I'm back after a long absence

[No Longer BH]

123, first sorry to see that others have not been posting to your thread. Thank you for continuing to post your sitch. I just wanted to give you my 0.02 worth if it is ok.

First, I have been told that after the A ends, the WAS will spiral into a depression. They miss the OP, they are in withdrawl and each time they contact the OP....any kind of contact, the whole process starts over again. THis is why it is SO important that your H does NC if he truly is going to R with you. As far as him not having some of those wonderful deep feelings of connection, well duh! He is still mourning the loss of his other realtionship. He cant open his heart up to you completely until she is totally out of it. I have heard it takes around six months to a year after NC with OP for the heart to completely heal. My advise is to tell him you understand that he is hurting and that this is just a process and you both will make it as long as you are in it for the long haul.

Now, I also want to address his depression. My H left me the first time for a few weeks. When he came back he said that he knew he was still lost but learned that he did not need to leave his family in order to find himself. My H was very depressed and finally gave into taking medication. At the time this was going on our MC had us make a list of ways to reconnect and what we thought our needs were. H did not make a list and did not make an effort to do anything on mine. The hurt and ager kept building. Where was the guy who wanted to be in this relationship? Why wasnt he trying? I then became depressed as well, not to mention very needy. After two months of this, his D got worse and worse and he left again in March. Has not come home yet. Is just now starting to show signs of D lifting. Here is my point. While he is depressed, they ONLY thing he should be focusing on is HIM. He does not have the strength to fix himself right now, so how can he work at fixing your R? ANy attempt to help fix the two of you will just drain him and it will not help the R. Put your desires to have that happy M away for now and focus on just working to help your H get happy. Please try to step away from his sitch as much as possible. This is NOT about you, so try not to let it bring you down. From the tone of your post it feels as if you might be sliding into that dark place too. LIke I said, I know what it is like. I hate to see you come this far just to loose it because he was put under too much pressure.

In conversations with H since he left, the thing he has said over and over again is that he just cant take the pressure of "us" anymore. He was suffercated by me and my need to work on the R at a time when he already was drowning. At the time it was happening, I didnt get it. I thought he just did not really want to put the effort in to fixing us. Now I see he did not have the ability to work on any of it. SO, as much as it sucks right now, I would put working on your M to the side until he is strong enough to actually do it. I know you are hurting and angry and prob scared, but look at how long you have already had to wait to deal with these emotions with him, a little longer and they can all come out. Please, please, please whatever you do, do NOT let his mood bring you down. Be there for him when he needs someone to listen and hold him, but still GAL and stay happy....for your sake and his. Again, this is just my opinion because I am seeing some of the same mistakes happen that I made and hate for him to walk out again. Take care.