Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I've been around I just haven't had much to post. Things are still going well. My hubby is coming to visit me tomorrow sometime in the afternoon just to hang out and have fun. We have our next session for counseling on Wednesday in the afternoon so we will probably spend that whole day together as well. We have been texting as usual and while we are not talking about anything super serious we are talking regularly which is always nice. I have been busy doing my own thing the past couple of days and have just been leaving him alone. I know that if I initiate a conversation he will reply but I am just letting it go right now because the last thing I want is to mess up any of the progress we have made by being clingy. And besides that I really haven't felt the need to be in constant communication, probably detachment, because I know that if I wait a coupld of days I will usually end up being with him in person and that is so much better!
I'm still working on my list for counseling and will probably post it on Monday to get some feedback before I present it on Wednesday. I hope he is working on his list. I'm kind of nervous about the session because it seems like it will be when we officially decide to work things our or cut our losses and walk away. I don't really see the latter happening but it is still a possibility at this point. We have to decide whether or not we can give each other what we want and need in order for the relationship to survive.
I guess my only real frustration at this point is that we are still not saying "I love you." I am resolute and will not say it first even when it feels like it is going to burst out of me. I just don't know what the hold up is on his part. Perhaps I am just being impatient but I don't understand why he hasn't said it seeing as how things are going so well for us right now. I have been wanting to initiate a R talk the past few days. I just am really scared of messing things up!
How do I know when it is okay to bring some of these things up? I know I said I was going to have a R talk the other day after our session but we didn't really talk about it other than just a few little things about our homework assignment. Hmmm.
Well thanks for checking in on me ITH. I've been reading along as you post and have not had much to add so that is why I have been quiet. I'll post later.
Hi Daisy!! I spent today reading your whole thread here and must congratulate you on your progress!!!
Wow - less than three months and dates and cuddling...I am soo jealous!! LoL. I had almost the same problems with H..going out 3-5 times during the week with his friends, drinking, going to his mommy for help with everything and then finally wanting to "live his own life". We are nowhere near where you and your H are now but I look to your sitch as great inspiration that a guy that is like my H can come around as yours did and my sitch is not hopeless.
Well I have a little bit to update. My hubby came over yesterday to hang out. It was later than expected and while I was not going to call because I did not want to seem desperate or pursuing I ended up calling late in the day because I was thinking maybe he had forgotten. Turns out he had a family thing come up and did not think it would take as long as it did. I still don't see why he could not have called me to tell me but then again we never set a time to get together it was kinda an up in the air plan. Oh well. The phone call was like a minute long and he left about an hour later. So he did not get here until like 5 or something. Which bummed me out because I wanted to spend more time with him but I'll take what I can get.
I was finishing up watching a movie when he got here so we waited until it was over and then left to go to the store because he needed something and I had to get a few things as well. We had a little relationship talk on the way there because he had mentioned that he had aquired a table, chairs, and dresser that morning from his grandparents who are moving out of their house. It irritated me because here we are getting closer and closer (or so I thought) to getting back together but he is still talking about moving out on his own. It just bothered me and he could tell (I did not say anything at first but he has always been able to read me and picked up on the fact that something was wrong) and asked me why I was upset. I just explained that I was confused by what is going on because I think things are going well and I don't understand why he would move out on his own when it seems like we should be thinking about finding a way to move in together again. He was not surprised that I was thinking that but at the same time did not really seem like he wanted to commit to making a plan or even admitting the need for a plan. Which frustrated me further. We ended up talking about things a little bit more and he listened to what I had to say but did not add much of his own thoughts or feelings to the conversation. Anyways eventually we dropped it.
We got some dinner and then came back to the house and he showed me something on my computer and we watched part of a movie but stopped halfway because he was sleeping pretty much the whole time. Nothing too exciting.
He did wake up long enough to ML and then I asked if he would stay with me for awhile and he did. A little more relationship talk and when I was asking when he would know if we could work this out, he said "that is what wednesday is for." Meaning our counseling session where we are supposed to give our lists.
Sigh.
I am just feeling a little down today. I thought we were really close to piecing, and maybe we still are, but it feels like some of our progress was not as big as I had thought at first. Because he still seems confused and unsure of everything. Which is fine, I guess. I told him that I did not want him to rush into a decision because I didn't want him to have any regrets later on. And it's true. If he wants to have a marriage with me again then it is going to have to be forever. I won't end up in this situation again. It's too hard. So I guess it is good that he is taking time and really thinking it over but I'm so impatient. Right now I am happy and just want to be together all the time again. Well not all the time but you know what I mean.
I don't know. I'm having a hard time sorting this all out in my head. Hopefully Wednesday will be a good day to get some more of this nailed down. Now I just have to wait. My favorite!
Oh your poor thing in some ways, but you lucky girl in others. Seems that every time you meet up you ML! Also, he sticks around afterwards, and doesn't just rush out. This is a really good sign.
