New month, new strategy

[istherehope]

Well H did just text me to say he was in South Africa :). Maybe his flight just arrived. I don't know, but it is thoughtful for him to let me know he's OK, and this is something that he used to do all of the time before the bomb. It might be guilt still, but anyway it's nice. I think I need to validate his effort by responding back something very light (but waiting about an hour), like "Glad you made it OK. Good luck with your meetings, I know you'll do well."

ITH

[JCJ]

I would leave off the last bit but if you really want to leave it in it is fine. Excellent non-pressured text :-)

[istherehope]

OK so I what I sent (1 hour after his initial text) was "Glad you arrived safe. Hope you wow them with your suits ;)."

He recently bought 3 new suits, and compliments usually work well with him...

I'm back to feeling low again, but I know I need to snap out of this!

I keep thinking about how I really want to take some unpaid leave, but if I do this will impact our joint finances, and he'll know how upset I am, which I need to try and keep away from him, as it's the last thing he can be worrying about right now, and I know guilt will push him far away. I have brought it up in various positive ways before like just suggesting I want to go do Habitat for Humanity or something, and the first time he said "maybe next year" which of course was future talk and got me all excited, but now I know not to trust the good things that come out of his mouth...Last week I said that after Wroclaw I might want to go to the US for a couple of weeks or something, and see friends but that this would need to be unpaid leave. Again he said "we'll just see." I don't know if this is good or bad. I don't want to push anything related to finances, as this is the one indisputably joint area we still share. I don't want to push him away from that. However I am really needing some time away...

OK I can make it through today. I don't need to have more conversations with H, because each day I don't, he knows I love him enough to give him space. Each day I don't pressure at least adds doubt to his negativity about the R (or so I hope). Each day I don't reach out makes me more interesting. I am building goodwill for my Dublin trip. I am building goodwill for the next joint session, if we have one. Tomorrow he will probably call me, and I need to be strong then, fun and easy to talk to, no asking for reassurances or asking about whether we'll see each other in Dublin...

OK staying strong,

ITH

[JCJ]

I think that was a great text! I'm feeling pooey today too. Jody may have some ideas about your trip away. You shouldn't have to miss out on your needs completely just because your h is confused. Are you sure you can't take your trip to Sweden. I think it would be good for you and you need to look after yourself, especially if it is mostly paid for.

[istherehope]

Hi JCJ,

Problem is that we had this 700E charge come out of our account the other day, and we chatted about it on Sunday. I know it had something to do with H's work, but I needed to do a 180 and act like it was cool with me, and that we could deal with it (in the past I would get SO annoyed with his employer and the way things would be debited and not credited quickly). He offered to cut back on the budget here and there (wish he would offer to cut back on the hotel expense while I'm in Dublin and ask me to stay there!), and so I actually said that I had been thinking of going to Sweden but probably shouldn't now because of the charge, but that that was fine, and we would be fine with the setback. I had reserved a deluxe suite, so it would be about 500E, plus food and everything else. I am pretty sad not to be going, and I had held out hope until last week that we might still go together. However I am fairly certain that he doesn't get back from his work trip until after the flight. I am also pretty certain that he wouldn't want to go with me anyway. We have money in the budget for him to go to Prague, but I gave that as a gift, and I can't go back on my word now...

The only way it could still work out for me to go at this point is if he actually offers. So my idea, tell me if you think this is OK, is that if we talk on the phone tomorrow, I'll ask what day he's coming back from South Africa. If he asks why, or if he says he's coming back before the flight to Stockholm, I'll just say that I was thinking there's no point in wasting both of the tickets to Stockholm, and that since he'll be in Dublin anyway I was thinking he should just go since I hadn't canceled the hotel yet.

There are a couple of potential benefits from this, maybe? First, maybe he would actually just go, and this would be fine, as it could do him some good to go and relax in a nice hotel by himself. Hopefully he would also see this as me getting it that I am not trying to get him to go on a trip with me and that I respect his alone time. Or, possibly, he'd say that he can't go, but that if I wanted to I should still go. Of course it might have absolutely no impact at all, and maybe I shouldn't bring up the trip, period. Of course it would all depend on the tenor of the conversation, on whether he sounded like normal H or alien H. If he sounds like alien H in any way, I think I will end the conversation right away. If he sounds like normal H, then I will know that at least he can hear what I'm saying.

Any thoughts on this?

ITH

[istherehope]

OK no major update at all, but just journaling so that I don't start chatting with H.

Now he's online, and he made contact, but only to tell me about that charge that came out of his account, and how it wasn't his employer, and I only said weird I wonder what it was. He says he's trying to look into it, and I say "OK" Nothing more. I think he is seeing me only as a business partner at the moment, someone he can talk to about finances and pets. I want SOOOOO much to ask him how South Africa is, whether he's having a good time, what his meetings are like, what his flight was like etc. It is so hard not to be able to talk to someone who you thought was your best friend about anything like this. However, unless he starts with pleasantries, I will not. At least at this point. I am resolute in ignoring him unless something requires a response.

I really hope this works and doesn't push him away even more!

ITH

[JCJ]

I don't think there is much harm in asking how SA is? None of the rest of it thought and only do it if you think you can hold back and not get involved. You could try 'How is SA?' if he makes another initiation. No more than that though, when he answers just say something like 'cool glad you are having a good time' or whatever. Keep it light though, you want to be friendly and express an interest, just not too much. :-)

[JCJ]

Also, in response to your post above. If you need a break you need a break. Don't martyr yourself, you need to be strong for this and if you don't think Poland is doing you much good and most of the other trip is paid for then I would say go. JMO

[istherehope]

Thanks JCJ for both posts,

He hasn't reached out again, but if he does I will ask how SA is. I do need a break, I really do, but we need to be financially secure as well for whatever happens, though you're right I am martyring myself a little. I just don't want to go back on my word and overspend. I'll see if I can bring it up in a light way if we have a phone call. Otherwise I have a friend in Hamburg I could go stay with at some point soon, and this would be a cheap trip as well.

ITH

[JCJ]

Otherwise I have a friend in Hamburg I could go stay with at some point soon, and this would be a cheap trip as well.

Sounds like a good compromise...