This isn't necessarily a post of triumph and I reserve the right to flip flop back and forth like a politician. However, the last four days along with lots of good counsel from the wise folks here have given me plenty of food for thought and I do believe that I've come to some conclusions that seem solid about why I'm doing what I'm doing and where I'm coming from mentally and emotionally and so on.
Just a short review. My wife has always been a person that is uncomfortable being beholden to anyone. If you did a favor for her, she would want to pay you for your efforts. This is a woman who told me 6 months ago that when she goes out, she doesn't let men buy her drinks. Yet, this is a woman who by her own hand in text message has accepted lunches and dinners from her two male friends and spent the weekend in the mountains at a condo one of her male friends rented. There is more, but, you get the idea.
Yet, by her mouth, she denies screwing around with anyone and has said that she wouldn't screw around until we were divorced.
One of these stories can't be true.
What about Dan?
I've said it before and I know that it is true. If she is faithful, then I will gladly continue to work hard at DBing. What I've come to understand is why I need to know if she is being faithful or unfaithful.
My wife is basically the only woman I've ever been with. Before I met my wife, I took two different girls out once each. A couple of months ago, I kissed a couple of random bar chicks, but, basically I've never been with another woman. Years ago, I made peace with that fact. My wife had a couple of relationships before we met and that didn't really bother me, I just made peace with the whole deal.
Now, I've identified three reasons that are leading me in the direction I'm going. First, I'm becoming a new man. In fact, the new me is in ascendancy and the old me is dying off. The old me would have done anything to keep this woman. The new me has a respect for self that precludes certain things. I feel like I would be untrue to my new self if I were to continue working on things while she is screwing around. However, truthfully, this is only a small part of things. Second, I believe that it is possible for my W and I to build a shiny new relationship together that is orders of magnitude better than the one we had, but, I believe that she is going to have to see that I am independent and that I don't need her and I don't believe that is going to be possible while we are still married to one another, specifically I don't think that she will believe that I can live without her until I have other women in my life. Again, in truth, this is undoubtedly a small part of why I'm heading in this direction. Lastly, this is sadly I think the major reason that I feel that I need to know whether she is faithful or not. While I made peace with her being the only woman that I was ever in a relationship with and the only woman that I was ever intimate with, that peace was contingent upon her faithfulness to me in our marriage. If she is being unfaithful, I can no longer abide being only with her. As shallow as it sound even to my ears, if she is screwing around, I want some of that as well.
That's where my head is right now. It is very possible that things will change. I have no intention of stopping my DBing efforts. However, I do feel that I need to know if she is faithful or not. I suppose that I will hire an investigator and while I understand that it may not be possible to get conclusive proof it would of course be impossible if she were being faithful or only running on the ragged edge of unfaithfulness, I will cross that bridge if I come to it. Additionally, I do have a counseling appointment tomorrow evening and I did invite my W out for the evening and the following day for my birthday and I will see what those inputs have to my decisions.
See, I can't even get through writing a post before I'm slamming my head against the walls. Maybe soon someone will kindly put me into a padded room and shoot me full of drugs.
Everything I wrote up there is true. Then, in trying to complete this post, I ended up on a mediation website that was again pointing out the nearly universally agreed negative effect of divorce on kids and this quote really cut to the heart.
