Please help me to not give up............

[grant]

Hi Sandi,
Thanks so much for the post, and please don't apologise for it's length. I'm just enormously grateful that you would put so much time and effort to help.

Just to get current........ Had a really positive weekend at home. She slept at home ( as opposed to going to her sister's), and I think I made the most of all the interactions that we had. I was positive, upbeat and strong in her presence, and there wasn't any negativity or sniping, showing my hurt or devastation. I acted "as if", and mostly as a close friend, and right from the off, till the moment I left her, it was friendly, without pressure, and really even quite warm at times.

There was no mention of OM from her at all. She is very much aware that talking about him and her feelings for him, is no longer acceptable to me, and more than that, I think she realises that it will be easier for all of us if we can avoid those "triggers" which in the past few months have kept us on that rollercoaster.

I admire her for trying to respect my feelings on it, and for responding to my efforts to try to work towards establishing a more stable friendship. I know without her trying too, it would be almost impossible.

I must say, I do find it hard on one level to understand that she might need to feel that she was attractive to other men. Throughout our marriage, I have always looked at her, found her to be beautiful, and told her so. But I do realise, that her take on my looking at other women in images of pornography, went a huge way to invalidating my words to her. Particularly after she had ramped up our sexual relationship. I know that it's a huge thing for her.

I have wondered also whether she is having a sort of MLC. She has said in the past, that she is not, although I believe that some of her behaviours, thoughts and actions do have some parallels.

Did I really say that I wanted her to read the DR book? I don't recall saying that exactly. Although, to be fair, I am completely mad at the moment, so I wouldn't be surprised!! lol I did learn prettly early on that the DB principals are strictly for 1 person to put in operation, in my sort of situation at least. Perhaps what I meant was that I wished she might be open to the message of reconciliation in the book.
But I can quite understand that to do that would NOT be a good thing. But thanks so much for pointing that critical issue out.

The most difficult thing for me at the weekend, was dealing with her going out for the evening and not returning till 4 in the morning. I was almost insane, thinking about all the possible scenarios about where she might be, who she was with, what she was doing. I knew where she said she was, and though I did believe her, I was still racked with pain and insecurity when she returned home so late.

But I didn't question her, or let her see that I couldn't sleep until she came home. Instead, I just made her coffee in the morning, and she told me all about her evening, and what had happened. I was so glad that I hadn't pursued, or used any of the "more of the same" stuff, because I know that she was telling the truth. If I had acted like the victim, I know it would have spiralled into negativity again. That was good, and I achieved one of my solution based goals..... to get through a weekend without any of that. It's a baby step, and I am trying to see this as another forward move.

I appreciate your thoughts on the boundaries/doormat thing. It's a difficult one to weigh up sometimes. Right now, she has lost her trust in me, and with it, her respect. I know that I need to try to earn that again, and appreciate that my ego and emotions are going to take a big old bashing! I am prepared to be in this for the long haul, but I think I will know when I have done all that I can. If it is to no avail, then at least I will know that I've done my very best, and I don't see how anything bad could come of that. Of course I'm trying not to think about that now, and I'm really working on positive visualisation, and generally putting out good vibes to attract good things to me. I believe in that, I really do. But I have lost sight of that in the last few years.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, that of course I don't want to be with someone who doesn't respect me, but I've got to re-instate my self-respect first before I can hope to gain hers again. I think there may be love there, although she says it's gone. But it is behind a very very big wall, and buried deep somewhere.

Patience, courage and faith, are the things that I pray for. I will check out the "making her happy" newsletters. Thanks for that.

Just to help clarify the OM house situation.......

My sons are best friends with OM's sons. They both sleep over there sometimes, and I had gone to pick them up in the car. At this time, the OM had moved out for a few weeks. This guy apparently talks with lots of old women "friends", apparently on a purely platonic level. I think that he DOES want to leave his wife, but moved back in for the sake of his kids. That's my understanding of it, although right now, because W and I no longer talk about him, I cannot be sure of his or her status.

I can't directly affect it anyhow. I have to let it run it's course, and at the same time try to be the best man I can be, try to "outshine" him as you said. Ouch. lol.

Thanks again so much for all that you've written, and particularly like that hopeful bit at the end about OM fading, fog clearing, and me having become the "better man".

You're and angel S. Thanks.