Help me Act AS IF, Part 7: The Separation

[newnamenewlife]

Ugh. I just got home with the girls from a 9 day vacation. H was at my house with his sister, who's in town. They came to get the girls but arrived before we did.

Then H and his sister took the girls out to lunch--of course they didn't invite me, and I wouldn't have wanted to go, but the whole exchange has left me feeling horrible and sad and wounded again. The girls were thrilled to see H and they all hugged and kissed. Of course all H & I did was exchange a formal hello.

Then the girls were chatting with H, and no one said goodbye to me when they left to have lunch.

I feel like crying. I don't know how to get over the fundamental truth that H doesn't love me and is happier without me. I don't want as much contact with him as I still have, but I see no way around it. I feel like telling him he has to either get serious with me about working on our M, or move to a diffferent state. Of course, I can't do that and I wouldn't want to deprive the girls of their dad, but for me, it is painful to have to see him and talk with him as much as I have to.

The way we've figured out the girls' schedule with school drop offs and pick ups means I am going to have to see him almost DAILY. I simply can't stand it--why must I be forced now into this situation? I don't want to live like this but I HAVE to for the sake of my kids. It makes me just that much angrier at H for not only leaving me, but then essentially forcing me to have to see and talk with him constantly.

How can I set boundaries for myself without making my kids have to pay? It was OK for H to move out (according to him), but it would of course not be OK for me to tell him I don't want to see him all the time.

I know that I SHOULD be detaching and that that's the way to go--but I can't HELP the way I feel when I speak or see H. I act as if it's all OK, but I am on the brink of tears the minute he leaves or we hang up the phone.

It feels like a waking nightmare to have to live this way.