This isn't necessarily a post of triumph and I reserve the right to flip flop back and forth like a politician. However, the last four days along with lots of good counsel from the wise folks here have given me plenty of food for thought and I do believe that I've come to some conclusions that seem solid about why I'm doing what I'm doing and where I'm coming from mentally and emotionally and so on.
Just a short review. My wife has always been a person that is uncomfortable being beholden to anyone. If you did a favor for her, she would want to pay you for your efforts. This is a woman who told me 6 months ago that when she goes out, she doesn't let men buy her drinks. Yet, this is a woman who by her own hand in text message has accepted lunches and dinners from her two male friends and spent the weekend in the mountains at a condo one of her male friends rented. There is more, but, you get the idea.
Yet, by her mouth, she denies screwing around with anyone and has said that she wouldn't screw around until we were divorced.
One of these stories can't be true.
What about Dan?
I've said it before and I know that it is true. If she is faithful, then I will gladly continue to work hard at DBing. What I've come to understand is why I need to know if she is being faithful or unfaithful.
My wife is basically the only woman I've ever been with. Before I met my wife, I took two different girls out once each. A couple of months ago, I kissed a couple of random bar chicks, but, basically I've never been with another woman. Years ago, I made peace with that fact. My wife had a couple of relationships before we met and that didn't really bother me, I just made peace with the whole deal.
Now, I've identified three reasons that are leading me in the direction I'm going. First, I'm becoming a new man. In fact, the new me is in ascendancy and the old me is dying off. The old me would have done anything to keep this woman. The new me has a respect for self that precludes certain things. I feel like I would be untrue to my new self if I were to continue working on things while she is screwing around. However, truthfully, this is only a small part of things. Second, I believe that it is possible for my W and I to build a shiny new relationship together that is orders of magnitude better than the one we had, but, I believe that she is going to have to see that I am independent and that I don't need her and I don't believe that is going to be possible while we are still married to one another, specifically I don't think that she will believe that I can live without her until I have other women in my life. Again, in truth, this is undoubtedly a small part of why I'm heading in this direction. Lastly, this is sadly I think the major reason that I feel that I need to know whether she is faithful or not. While I made peace with her being the only woman that I was ever in a relationship with and the only woman that I was ever intimate with, that peace was contingent upon her faithfulness to me in our marriage. If she is being unfaithful, I can no longer abide being only with her. As shallow as it sound even to my ears, if she is screwing around, I want some of that as well.
That's where my head is right now. It is very possible that things will change. I have no intention of stopping my DBing efforts. However, I do feel that I need to know if she is faithful or not. I suppose that I will hire an investigator and while I understand that it may not be possible to get conclusive proof it would of course be impossible if she were being faithful or only running on the ragged edge of unfaithfulness, I will cross that bridge if I come to it. Additionally, I do have a counseling appointment tomorrow evening and I did invite my W out for the evening and the following day for my birthday and I will see what those inputs have to my decisions.
See, I can't even get through writing a post before I'm slamming my head against the walls. Maybe soon someone will kindly put me into a padded room and shoot me full of drugs.
Everything I wrote up there is true. Then, in trying to complete this post, I ended up on a mediation website that was again pointing out the nearly universally agreed negative effect of divorce on kids and this quote really cut to the heart.
Maybe soon someone will kindly put me into a padded room and shoot me full of drugs.
Ha! I've had this thought several times myself, and was only half not-serious.
I don't know you're entire sitch, but from this post, I would advise taking things one step at a time, and take stock of how you feel along the way. There is no rush on any of this stuff.
I know it's hard, but what else could you be doing with your time besides worrying whether your W is 'actually' cheating or not?
IMO, if you end up D, there will be plenty of time to explore other fish in the sea, from hopefully a more grounded place. This time is for YOU, to get yourself to a good place. A place where whether or not your M ends, you will be emotionally ready, healthy and happy enough to build a good R. And if you're happy, your kids will likely be, too.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
I've probably bounced back and forth a couple dozen times since writing that post this morning. I actually just got done reading HopefulToTheEnd's post here and I feel like a big wimp.
Yeah, maybe I'll go quietly insane here and yet in front of the kids and my W, I'll be the paragon of virtue and sanity. They'll give me an Oscar and everyone here will start wishing that I'd move to another forum
Oh, and before I forget, IAL thank you for stopping by, it's always nice to have visitors. If I'd known you were coming I'd have baked a cake.
As far as the rest of you go, feel free to call me names, tell me I'm stupid and that I dress funny. You never know, yours might be the post that keeps me sane
Yeah, maybe I'll go quietly insane here and yet in front of the kids and my W, I'll be the paragon of virtue and sanity. They'll give me an Oscar and everyone here will start wishing that I'd move to another forum
Heck no! We'll give you the DB Oscar, and hoist you on our shoulders, cause acting like the paragon of virtue and sanity can make you just that.
BTW, the DB Oscar is made out of self-help books and glued together with tears. Sorry.
Next time I want cake.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
OK, I don't have the recipe in front of me, but, everyone loves my chocolate bomb cake. It's a Texas/Kansas sheet cake, but, instead of making it in the cookie sheet like the recipe says, I make it in a 13" square pan so the cake is 3" thick and the hot frosting that you pour onto the cake as soon as you take it out of the oven ends up being about 3/8" thick. It's so rich that you must eat it with vanilla ice cream and I think after one piece, everyone is borderline type II diabetic.
So, I'll try and remember the recipe. Dang, next thing you know Jeff and I are going to be having a cook off.
Hey Dan, you are anything but a wimp. As a matter of fact, I have great respect for a man who can cry, and still loves his W, no matter what the circumstances.
Welcome to the roller coaster called vacillation Dear Dan. Buckle up because you may be here a while...
(((((((Dan))))))))
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I don't get that from you at all. (But I do understand)
Sometimes I feel like a wimp...But it's not wimpy to be emotional, especially if you do it only to yourself or to us. I've gone through days where I've changed my mind about everything every five minutes. Neither is making a decision.
Dan no one here is a wimp. (but I have doormat tendencies that I'm working on.)
Last edited by HopefultotheEnd; 09/02/0809:44 PM.
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
HTTE, these threads don't really do a good job of capturing the struggles we all go through. As I read through your thread, I made a mental picture of a man who is hurting a little, but, basically executing on all fronts and dealing with the OM situation like a champ. I really don't know where things are going and I to am jealous of Sawks at times. I'm hoping that my counselor can help me find a path forward.
