I was wondering where you went. I posted to you in my new thread Beauty and the Beast. Look and you will see I even put a video on the post for you to watch. Next time you move in the forum let me know .. K? I am sorry to see that he is still lost. I do see that you are trying to take baby steps just for you. That is awesome. Why did you leave Newcomers? I will post more in a bit. prayers and blessings,,,
Here I am. I guess I don't see it as an important issue what forum I'm on. My husband seems to fit them all. Or else I'm just totally confused. Tonight he said to me, "I dont' bother you. I leave you alone," as if that is what I want him to do. It's not. I want him to want to see me/call me/date me. He avoids me like the plague.
Speaking of forums - where is that Detaching thread you started a few days ago? I've got some questions!
Hope you are doing well this weekend.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
I will go and find the other thread for you. But if you ever need to find a post that you wrote, or even a thread that you contributed to, you can go to the "my stuff" tab at the top of the screen and pull down the drop down menu and look for it there. Just look for a thread called "Detaching."
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
Ok, I'm going to give this thread another stab. I'll throw out a beacon and see if anyone shines any light back into it.
On Thursday, I let my attorney take the reins and offer up an "uncontested divorce." My part being to let the h stay in the home. He called and said he would not file that day and would wait and see what I offer.
Then since then, he's been all angry and offensive ever since. I'm resigning myself from here on out to drop the rope. I can't stand the way he makes me feel. I'm calm when I don't talk to him, and he's all about blame.
Someone pushed up his camper window yesterday, supposedly, and supposedly tampered with his new lock, that he replaced so I can no longer get in. At least that's what he intimated. He took the time to call me last night and let me know this, and of course, he said I was the one who did it. I lost my temper and yelled into the phone that I can't let him drive me insane like this, and hung up. I know. I handled it wrong. I should have just let him vent and hang up on me, which is how he communicates with me anymore.
Then, this morning, I tried to talk to him again, but he was "busy moving his camper to a new location," so I can't find him. ha ha ha. I think if I really wanted to find him, I could. Then he said, "I'm not the one who's violent. You are." He likes to blame me for everything. What's up with that?
But, I will let it stand. I'm dropping the rope. I don't even know if I love him anymore. He's hurt me too much. Someone once said, it's over when I say it's over. And since he only wants to come home anymore when I'm not here, I guess I'm saying it's over. How is that he can change the locks on his camper, but I'm not allowed to change the locks on the house. I've threatened that, and he said, "Go ahead and waste your money." So, I don't know. I guess he's got a inside scoop that I don't have. Wonder what it means.
Poet- don't let him threaten you. IF you want to change the lock, then change them. it's a boundary thing...ya know?
you have to remember....the person you are seeing is NOT your H. he's still buried under alot of pressure and pain and all sorts of emotions that we cannot begin to understand. Drop the rope, but don't give up. Detach. IT's a learning process. We all are learning....
hang in there girl. i believe you are doing right. keep it up!
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Poet, What your h is doing is projecting on to you what he's thinking about himself or what he's done or planning to do, etc. As for the tampering with the lock, it may or may not have been done, but his paranoia is in full swing. He's looking for an excuse to move his camper and he used the tampering of the lock to do so. Oh, yes, they all have their secret little hideaways that we aren't suppose to be able to find.
As for changing the locks, he knows that you'll do it and he wants you to think you can't keep him out. In other words, he would most likely tamper with the new locks on your place if you had them installed. You might want to check with your lawyer to see if you can do it with him out of the house. In my state, I had to ensure that all of his personal belongings were out of the house and draft separation papers were in his hands before I could change the locks.
Don't accept ownership for the accusations he's tossing to you. Just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then hang up. Fueling his anger is what keeps him going and validates why he left. The less you react to his crazy making behavior the better. I know it's not easy, but you've got to find a way to deal w/him in a different manner. He's acting like a spoiled 2 yr. old that is teething.
I would just let him sit in that camper and fume a while. The less contact you have w/him the better. Time to live your life and find a way to remain sane and not allow him to drive you to the loony bin. Remember, you didn't break him, therefore, you can't fix him and no you can't have rational conversations w/him either.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry, but didn't really get the computer this w/e with Josh at the cottage. But I read your post and am thinking back to a few other people who had very similar situations. A few guys, even who had children, did not let anyone know where they lived. They thrive on the secrecy and they want to be far from us. I know of at least 2 that lived in campers.
My ex and maggot (ow) found her car with slashed tires and immediately assumed it was me. No way I would do that - I happen to know that HER husband did it - he told me, but my ex and maggot went to the police station and tried to take out a restraining order on me and on my son. He had visited his dad a few days earlier, found maggot there, and was extremely angry and hurt. But there was no violence. The police considered H and maggot a joke and no RO was issued.
I changed the locks as soon as Ex left. 4 years later, after saying nothing, he became enraged in mediation about me changing the locks. He did admit to being abusive (that is why I changed them) but didn't think I should have changed them despite the fact he lived with maggot and I did not have a key to his place. I didn't even realize at the time that this could be a problem. Like Snodderly suggests - be sure to ask your L about this.
And you are right. Only you can say how long you will contine to fight for this man. When I began questioning whether I loved him or not - that is when I knew I had done as much as I could. But we are all different.
Be patient about getting replies. Many people have mamy things going on but it doesn't mean they don't care. Post to others on their threads and you will make some friends who will start to check on you more regularly.
"But I read your post and am thinking back to a few other people who had very similar situations. A few guys, even who had children, did not let anyone know where they lived. They thrive on the secrecy and they want to be far from us. I know of at least 2 that lived in campers."
Yes, he wants to be far from me. I can see that now. He does thrive on secrecy. hmmmm. If you can remember who the (2) are who lived in campers, and who the others are who did not let their LBS know where they were, could you post their names here for me? I would love to go read their threads and find out what happened. It's a way for me to process this, you know?
