First of all, I'm glad you are making connections to people in your church. There's a lot of love and support there.
Keep in mind that any half-decent, orthodox, pastor is going to take a quasi-DB approach regarding calling it quits on the marriage, especially when they are fresh to the situation. It's alot like calling a DB coach for the first time. You will get the textbook approach as if the bomb were just dropped a few weeks ago. I think, perhaps you need to find a pastor ther you can relate to and tell him the WHOLE story and let him digest it. In the beginning, they will encourage you to drop your "guard" and loosen the boundaries to create bridges to your wife, possibly returning to the enabling behavior. After they've listened long enough and walked with you long enough they will probably recommend the tough love approach you are taking now. Most of my grounded friends/pastors who have walked with me this long are advocating a tough love, take no crap approach. One pastor has suggested an ultimatum followed with my filing for divorce. (Which, by the way is in Michelle's book, DR)
I can't even begin to guess the right approach regarding your wife's desire to re-connect with household activities. You are compassionate and loving. Yet, in some sense, she can't be shielded from consequences.
My guess is that a major change needs to happen with your wife before she really wants to truly return to the marriage. A change of AmyC proportions. I think if you hang tough, and lovingly make her feel the consequences of her actions, if she REALLY wants to return, she'll make the necessary changes.
Do you want her to need you or want you? I think consequences are a wake up call and it makes us realize our need of the other person, and the loss we are about the incur. But the real changes tend to happen after the panicked/needy attempts to reconnect.
Our WAS wants to see real changes in us, not merely techniques and strategies. In come cases, we won't/can't change a lot, and we need to probably tell out spouses to accept us as we are or take a hike. I think far too few us really are able to GAL and become the better option. But that's another discussion, isn't it?
I think you don't want a needy, flightly, ungrounded, uncommited, unfaithful, wife, even if she makes "attempts" to ingratiate herself to you. Now you are in the position of looking for REAL change.
