So, to me it sounds like you know that your wife has been up to some stuff lately that she shouldn't have. You've established that, do you really need to know anymore? It sounds to me like snooping is doing you more harm than good? It really doesn't help your focus.
The old me doesn't want to let go and has trouble accepting what she is up to based on the evidence I have. No, it doesn't necessarily help my focus. I suppose there is part of me that hopes with conclusive evidence, W would be honest and we could have an honest talk with one another.
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Saying that I wanted to ask you a little more about what your focus is at this point, as it seems a little unclear from your post. Focus is as important as without that we flounder. Focus can change, it doesn't have to be fixed and, as you have said, you have gone through a transformation process too. If the thought of your wife's (potential) activities are too much for you to bear and you feel that you can't carry on with trying to save your marriage then of course we will all support you. However, if you still want to carry on down the path you have chosen then you are going to have to put these concerns aside for a little while, and believe me I know how hard it is! This is kind of what you said to me the other day
I hurt so much, I'm sobbing all the dammed time. My focus is surviving, just surviving and not ruining my life. It isn't that any new evidence substantially changes what I've known for a while. What has changed is me. I'm having my MLC too. Like I've said, W is the only woman I've ever anything. She's the only one I ever dated, my only girlfriend, my only lover. For multiple reasons, I made peace as best I could with having only this relationship and all that goes along with that. That peace isn't surviving her behavior. Or to put it another way, when she was here with me, we had a pretty miserable R, but, I got something out of it and I could look at the little on my plate and be thankful for it. Now, my plate is empty and my burden has increased and it's at that point when the revolution comes.
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What would it achieve if she were to admit what she was doing? What would you expect to happen from your point of view if this happened? Do you think it would ease your mind anymore? Do you think it would stop you snooping? What resolution would you get from this information?
I have the affliction of the intelligent, I seem to believe that more information is always good and that given enough information and effort, anything can be accomplished. I suppose that I hope that if she were to be honest and we could have an honest conversation, then I could better decide if there is any possibility of us having a R again and if not, it would make deciding to move on easier.
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And I think you are already doing a pretty amazing job of showing her how strong and independent you are and what a great dad you are. I am sure she is fully aware of what she is missing out on and how shallow her choice of path is at the moment. She is just not ready to accept it yet. It is something that is very hard to do.
I appreciate the cudos, I don't think I'm doing an amazing job. I think I'm doing a piss poor job because the job is bigger than me. I could do this if she was being faithful. Seriously, if I wasn't diverting a huge part of my energy to dealing with her ripping my heart out of my chest, I would have the energy to be a great Dad and manage things around the house etc.
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You need to make it safe for her to return instead of acting like a disapproving parent. She reacted that way to you when you said about the drink driving. I know you said it because you care and I don't underestimate your concern, you just have to show it as her peer, not as her parent. It sounds to me as if she has some things she needs to get out of her system. I'm not saying they are right, or even responsible but she is a grown woman.
That's some pretty good advice there. Trouble is, I don't know if I can do that right now.
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I can't compete with a man who has no kids and has plenty of disposable income to lavish on her.
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You don't need to compete. You have her children, you have her family and that is far stronger than any superficial fling, or whatever. There is no competition really and what you view as baggage she sees as her family.
I don't know about that. She sees her family as baggage. W went out with a friend a year or so ago, and our friend Liz told me before that the way W spoke about the kids, it was as if she woke up one day and had a husband and 3 kids and feels like she's missed out on life. Perhaps it is just part of the MLC. I've had more than one person say to me that if W thinks that I'm such a bad Dad, how is it that she can abandon them and leave them in my care. In fact, other mothers can't comprehend at all how she can do what she has and just walk away from the kids. I think that she has moments of missing the kids and most of the time, she is more happy with the single life she is leading.
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The 180 will be when the kids are happy as clams to have Dad in the house for a week and when we switch off, the house is clean
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This to me would be a haven to her. When you have this, maybe you could invite her round for a DVD with you and the kids. After all, she reached out to you and included you in her family day.
See, that's it. I don't have the strength and energy to build this kind of life for the kids and me right now. I'm bleeding too much of me into the situation with W.
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and Dad has stories to tell of his adventures during the off weeks and yes, it will be to rub her face in it.
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Really? Is this the new you? Sounds like a pretty bitter, revengeful you to me. Not the strong, independent man who doesn't need to prove anything to anyone because he is a great man and a great father...
OK, I can see the bitterness in this and you are probably right and it flows out of my desire for her and the irrational hope that if she saw me valued and wanted, she would cast aside the mental image she carries of me and would want me again.
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I think that the resolution is going to be to file for D from my W and continue working on me and continue to be open to a new R with her, but, probably not until I've had a chance to be without her.
Why does filing for divorce have to feature in this? Sounds pretty much like that old revenge need is rearing his ugly head. Is that truly what you want? And don't you think it will stir things up and exacerbate a situation that just needs to cool for a while? It's up to you my friend, just my thoughts.
NO! I DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE. I WANT MY WIFE TO STOP BEHAVING BADLY AND WORK ON THIS MARRIAGE. If she were faithful, I would find a way to continue under this burden. Hope would sustain me.
Julia, I'm not strong enough to hold the pain inside anymore.
Look, I write stuff that sounds right and then 5 minutes later doesn't. I'm worn out and tired and angry and lonely and feeling unloved and I feel like I'm powerless, caught between my honor and my responsibilities; like I'm a shadow's width away from being a dirty faced war refuge with the thousand mile stare.
I know it was only a few weeks ago that I was gungho on DBing and hopeful that things could work out. Now, I don't know, I just don't know how much I can take. I'll see my counselor on Wednesday and maybe that will help.
