Love Don't Live Here Anymore

[Yoyowife]

Her letter to OM was an apology for bothering him at home. Apparetly she had ended up talking to OM's family and it got ugly. W refers to OM's family as his "tenants", several times. It said a lot of mushy stuff and whining about her life, and about what she sees as her duty to defend OM from his family's "abuse".

She's sick, folks.

She bemoans the assertion that she never got that and that OM's "tenants" stood in the way.

Wow, she is certainly sick! My first thought is how could she do this to the OM's family? Then I thought well she had so little regard for her own family, why worry about his? What was I thinking?!!! Oh what a pity that the OM's wife and children are standing in the way of your W's happiness. How dare they do that!

In my case the OW was also married and had children. They both had so little regard for either family or their children.

I do agree that your wife is sick. Sadly, so are alot of other spouses...

NC, hold your head high. You are good man that does not deserve this. You will come out ahead.

[LL44]

Not much time, but don't no 2 X 4's from me. I've done it.

Also, OW in H's life was 'rescuing' him from me, by the way. Script talk.... Its a cycle. My H fed her lines "woes me, my W is horrible" and OW did the same about her H to my H. They can rescue each other. How else could they get together, what excuse would they have if they were in happy marriages?

Thinking of you.

[fightingirish]

((((nc)))))

She is very lost, and every one of us is guilty of snooping one time or another. It may actually been good for you to see that, for you to move on and know if you are wasting your time even trying.

For her, Like yoyo said to be ruining another man's life/family and her own is really sickening.

You are on the path to recovering my friend, you will be ok, you will move on and find someone else in the future who is worthy of you.

[SallyM]

yep, she is very very lost. and trying to find what is messed up in her thru other people...not gonna happen. just sad so many people, especially the kids, end up in the wake.

stay strong and true to your kids and yourself. you will be okay.

and oh yes to the snooping. oh yes. sometimes I think we do it because we need to info to help us move on. and sometimes I think its straight out masochism. I just know for myself I usually felt worse when I snooped, and better when I avoided it. but there were times when it made me stronger, more confident, and better directed.

honestly (interesting choice of words) the thing I still resent even now is the lack of honesty from h that made snooping a part of my life to begin with. I am not a snooper by nature, I hated it, and it started to change who I was and not for the better. I still wish he had just been upfront and honest about what he was doing...it would have hurt like hell, but like ripping off a bandaid it might have been easier in the long run. or maybe not.

okay, babbling here. take care of you!

[NoCodeBlues]

Yoyo, I just don't understand how a father can forget his kids, whether they're grown or not. I know I get busy sometimes but I can't help having my thoughts drift back to them eventually. I am thankful I have a webcam to look in on S3 during the day at his preschool. And I can inquire with S7's teacher via email.

Bethie, this does help me leave the rope on the ground, where it belongs.

Lwb, if this is script, and I have no reason to think otherwise, then it is sad commentary on how severe this WAS sickness is. I would hope this particular mania were isolated to W's own case of this disease. But who can say how far the insanity that leads them to sabotage their M and family will actually take them?

Tal, I don't have much sympathy for the OM potentially losing his family, not after aiding and abetting the dissolution of mine. The coward. But it's not fair to his wife and children -- I don't care whether or not she might have truly been "abusive" to him. The kids certainly don't deserve it.

Sally, I still think that I would rather all the mystery and drama be set aside, and have my WAS level with me honestly. Part of me might fear to hear what really is going on, but I've come to despise dishonesty and deceit so much I'd be willing to risk the pain.


Thanks to all of you for the kind words of support. As I mentioned, I'm still thinking on this new revelation. It doesn't really change anything except solidify my resolve to keep moving forward with or without her -- most likely without her.

I hope everyone had a great holiday weekend. I caught a bargain movie this afternoon -- saw Hellboy 2. It was a good escape from everyday concerns (and not-so-everyday concerns).

