I was unfaithful

[SirPrizeMe]

To do the reply thing, I don't use the quick-reply block at the bottom of the page. I click on the "Reply" button in the post, and it brings me to a place where I can do all the fancy quoting etc. but really I have no problem reading your posts, so no big deal.

HAVING SAID THAT THERE IS SOMETHING TERRIBLY WRONG WHEN ONE OF YOU LOOKS OUTSIDE THE MARRIAGE. Choosing to have an affair is one selfish way of expressing it - bit like suicide I guess. You are wanting attention but you choose a negative way of getting it.

Absolutely, and i took it as a wake up call. Ok, what do WE do about this? I wanted couples therapy, I wanted HOMEWORK - stuff I could work on specifically. I read all the books that said "an affair is a symptom" etc etc. I wanted to treat the disease.

Then you get caught and I can tell you that I wanted so much to just never see my H again. I had no feelings for him . He was so devastated though I did not want him hurting himself so I toughed it out and it was tough. He wanted to be married I did not but he also wanted gory details and explanations and I could not be bothered giving them. But knew I had to.

Yes, I went through this. WE went through this. She had no feelings for me whatever. Wanted to be away from me. I wanted details. Just like your situation, except she refused to provide the details. It hurt too much I guess. She'd promise that we could talk about it, but they she never would. She would say stuff like "it just happened", as if she wasn't really an active participant. Like it was a storm that just rolled in and she just sat and watched the wind blow. This part was really frustrating to me. I asked her "who dialed the phone? Who made the hotel reservations? did those just happen?"

In retrospect I can see that this kind of discussion pushed her guilt buttons. At the time I felt she was just refusing to accept responsibility for her own actions. Even now I feel she blames me for her affair. One of the last times we spoke about it (months ago) she told me it was 100% my fault, this divorce and mess was all my fault. I had to stop and clarify - are you saying you had no part in it at all? Yes, that's right, she said. ???? I stopped the conversation right there. I had been asking her to go back to therapy, and she refused. Then she filed for divorce. And somehow she blamed me. If I made mistakes I was willing to confront them and to improve. But she just flatly refused any of that. It was bizarre to me. Surreal. I didn't see the point in continuing the conversation. It was clear we were coming at it from two totally different places.

Later I sort of chalked it up to justification. She didn't want therapy, she didn't want to work on the marriage because she'd have to confront her own role in the demise of it. Too painful.

So where your wife is concerned she has to learn that or her next relationship must go that way. Better that your around i think for her to see what she has given up.

I don't know. . . She may never have another adult relationship. Her mom divorced when she was 6, never had a real long-term relationship after that. Still hangs out in bars (her mom is 63?), still picks up men. The relationship betwen my wife and her own mom has never really been healthy or balanced. My wife essentially had to parent her mother, since the time my wife was about 13, when her mom started drinking. And that never changed. Her mom has not been an adult, has been financially and emotionally dependent on her own kids, for 30+ years. So far my wife's course looks to parallel her own mother's. I don't know if she sees this.

he just made a dig about a new dress I was wearing. Makes me angry. I actually got dressed nicely to look good for him. I do have my own business and I work really hard.

Sounds like a grade-school thing - you know when a young boy doesn't know how to give positive attention to a girl, out of fear or insecurity, instead he'll insult her or make a wise comment.

I guess you have to find ways to let that stuff slide off your back. I'll bet your dress worked - I'll bet he did notice - he and a bunch of other men. People notice when you care about yourself and look good, so you just keep on doing it and ignore what he says for now.

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You asked how I am feeling. I am feeling stable. A little tentative about the long road ahead. I feel a bit unprepared, but determined anyway, to look for and follow the right path. I feel lonely, often.

how about you?