Made it back from Burning Man alive and none the worse for wear! Had a great time, though it was pretty difficult to be around all those nubile young women wearing ... well, nothing. Except paint.
Made new friends, had good conversations, but it was strange to be alone in the crowd. I'm still learning to walk again, I guess, and I'm a little disappointed in my ability to put myself out there. Right now I just can't. There was a lot I could've taken advantage of, but I had to take it at a pace I felt comfortable with. It was strange, though, to see all the the young couples - such innocence!
As far as DBing goes, I guess I've pretty much given it up at this point. Based on the reactions of my W whenever we get together, I think that if I tried really hard to charm her, I could win her back. But I realized that I don't want to.
She wasn't willing to make it work. In fact, she sabotaged our M with everything she had; she burned bridges despite her unwillingness to recognize that she was doing so. She rejected any kind of future with me, so why should I continue to let her be part of my life? It's hard to pick yourself up and find/build new relationships as a single person. Many of our married friends have rejected me in subtle but obvious ways. I have to force myself to go back out and start from scratch. But that is still better than putting my trust in someone who has shown how little she deserves it.
In a NYT book review of "Epilogue" by Anne Roiphe, the subject of loneliness was much discussed. Those left alone feel left out, extra, not fully present, and unable to go anywhere. When they do go out, they check their watch and long to get back to the safety of their home. The point is, it's hard trying to reestablish rhythm in one's life after a major disruption. Time helps, but will never erase.
That's my work. The acceptance of my past and the movement towards my future. I need to build a future that moves beyond self-defeating behaviors. I need to build a future that includes people who support rather than reject me.
I'm a person who is open to newness and embraces the unforeseen, but balances that with creating stability and a comfortable home. Why on earth do I think I'll never love again? That's silly. There's a lot to experience in this world and while it's great to share those experiences with someone, it isn't necessary.
One last thought. On my drive back, my friend mentioned that anyone I date in the future will probably have kids. I hadn't thought of that before. It certainly doesn't bother me and I've always been good with kids, but how strange to face the possibility of an instant family in my next relationship.
