Take care of you first RH. Don't totally ignore your H though. If he initiates a conversation regarding your R you can listen and validate unless it gets deliberately hurtful. Don't contribute to the subject though. Walk away when it starts to cause too much pain. Now is the critical time in your M - if you break down in front of your H he will see the weakness and could use that as more reasoning in his own mind as to why he wants to get away.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
When you say not to contribute to the conversation, I have noticed that every thing he has to say is asking how I feel about a certain subject. Do I not answer a question he has for me if it pertains to the D or R. How do I handle that if he does ask for my opinion?
By all means, if you are cooking dinner for yourself, cook it for him too. Just don't make a production out of it and don't expect any thankfulness from him. A simple, "I made dinner. If you would like some it is on the stove." Nothing else.
If the question is about how you feel about the concept of world peace, then answer. That could lead to an interesting discussion. If the question is about how you feel about your M or the D he wants so badly, then the answer is, "Now is not the time to discuss that." or "I am not prepared to answer that right now."
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I cant wait till DR comes in and I will be more equipped to figure this out on my own. In the mean time I appreciate the Great advise Mishka (love the name). I just checked the mail and saw that he has some loan papers that have come in from our bank. Apparently he is taking out a loan to "pay me off". I also found some unusuall charges on his Amex...(hotel and bar fees)from when I was out of the country. Up till now I knew it was a possibility that he was cheating but never reallly believed he was, but slowly Im seeing that would make so much since. So I have no idea where you are in your stuggles, do you mind briefly filling me in. I am at school now but will be home in a few hours. Thanks again for being there.
Darlin, my sitch is not really going to help you see any positives in yours. Mine is over (except for the legalities). In a nutshell H dropped the bomb on me in early Dec 07, I found out about OW 24DEC & 25DEC and he walked out and moved in with OW 26DEC. He's moved home twice since then but not to really work on the M, only to try to assuage his own guilt. The D will be final soon. The end.
An A doesn't have to mean the end unless you want it to. If you can't forgive it will eat you alive. Don't assume it's an affair based on Amex bills. Don't ASS-U-ME anything!
I'm not too good on the advice today. In a bit of a dark place myself but all I can say is maintain hope until you see none left. When you have none left, make some.
You're very young and there is so much ahead of you. Don't forget that. You are the most important person in this equation. What you do now to GAL and make your own happiness outside of your M will help you grow and just might draw your H back toward you.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Well last night did not go over well at all. He came home and immdediatly got down to business, I tried to say that it wasnt a good time, I was studying for an exam but he said there never is a good time and he was tired of me running from a hard conversation. He proceeded to say this D was going to happen, there is no need in wasting time. He wanted to discuss finances and I tried my best to just listen. HE got angry beacuse I wasnt having any input and left to get something to eat(after I told him spaghetti ws on the stove). WHen he got home I was in our bed and so he went to the other room to sleep. I broke and went in to say something, even though I know I shouldnt have. He said he dosnt need to be married and will wake up tomorrow feeling just as selfish as he did then. HE dosnt want to worry about anything but himself, he has felt this was for over a year and is finally standing up for what he wants. There is no one that can tell him otherwise and no he is not cray but just the oppisite, he is living his life for him now and noone else. He says he feels closer to his enemies than he does me. Im cold, I have no opinions (trying to keep my mouth shut) and he is tired of being married to someone that he cant be himself with. He isnt going to fool me and say he wont date but he swore he'd never marry again because he dosnt need a wife and family. I dont know what to do, or if I should even go home. Im afraid the more he sees me the more he is going to hate me. I dont know what to say to him, small talk didnt get us far last night. Where do I go from here???
Hey RH sorry I haven't been around much, but it was a rough weekend on the homefront.
The reaction your H is having right now, unfortunately, is very typical. He wants to be in control of everything because he feels so out of control. Just remember this, you cannot control him, but you do not have to let him control you either.
I want you to remember many WAS's have filed for D, and have shelved it. Right now, your H is feeling so many different emotions he does not know which way to turn.
Listen to him, validate his feelings. Remember the two magical words "I understand." Nothing else.
You are not cold, but right now he is looking for any way to appease his own guilt. Keep calm, and do not panic. He is going to go away for a little while, to sulk and try to determine his life. But if you play your cards the way that DR tells you to, it is entirely possible he will come back.
Remember this, the relationship you had with your H is over. It is not a matter of getting that back. It is a matter of creating a new R that will be stronger and better than before.
(((RH))) I know this is going to be hard. Keep the faith.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
RH, I also want to suggest you maybe post on the newcomers board, you will get more response there. Those are all people who are in the same timeframe that you are in, and we folks who have been around a while tend to visit to try and lend a helping hand for those who are in the early stages. Hope you are having a little bit of a better day.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Well it is coming down to the last week befor I officially move out. I know he is cheating on me even though he wont admit it. It is so obvious. But what does it matter right. I start this weekend looking for a place to live and started packing last night. He came home and acted like it was just another day in paradise. Said the paper work would be ready today for me to review and he would have my money this afternoon. He also asked if i wanted to do counseling once I moved out. I know its so that he can tell everyone he tried. It seems like such a waste of time and I regret that I told him that but followed that stupid comment with I would love to. He says its for me not for us and he probably wont follow through with it so how do I hold him accountable without seeming to hopeful or desperate,especially after I some what blew off the idea (stupid stupid stupid). I really hate how I responded it just ticked me off knowing he wasnt wanting to do it for the reason I had hoped. He isnt coming home until late nights. Last night was the first time he had been home before 12 since I moved back in on Monday and then he left and I dont know when he came home for good. He is so curt and Im starting ot get really mad. How could you!!!! Cheat on a wife that has done nothing and lie straight to my face over and over even though we both know it. He is being so secretive changing all the passwords to his accts and sleeping with his cell phone in bed with him. My book comes in today and I cant wait to see if holds the key to my recovery. Any advise from anyone would be helpful.
