Please help me to not give up............

[sandi2]

Hi grant, I had a little time today to try to post so thought I would drop in and see how things are going. I bet that long distant working would be quite a test for a lot of M. Some women just aren't cut out for it and actually do need more attention than they need the materialistic things. However, many jobs do require the man to be gone from home serveral days and it does make if hard on the kids and the R with their dad. It places many H's/dads in a bad place b/c they have to make a living for their families.......so what to do.

I think with also this OP back in her life again, it has been a source of attention and validation for her, and it has in some way, helped to meet the emotional needs that I have failed to provide for her.

I agree with that statement you made back on one of your posts. She probably was lonely and did need the attention and the validation. You know, I vowed that I would not become a certain type of married woman or that I would not allow my H and I to become this certain type of couple and have the type of M's I had seen in others......and yet.....here we are. It is so very difficult for it not to happen. It takes so much work and it is like if you let down for any length of time, there is a great deal of damage done in a short period. But, I think of the word "habit" more than anything else. I believe "habits" fall into place and at first we may not even particularly like the habit, but after a while, we just accept it and then we actually become comfortable with it. Just like with my H not sleeping in the bed with me. Now, I am comfortable with it and would probably be uncomfortable having somebody sleeping in the bed with me. But, I did miss it a lot in the beginning and I did not like it. Soon the intimacy became less and less until there wasn't any. Now, we are like an old pair of slippers. We are comfortable.

In looking at your ages, I also wonder if your W may be having some MLC issues. Now, I thought I was! Really, even though I was considered too old to be having mid-life crises......I had all the signs. My age had never bothered me until I realize I was about to turn 60 and then it was like the bottom feel out. I needed to be flattered, whereas before, I may have appreciated it but I didn't "need" it to build my ego up. However, at that point in time......I needed to be reasurred about my sexuality and looks and just being "female". I think that is why having the attention from other men.....especially a lot younger men than myself, was big ego food for me. It didn't matter that it was probably all lies.....I ate it up never-the-less! And, it began to show up on me, so the ego food worked! Stange as it seems to me now, my H could tell me the same thing, but it did not have the affect the it did coming from complete strangers. Do you know what I mean by that? I think you do.

You said something that I thought was so.....understanding and kind of ...I don't know...sweet. When you said that you did not really blame your wife for her affair with OM. And then you named the reasons you felt that you had failed in the break down of the M. Not many men do that. Mine didn't. He still blames me for my failures in the M, the EA, all of it. I have not heard him change his tune about any of it. I have learned from reading the post from other men here on the board how terribly painful it is for their W's to have an affair, even if it is just an EA. It is the fact that that trust was broken. That is one thing my H and I had in each other.....trust. He trusted me so much....and that is why I got away with what I did for as long as I did. But, he probably will never trust me again.....not like he once did. I have to live with that.

I did read something that I did not see where anyone responded to it. You mentioned that you wanted to try to get your W to read the DR book. I hope you know by now that it is not for her. The DR/DB principles are strickly for you.....not her. They are your tools and your game plan and she doesn't need to see it. Besides, trying to get her to look at any type of marriage improvement stuff is not going to work. I am fully shocked if she goes to a C. But, some WAW's will do that to justify their reasons for leaving such a sorry H that they paint them out to be to the C. In today's world, most C will tell the client to leave their spouse and go find happiness. It is hard finding a pro-marriage C.

Being separated, it's very very difficult to find opportunities to "outshine" OM, particularly when I know how much they talk to one another. That's the reason that I am trying so hard to work toward friendship with her, to show her that I am strong, and that I can live with things. I do have worries about appearing "doormat" like, esp when my self esteem is so low.

I am sure it is very difficult on you, but try to look at it this way.....it gives you more time to "practice" all you self-improved changes for the next time she will see you. You will get so good at your practicing, that it will become second nature to you so that it will not appear to be fake at all. Then she will really believe it.

We need to talk about the "doormat" thing. First, even friendships require boundries lines. Right? Don't you know if you cross the line with one of your friends? I think the first thing she needs to learn is that you will have to draw the line with her talking about the OM to you. You want to be her friend, but not a "girl friend" that she can talk about her love affairs with. So, if she begins to bring up the subject of the OM, just put your hand up in a stop signal, or else softly place your finger over her lips to "hush" her. Then softly, but firmly, tell her that it feels very inappropriate for her to talk about the OM to you and that you feel it is a sign of disrespect and therefore you do not want her to do that any longer. You want to be her friend, but that you have to draw the line at listening to her love affairs with OM. If she tries to argue about this.....just don't do it. Shake your head at her and just say, "No, I'm not going to talk about that any longer. That's my stand on it." Or whatever sounds more like you, but do not argue about it.....period. If she is the type to really get pissed off and starts causing a scene....leave. Never stay around her when she starts a battle. I would have been the type to have big fight scenes with my H but he was the kind to walk out and leave me with my anger. I would be so mad that I wanted to throw something. I didn't, but I felt like it...lol. That was his way of not fighting. Although, I believe couples should try to talk their problems out, in this particular case, and any other lines you draw, if she starts to try to "fight" about it.....do not fall into that trap....walk away. If she crosses the boundry and starts to talk about OM to you again, remind her that you have asked her not to do that, so since she won't honor it you will have to leave. If she says she is sorry that she forgot and asks you to stay.....you can give her another chance the first time.....but not the second. Believe me, she won't forget the second time....she will only be testing you.

I think that is the way to draw up your boundries. Anytime you feel that she is not respecting you.....tell her that you cannot tollerate that treatment or behavior and as long as she chooses to continue to do that, you won't come around her. You want to be her friend, but that is being disrespectful.

The thing is this, Grant, if she is not going to disrespect you and if she makes you feel like a doormat......are you really sure that is who you want for a wife? I know that right now in your pain that you are in a type of "fog" yourself and it is hard to see beyond that, but I don't think a man wants a woman that doesn't respect him. The reason I believe that is b/c every single book I have ever read and ever magazine I have read, ever article about what men desire the most from women is admiration.....which is just another word for respect. That is why so many men will have an affair with a woman they don't even love or she may be ugly as a pig, but if she makes him feel like a king, then he will keep going back to her. That admiration is that important to him. Therefore, since your ego has had a hard kick in the seat of your pants, I think you need to make a list of things that you intend to draw up some boundries about. Then stick to them and you will begin to feel stronger and more like the man you use to feel like. Reading the newsletters from making her happy will help you in this area also. It can be found on the Internet. In the long run, you will earn her respect by making her respect you. She may act like she doesn't like it, but as I told one of my kids once......you don't have to love me if you don't want to, but by God you will respect me!

Well, as usual, I have written a very long post. Sorry about that. I can't seem to stop once I get started. I will check on you later and see how you are coming with those boundries. BTW, where do you stay when you go back home from being at work?

I didn't understand why you were picking up your kids at OM's wife's house. Could you explain that? You said she did not know about the affair. Which only tells me that OM doesn't want her to know......and that means he does not want to leave her or he's afraid she'll take him to the cleaners at court. Anyway, it will only be a matter of time that your W's fantasy man and dream will fade and she will begin to come out of the fog. But you want to be the better man when she does.

Take care,
Sandi