Yes, I know about that fantasy of sending "the letter". I have imagined myself doing it since before I was divorced. The letter that I finally wrote was everything that I had felt from the day of the bomb. The thing is that I know in my heart that he still doesn't get it. If I'm honest, I was making it too much about how what he did made me feel, but the real reason that I'm angry now isn't about what he did to me, but about how he continues to treat our children. All 3 of them are in a great deal of pain because of his actions. The oldest and youngest are more vocal (guess which one of us they take after), so they get it out. My middle one is having a really rough time with it and it hurts to see her this way. I do know that he knows, but it's easier for him to make excuses and turns it back on them. This was not just a man that the kids called Dad. He was the BEST father I could have hoped for my children. I can't even imagine what it must be like to no longer have his kids in his life.
I do know, and I have to keep reminding myself, that he is a coward. It's easier for him to avoid what he's done to them than to face the kind of truth that he would be faced with. At some point I have to turn this relationship with their Dad over to them and now is the time. My job is to keep working to make our relationship as strong as it can possibly be. My goal has always been for my kids (especially my girls) to know that I am strong and that I will be OK.
If I were driving home I would look you all up in a heartbeat, but I am flying. Driving takes way too long. My cousin lives in Hartford. If I ever go into visit her I will let you all know.
The thing is that I know in my heart that he still doesn't get it "quote"
And they probably never will Beth. Glad you wrote the letter and got things off your chest. I really need to do that. I am just afraid I might actually send it .
Last edited by shoeprincess; 09/01/0805:15 PM.
found out about affair 8/06 H moves out Nov/06 D final 8/07 X re marries OW 5/08 _________________________ Courage does not always roar, sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying... " I will try again tomorrow". -- Mary Anne Radmacher
the real reason that I'm angry now isn't about what he did to me, but about how he continues to treat our children.
I believe that how he treats your kids is one reason, but I also believe there is some anger over what he did to you Bethie. That is not unreasonable you know. Reality is you/we all have reason to be angry or hurt by that.
I know anger over the children is real, you know that I am currently living that to an extreme. However I also couldn't write that letter right now because I am also still angry with her. Reality is until we get that talk/email/phone call from them with a reasonable apology and admission of their mistakes, there is going to be some anger simply because we feel we at the very least deserve the apology.
My point in all of this is that I understand what you are saying, but I also want to make sure that you know that it is okay for you to still be upset and hurt by what he did to you. One of the things that troubles me with people is that they sometimes forget that they have a right to be hurt. It doesn't affect your day to day or how you live your life, it just simply is hurt that you carry with you because of the complete and utter lack of closure. Do you understand what I mean?
Anyway, reality is that your H and my W are like two peas in a pod when it comes to their children. My W also used to be what I considered the best mother that I could ask for. It is very hard to watch someone whom you admired for that ability to now seemingly have lost all concept of parental responsibility. I think for people like you and me it is a driving force for us to be great parents to our children and try as best as we can to compensate for the lack of two solid parents. Very sad that it took that happening to our children, and all we can do is our best for them to soften the blow.
Keep taking care of yourself and being that wonderful mother Bethie.....
Hey girl. Good job writing the letter and then keeping it with the person who would understand it: you. Because he'll never hear what you *really* have to say.
I have never written a letter to H specifically, but journaled for about 6 months, starting from the day of the bomb on...I suppose those are letters in some form.
Wonder if H has ever read my journal? I know he snoops from time to time.
Hi there, well good thing you wrote that letter and good thing you did not send it. So good all around. You know what Beth, he does not deserve that honesty from you. And he would definitely use it against you. It's all business until he choses otherwise.
Hey do you mind if I vent for a moment? I have had contact with my x lately about business. A check was sent to me wrapped in a news story of a bunny rabbit that saved a family. This was not neutral general interest stuff. He got me a bunny rabbit for a second wedding anniversary gift and we loved that pet for 7 years.
Some of these people live on another planet and they just do not know what they did! They have no empathy and that's the way it is. How we didn't see it is a mystery. I read in some book recently that people do not change, they just reveal who they are over time. Oh well, now we know what we know so far. Cheers, Wonder
(((HUGS))) Bethie, I think its great that you wrote the letter. and yes, I understand about h's not getting it...even though mine eventually did, I will always remember when he didn't.
so are you still here, or are you back? it is GORGEOUS in new england right now, that's for sure...hope you are here enjoying it. and yep, totally hear you on the landlocked thing. the year I spent in st. louis after college was hard as hell. but the ocean is here for you anytime. maybe sometime when you are back we can meet up!
take care of you
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
i sent the letters i wrote who cares if he gets it
i sent them for me i knew he was too dumb to get it but I wasn't and i sent them not expecting him to get it i had come to terms with what a short bus rider he really is
and you bet I am angry i am angry that people that inconsiderate get to breathe my air
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