[LL44]

Did you ever read "Not Just Friends?". It provides great (albeit painful) insight into how affairs become affairs.

And that is all you can do, nocode. Move forward. LimboLand is very painful. So move forward, for yourself and for your sons. If your wife follows, then she follows. If not, you will surround yourself with a positive life.

[Gypsy]

Hey Codeless Blue One..

Don't you just love lwb? "Not Just Friends" is a great book giving the perspective from the cheated on spouse, the wayward spouse and the other partnet. Very eye opening.

As far as snooping goes, once you know the basics the additional facts, rumors or signs don't do anything for me, aside from bringing me down.

Yesterday I was on a high.. I'd gotten a note from him that in the past would have made me cry. I knew who to call to help me sort it out. I was busy giving myself the golden pickle award when my brother (my 'go-to guy") pointed out that spouse had been lying to me for quite a while. That floored me.

For some reason I'd only paid attention to the lying I knew, whatever came out after the bomb, not all the deception leading up to it. That made me sad, very sad.

Snooping is like dirty diapers. One whiff and you know what it is. Any more than that is like putting the poop under a light and trying to figure out what was processed.

*hugs*

[ernest88]

NCB,

I would not be too hard on myself for snooping. All have done it.

In our sitches it does not hurt to snoop IMO.

If you are done, then the more info you have on the "other" side then the better off you are..legally anyway.

Some choose to snoop, some do not. To each his own.

I say it's much better to have "light" cast on the surroundings than to walk around in the "dark".

[NoCodeBlues]

Lwb, I have read "Not Just Friends", but it has been a while. I picked it up not long after you began reading it and talking about how it made you mad enough to through the book across the room. But I think it deserves another read.

Gypsy, Mike, I'm sort of at peace with the snooping itself. It's not the first time however. I figure as long as one does'nt obsess about the snooping or allow it to come between you and actually healing/detaching, and as long as it provides information to help deliver one out of the darkness of ignorance, then it can be okay. I feel this is the case. I don't feel a desire to snoop anymore -- I know just enough to tell me the lay of the land now, and I can move ahead in that knowledge. Until maybe the next new development that transpires, possibly due to yet another change in tact by W, I feel no desire to persist in snooping.

Mind you, I have shed a tear again over this, realizing the plight is as bad as I had feared -- but I sort of knew this already, intuitively and indirectly. And I now have confirmation of just which scenario -- of about three primary scenarios I've been considering -- this really is.

Now I will focus my effort again back on my S's knowing that their mother is not as stable and responsible as she makes herself out to be. I know that any admonishments she delivers to me for being a so-called bad parent are actually delivered out of subconscious guilt for her own foolish transgressions. Either way I need to do what I can to provide shelter and comfort for my boys, as this might not turn out a happy ending for this poor lost person they love so very much.

My heart breaks for all of them. But I know now that the Lord has given me the challenge to heal myself -- at least to the point where I can still be the rock of support for my S's. As for W, she will continue to refuse to even recognize any offers of help from me, she still denies my very humanity -- so I cannot help her.

[cat03]

hey blue, your post at LO's caught my eye, I am painting a mural in my son's room, you are prob an artist in some degree (or very brave, )

The thing with snooping, boy, am I cured to 100% after I found another huge horrible cover up from stbx (it involved the most lies ever told). I was so mad I wanted to confront him, but I realize, why? our R is dead, we all know he is the biggest liar in the world and it wouldnt' make me feel any better. That's what snooping does, kicks you in the gut and taunts you again.

Your W sounds like the same thing stbx's gf believed, that she was giving him what the witch of his W wasnt' giving him at home, how deluded her perception of her M was, guess they have to tell themselves all those fairy tales in order to run after the OP/mirage. I have long ago realized that I cannot save stbx from himself, so the less I know about him the better.

You sound strong in the Lord and I am glad for that, I thank God my little ones like church and talk about Jesus and we are able to pray together, your faith through this trial will be a light to your sons.