While I don't know your wife's position or her feelings there has been much that she has said over the past few months that I relate to personally. In many ways I do think I know exactly what she is going through.
Another thought. What would have made a difference to you when you were feeling like she is? I know your H didn't DB, he just suffered through it until you had your awakening.
It would be really helpful if you could 'retell' the story of your awakening and the time frame.
Today W and D17 were supposed to go to D13's birthday party and W's / D13's 40 year old single girlfriends house an hour away. D13 went there yesterday to hang out with her.
Apparently she started to show flu symptoms last night and this morning she was really sick. So they ended up going to get her and bring her home.
W came in and was 'in charge', putting her in bed, giving her orders as to which medicine to take. I talked to her and she was telling me what to do to take care of her like she always does.
She was very polite and pleasant, at least I can be grateful that we don't fight any more.
Then she took some spices and flour and other stuff so she could make he some pumpkin bread at her friends house where W is staying.
As she's leaving she lingers at the door, telling me if I'm going anywhere for an extended period of time, to call her so she can come over to 'be with D13'.
I assured her that I wasn't going anywhere and if I did I would let her know.
She said she'd come by later with the pumpkin bread.
D13 isn't that sick, no high fever, she just feels cruddy. I know how to take care of my kids when they are sick. I'm the 'stay at home dad who works from home'.
so many people post in tones that are what I consider 'bitter'. Short attacks on my W.
Frank, I agree. I have seem this happen on your thread and others around here. Personally, I would be really ticked if someone talked about my W in a negative way. Demeaning our spouses has no benefit to us or to our situations.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
Because this is the third time around. 1998, 2005, and now.
I see your point and I can see how you would be skeptical. However, you are here so I have to assume that you hold out some hope.
I know in the past you put a lot emphasis on being a strong man for her and I seem to remember that you gave her an ultimatum or pressed her to return at one point. I could be mistaken though. I do remember that when I came here you here in a rebuilding phase.
What I'm getting at is what have you done to help her? I'm not trying to be critical, I'm honestly asking. You say she has been abused in the past and she is carrying emotional issues from that. You also say that she has trust issues. Has she gone to therapy to try and resolve these issues? Have you offered to help her in that way?
What you are doing in terms of enforcinging your boundaries is fine, but I wonder if what she needs is real help because her issues seem to run far deeper than you and her.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
Because this is the third time around. 1998, 2005, and now.
I see your point and I can see how you would be skeptical. However, you are here so I have to assume that you hold out some hope.
I know in the past you put a lot emphasis on being a strong man for her and I seem to remember that you gave her an ultimatum or pressed her to return at one point. I could be mistaken though. I do remember that when I came here you here in a rebuilding phase.
What I'm getting at is what have you done to help her? I'm not trying to be critical, I'm honestly asking. You say she has been abused in the past and she is carrying emotional issues from that. You also say that she has trust issues. Has she gone to therapy to try and resolve these issues? Have you offered to help her in that way?
What you are doing in terms of enforcinging your boundaries is fine, but I wonder if what she needs is real help because her issues seem to run far deeper than you and her.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
[ What you are doing in terms of enforcinging your boundaries is fine, but I wonder if what she needs is real help because her issues seem to run far deeper than you and her.
After the last time 3 years ago she was seeing a therapist. I thought she 'got it' finally and was giving her time and space to re-integrate into the family.
Sadly, I was wrong. My life pressures went into overload a year later, and she hadn't changed. I posted stuff here about that back then. How I was wondering how much longer I was going to have to 'carry this relationship'.
I just couldn't believe things were still the same.
So I deteriorated and couldn't support her any more. And she couldn't support me as I deteriorated.
Now, I know better. I've bottomed out and have no choice but to fight for my life. She is living her fantasy life. Yeah she's pretty broke but this is what she said she wanted.
I know Amy and others are 'right' in that I do dish out 'reality' in 'baby steps'.
I got an email from David Cunninghams website that was about a man who's wife had no self esteem because she hadn't accomplished anything in her life. She is 40 something and needed to go 'find herself'.
He being a strong mature man let her go. He told her that she needed to grow up and have a life before she was going to be able to share one with him, and that reconciliation wasn't an option until she had grown enough to feel good about herself and be able to enjoy his company instead of being dependent on it.
Months went by where she behaved with immaturity and fabrication of events. Eventually she seems to be coming out of the fog and hints at reconciliation.
David makes a reference to the concept of 'Justice'. "Justice" isn't about law, or necessarily even about punishment. It's about getting what one deserves - what he or she has earned by virtue of their choices and actions, good, bad or indifferent.
He refers to Julius Caesar's father-in-law, a Roman statesman by name of Lucius Calpurnius Piso Caesoninus who said:
Let justice be done, though the heavens fall.
What Caesoninus was saying was that they should do what was just, even if it upset and destroyed the natural order of things, in his case, the unseating of some powerful people, in our reader's case, hearing something that was other than what he wanted to hear.
Quote:
A real man knows that no matter what happens, if it is realistic and just, he can build upon it and make improvement and progress, even if he has to rebuild from ruins. He doesn't like or try to create mayhem, but if that's the only way that he and those around them can get what they deserve, good, bad, or indifferent, he's prepared to go that route, because his word, his character, and his self-respect are important to him.
This is how he sleeps well at night, and why he wakes up each morning looking forward to the day, no matter what the previous day held or this day holds. It is the guardian of his self-esteem, and the polish on the tools of his achievement: intellect, character, and confidence.
In some ways I am denying myself 'justice' because I do not want to destroy what is, so that I can build anew. But 'what is' goes against my personal code of values.
I have a sense of justice and strong character. It is the foundation of who I am and the choices I make haven't been true to that. I needed this reminder to know that what I need to do is right.
A minor thing. When W was here I gave her an update on the house, told her I sent them enough to get us out of foreclosure and that I could catch us up another month in about a week.
She said she thank you and that she was sorry she doesn't make enough money to be of any help.
You are correct to point out when the "tone" of a post is an attack on your W. It is the frustration some have with her but she should never be attacked or degraded.
She is a person, like you and I, trying to find her way. From her point of view she is doing the best she can and realizes not the hurt she may cause along her journey. Or maybe she realizes it, but her focus is elsewhere now so it is not processed.
You are doing well to support her while you go along your own journey. Yes, we still love them. I would take a bullet for my Ex, no question. But I cannot let her be the focus of my life.
Instead of showing her what life is like without Frank, show her what life can be like with the new Frank. From my knothole, that is exactly what you are doing when you pay the bills, set firm boundaries, and work with her best you can.
So keep it up.
You ARE a good man Frank. I am fortunate to have "met" you.
You are doing the right thing by your W. And there is never a wrong time to do the right thing.
Thanks Jeff, it is the anger that I'm trying to to absorb when some people express it.
Originally Posted By: Jeff223
Instead of showing her what life is like without Frank, show her what life can be like with the new Frank. From my knothole, that is exactly what you are doing when you pay the bills, set firm boundaries, and work with her best you can.
I think this is right. I hope she becomes 'the new W', one who is more compatible with my needs from a relationship.
Quote:
You ARE a good man Frank. I am fortunate to have "met" you.
You are doing the right thing by your W. And there is never a wrong time to do the right thing.
