Sally! Read about your newest roller coaster, and sending good thoughts your way, too.

ot, thanks. I did get it back together, just feel like I went 5 rounds with Tyson. Not used to the crying-face anymore, I guess. I recall when it used to be routine.

Proud of myself that it wasn't me who broke the no-contact thing this time--its been a long time now, hasn't it? And even with that, I got it thrown in my face that the no-contact is selfish, that I'm not putting the kids' first, that I should be able to put all this aside and be able to talk to him and be around him with the kids (brought up Chuckie's holiday concert when I sat in the back and he sat up front with D). Asked how I explain that to the kids--I told him that I tell them it just hurts too much right now, and that I'm working on it.
I tried to explain that its how I have to be right now, so I CAN be there for the kids in the way that they need me. He doesn't get it.

So, here I am at 11:30. I've been laying in bed over an hour trying to fall asleep, so I finally got up, got a small ice cream cone and jumped on here. I'll try a brain dump and see if the sleep thing works better. I wish I had some plain aspirin; only Excedrin with caffeine in it, which doesn't sound like a good idea.

Before bed, I sat and typed the running commentary that was swirling in my head. Everything I could remember from the convo. All the comments that I have heard from loved ones and friends. Tomorrow, I am going to add as much as I can about what I have learned, about how we got here, where I am, how this all happened.

Not sure yet what I want to do with all of it. My initial thought is to retype it legibly and give it to IC, then tell x that if he ever wants to understand my side, to really help me like he has said so many times, he can meet with her and go over it all.

Or she can burn it.

I don't know which one, yet. I keep thinking that the man I loved for so long is in there, somewhere, and I just don't know how to reach him. The thing is, he doesn't want to be reached, and that is a different story, isn't it?

And all the while, I recall the man I recently met. Emotionally intelligent. What is that saying--"The unexamined life is not worth living." Well, this guy isn't afraid of that. Can communicate. And has so many other wonderful qualities.

Makes me think that I will always love x. But, same as if I had been a widow, my heart can grow to love again, love another.

I think all of us here can understand, in awe, of how the heart can grow like that--it did with the birth of each of our children. I don't have to stop loving him to let him go, to accept where and what he is, and that he isn't what I want, anymore.

I told him today that I was so tired of people telling me that I was better off without him. He said, at this point, you are. And that is the truth.