Also, he is still really open about the counseling, and has not in any way said that he doesn't want to work it out. It sounds like he is just being cautious, and like every other WAS referred to on this board, doesn't want to give false hope until absolutely 100% sure. This doesn't mean he's not 99% sure already though.
I think your sitch seems like one of the most positive ones here. I know waiting is so frustrating, but you only have 2 days to wait. Between now and then can you maybe think of some things to do to make yourself as happy as possible? You really want to go to that session calm and grounded, and ready to face anything. No matter what, even if it's all positive, there will probably still be some difficult emotions to deal with, so take this time now to regroup if you can.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I know I am really blessed to be this far ahead after only a couple of months. I try to remember than always. I hope I do not come across as whining.
I did have plans to hang out with a friend later today but that just fell through so I will find something else to do. Tomorrow I am getting together with a different friend and have some errands to run. I will keep occupied as much as possible.
Thanks for reminding me that he still has not said anything about it not working out. That's true. I just keep losing sight of that. It is hard to not feel negative sometimes when he is not ready to jump back into life with me again. But I just need to wait!
He is coming over as soon as he wakes up on Wednesday even though our session is not until 3. It is the first time we will ride together to and from the session so that could be interesting. Then afterwards he will stay with me. I asked him if he would go to church with me that night for Bible study (because we used to go together all the time but now that he lives far away he doesn't go anymore) and he said as long as he does not have to work that evening he would go with me. So that is also huge. I hope he comes with me. That would be really nice.
So there are a lot of good things there too. Especially coming to my house first thing when he gets up when he doesn't have to come until 3. Kind of the same thing yesterday. He could have cancelled, I gave him the option, since it was so late and he was tired but he wanted to come anyways.
I think I just feel a little stalled because things went from bad to really good so fast that I got used to rapid progress and now that we are slowing things down a little I am panicing a little.
Thanks for remind me that there is no need to panic. I just need to be patient!
Your situation is going great even though you didn't like his thoughts on getting his own place. At least he is still spending time with you and most importantly going to MC...I wish my H would agree to that. It is also good that you guys are able to have M/R talk without him running the other way.
There is definatly no need to panic and patience will definatly help you out right now!!
It's funny how time and space changes things. I'm not nearly as bent out of shape now as I was earlier. Things are going well. We texted a little bit today and it was positive. I think that I just get nervous about this house issue because I just want this separation to be over with and if he gets his own place with his friends I just feel like there would not be room for a reconciliation. Or at least not one anytime soon. I guess if he needs to move out then that is what he will do, I just hope he moves out with me and not with his friends. I think I am afraid that if he moves in with his friends he will not want me back at all.
I'm not really a fan of his friends in the first place because they are all a bunch of single guys who like to play video games and drink (quality, eh?) and I do not like the influence they have on my husband. He is a bit of a chameleon when it comes to social situations. He did not have a lot of self-esteem or acceptance as a child and now he kinda does things he would not normally do to gain acceptance from others which I can understand but I just wish he would seek out approval from people with some moral fiber who are married or at least in commited relationships that could help him along not make it easier for him to run away. His family is the same way. His parents hate me (and I'm not a fan in return) and I'm sure they don't care that we are separated. His extended family doesn't really know me and I'm sure they have opinions that are colored by his parents.
My counselor actually asked in our one on one session together if my hubby was a project for me. Like if I had rescue mentality when we got together. It was really the first time I had ever thought of it that way but I think in a lot of ways it is true. I see him for who he really is and who he could become and that is the man I love. However I think it is dangerous because when he does not act the way I know he could or when he does not live up to my fairy tale expectations I get very angry. I have been trying, little by little, to accept him as is and stop trying to change him but it is so hard when I see him acting the way he has in the past.
Right now he does not seem to be doing the same things he was doing in the past. He still hangs out with the same people but from what he tells me it is not all about drinking anymore and he does stay up late but not out at a bar or something. I think a huge part of the reason he was doing that right before I left was because he did not want to be at home which makes sense. It was a hostile environment and he is afraid of confrontation.
Sorry if I am rambling. I have been working on my counseling list and thinking over a lot of issues we have/had. It has got me thinking about things and trying to evaluate the things that I need to change in order for this relationship to work out. So much of the time we focus on what our spouses need and what they want and what we have to do next to make them happy but now I have been challenged to sit down and write out everything I need and the things that I want from a marriage relationship. I guess it is just bringing some questions to mind.
You are not rambling Daisy....let it out. Wow H are very similiar auch as the chameleon and having to fit in with friends....we went thtough a really good patch when his friends were all older guys in R/M but just recently when his job re-located him to another store and he started hanging out with younger single guys his whole attitude changed. That's the thing i hate too about him having his own place because now he is in these young kids eyes "the cool guy with his own place", even though I personally think that it's sad that a almost 29 y/o is hanging with 21/22 y/os. But don't worry I won't say that to him.
Hopefully your H will make the right choice and even if he does move in with other guys he will realize how gross it is to live with a bunch of guys and beg you to find a place with him!!
