It's funny how time and space changes things. I'm not nearly as bent out of shape now as I was earlier. Things are going well. We texted a little bit today and it was positive. I think that I just get nervous about this house issue because I just want this separation to be over with and if he gets his own place with his friends I just feel like there would not be room for a reconciliation. Or at least not one anytime soon. I guess if he needs to move out then that is what he will do, I just hope he moves out with me and not with his friends. I think I am afraid that if he moves in with his friends he will not want me back at all.
I'm not really a fan of his friends in the first place because they are all a bunch of single guys who like to play video games and drink (quality, eh?) and I do not like the influence they have on my husband. He is a bit of a chameleon when it comes to social situations. He did not have a lot of self-esteem or acceptance as a child and now he kinda does things he would not normally do to gain acceptance from others which I can understand but I just wish he would seek out approval from people with some moral fiber who are married or at least in commited relationships that could help him along not make it easier for him to run away. His family is the same way. His parents hate me (and I'm not a fan in return) and I'm sure they don't care that we are separated. His extended family doesn't really know me and I'm sure they have opinions that are colored by his parents.
My counselor actually asked in our one on one session together if my hubby was a project for me. Like if I had rescue mentality when we got together. It was really the first time I had ever thought of it that way but I think in a lot of ways it is true. I see him for who he really is and who he could become and that is the man I love. However I think it is dangerous because when he does not act the way I know he could or when he does not live up to my fairy tale expectations I get very angry. I have been trying, little by little, to accept him as is and stop trying to change him but it is so hard when I see him acting the way he has in the past.
Right now he does not seem to be doing the same things he was doing in the past. He still hangs out with the same people but from what he tells me it is not all about drinking anymore and he does stay up late but not out at a bar or something. I think a huge part of the reason he was doing that right before I left was because he did not want to be at home which makes sense. It was a hostile environment and he is afraid of confrontation.
Sorry if I am rambling. I have been working on my counseling list and thinking over a lot of issues we have/had. It has got me thinking about things and trying to evaluate the things that I need to change in order for this relationship to work out. So much of the time we focus on what our spouses need and what they want and what we have to do next to make them happy but now I have been challenged to sit down and write out everything I need and the things that I want from a marriage relationship. I guess it is just bringing some questions to mind.
