Well, here is the next installment of As Dan's Mood Turns
OK. I'm going to try starting over with a beginners mind as it says in DB. I'm going to try and throw away all of my preconceived notions. I'm going to try and turn off my fear and my imagination and my judgment.
W told me about her most recent visit to the OBGYN. She has been bleeding for 4 weeks. The OBGYN did a vaginal ultrasound and a biopsy and both came back negative for anything wrong. She said that she was tested for everything and she doesn't have AIDS or anything else except the one that she's had for years. She told me that they ran the pregnancy tests each time even though she told them she couldn't be pregnant both to rule it out as a cause and to be covered for liability reasons. Then, to help normalize her hormones, she has been prescribed, you guessed it, birth control pills. I just have to laugh at all this. It is almost as if God or someone is toying with me.
W had a new camelback type of backpack and she told me about it how it was a birthday present from her girlfriend and how she bought her two packs and let W choose which one she wanted and took the other one back. And, she told me how her one friend is going to teach her Photoshop. I asked if it was her friend that does video and she talked just a little about him.
I've always thought that I have at least some ability to read people and either my W has learned to be an amazingly good liar and she is a complete sociopath, or I'm wrong and she is fairly innocent and I've been reading the "evidence" to tell a bad story because I'm afraid and there was no bad story to tell. I'm sure that we've all had things happen to us where afterward we thought "No one will ever believe what just happened." Perhaps that is what is happening here. I just don't know.
Here is what I do know. Having made the decision to divorce my wife, and getting a good cry on this morning, I came out the other side feeling much stronger and like that perhaps I have more in me to spend on trying to save this marriage. It is like I gave myself permission to hurt and cry and continue trying.
On to our day.
I rushed around with my face to the grindstone getting as much done as I could before W showed up because I didn't want her to see how badly I had let things slide and because it needed doing. She showed up and we got sunscreen on the kids and filled the water bottles and the bladder on her pack, we stopped at the store and then drove into downtown. The kids were just a handful, but, I never hollered or yelled at them. We ate, and I got a BBQ sandwich for W and she asked if I was going to share it with her and I did. I also got S8 a hotdog and myself a cheese steak sandwich which I shared with W. We had a great time sitting in the shade eating and the kids asked and I took pictures of them in the tree with my cell phone camera. Then the kids and I rode on some rides and then we went and got ice cream and sat in the shade to eat it, and then we looked at the flowers and the crafts for sale, got some smoothies to drink. The total bill for the day $120 and worth every penny. Oh I forgot at the very end, we sat and watch the ventriloquist and the kids loved it.
I saw that my W had her work schedule for the next 2 weeks and I saw that she is off on the 12th and 13th. My birthday is on Monday the 15th, and early this morning I was hoping to get some time away with her where we could have an honest conversation where I was going to tell her to cut the BS, that I know that she has been fooling around. I'm ever so glad that I didn't say anything about that. Instead I asked if she had any plans for Friday night and Saturday and that I was hoping that we could go out together Friday night and then spend the day together on Saturday. She seemed open to the idea. I will need to actually make plans, but, it is just possible that my W and I can go on a date together except that I will be like we are on our first date and just make it a fun evening and day.
When we got home, we washed the windows in her car and then she came in and we took care of some things. I got a couple of hugs which I initiated and a kiss. One hug was her thanking me for a wonderful afternoon. I looked for the kiss and didn't make it weird. It's possible that she was a little hesitant to give me a kiss, but, I didn't take advantage of it and she relaxed during the kiss. I'm ambivalent about whether I shouldn't have gone for the kiss, but, I enjoyed it and it's too late to do anything about it now.
That was our day.
Maybe I'm stronger than I think and maybe if I start with a beginner's mind and forget all the things that I "know" then it might be possible to resurrect the romance and love that once existed between us.
(((Julia))), It's funny, there were no feelings needing put into a box while we were out today.
I'm not really sure where things go from here and I'm certainly not sure where my W and I are relationship wise, but, I think that if I can master my emotions and feelings, then things could be possible.
