I am trying not to get my hopes up too much.

ITH

[JCJ]

Hey ITH

Great list of positives. Now you can work out what works and what you should do more of! Hope you are having a good day.

Julia

[istherehope]

OK,

Small contact update. H is at his conference in SA. He IMd me (I didn't think he was going to today)a pretty friendly message.

He asked how I was, then he told me he was tired, hadn't regulated his sleep yet. Then he asked what was I doing. So, I was joking around and typed in some lyrics from one of the Flight of the Conchords songs if anyone knows what I'm referring to..."Hanging out in the nude, being lewd." He told me the show was ending after this season, and then told me that some other shows we like are starting soon. I didn't respond to that as I don't have access to those shows here in Poland, and I didn't want to chance future talk. So I just asked if he was in the conference, and he said "yes, right now, so can't talk long." Then he added "so my call tonight." I'm guessing that means he'll be calling me tonight since he has no time to talk at the conference? I didn't directly respond to that though. He has a call with a DB coach tonight (not to try and save the marriage, just to talk to someone), so I just said oh yeah I think your call with C is at 7. Then he asked for the phone number again. In this way I didn't jump on his potential call, if anything I sort of acted like I didn't know what he was talking about. Not sure if that's a good thing or not. It seems like he is making an effort. Asking me "what are you doing" is sort of one of those cute things he used to do in this sweet tone of voice pre-bomb. Now via IM I'll never know how he's really feeling, but it still felt really nice.

I'll update later after the call (if there is one).

Oh, also tomorrow is H's birthday. Is it OK to send this email?

Subject: Happy birthday!

Hi,

I hope you have a great night, and drink some good South African wine for me :).

ITH

Please tell me there's no pressure in that?

Thanks!

ITH

[JCJ]

Looks fine to me! That's great news on your IMs. Your messages are so much more casual - brilliant. He is responding better to you too. I love Flight of the Conchords!

[istherehope]

Thanks JCJ :).

Right now I feel pretty positive, but I do need to remember that he is still full of drama, and even if everything is great tonight/today, this does not mean the next call won't be another rehash of his unhappiness and wanting to be separated or worse.

OK all I can do is be as positive as possible now :).

I'll post later I'm sure!

ITH