It has been a weird couple days. I was right about being skeptical. Tuesday night we start exchanging texts that got pretty intense. Weds I went over to work and we ended up in bed together. I then went to IC and when I got back W was kind of distant. OM showed up at the house while I was there. W said she knew I was pissed and blew me a kiss before I left.
The next few days were cordial. Yesterday was my birthday and my W forgot about it. She did not have D11 call. Found out when I was going to a accident that she was at OM's house. Being able to drive fast does help alot.
She sent me a text later asking if it was ok for SD16 to text me about a car. I said it was not a good time. I then said I agree we do need to talk. She then asked what was up. I told her that I needed some space right now. She texted back OK!!!!.
I did fall off the wagon later and told her that I was in a bad mood earlier and that I was better and I loved her and the girls.
Today I asked her about doing a civil standby for SIL which was set up a few days ago. She said that she postponed it. I said ok and have SD 16 text me about the car. Nothing to much.
Later they both sent texts for a happy late b-day. W said she was sorry. I was in a bad service area and said I would talk to her later. The rest of the night got interesting.
Last edited by yenko69; 09/01/0803:36 AM.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
When I talked to W tonight it was different. She asked me what I wanted to talk to her about and I said you wanted to talk so go ahead.
She asked me what I wanted. It went for a little bit but I told her I did not want much just some tools and few other things.
We talked for a little while about that and then got into a little more R talk. I said that I have tried to see things through her eyes and that I understood if she thought there was to big a gap to get across. I told her that my perspective was that I wanted to fight for our marriage and that I would take a leap of faith even through all the negative emotions. The pain, anger, hurt, fear and some jealousy. She went off saying that I was never jealous before and why should I care now. That I never cared before so why should I now. I agreed because I was emotionally disconnected from myself and fell into a bad depression. I told her I was learning to connect with my feelings again. Then I said that I could not do it alone.
I do understand her POV, but it still sucks. She said she still was to hurt and angry for all that happened. I do regret not being there for her when I should have been. That she was sorry that she had given me false hopes the other day. That she did not want to hurt me because I am such a good person. She wants happiness but cannot have it with me. I told her that I want her to be happy and to find herself, just to do it without regrets. That I would take everything at face value and she started crying.
She did go off about everyone pressuring her that she is doing the wrong thing. She should not be seeing someone else while she is married. I deserved someone better and she was the one who f-d my life up.
She said that she wanted to move on with her life and needed to file. She said that she did not have the money to retain a lawyer. She was tired of hurting, the pain and feeling alone all the time.
She then went into crying about finances, insurance and how was she going to make it. I did agree that it was a mess right now. That she could live in the house until it was sold. That we should split our accounts and set up a budget. I told her I could not leave her or the girls out in the cold. She said she regretted going to school and opening a business that we would have less debt. I told her it was a mutual decision.
I told her that I did not expect much from her, just that she respect my feelings. I told her that I was willing to help with the bills, but needed to move the cell phone to her name and the house phone to her name. I told her that I did not agree with seeing someone else and I would not pay for it. She went ballistic after that.
She told me that I was trying to control her life. I was not different then any other man and she was tired of being pushed around by men. She said that she did not have the credit to switch the cell phone or the house phone. That she would move out in thirty days. She then throw the cell phone at the door. Saying that I did not want her to have any contact with the outside world. I told her I was leaving and went to tell D11 goodbye. She said that she would not allow me to see her kids again. I asked her who she was really hurting me or D11. D11 came out and started screaming at W about her trying to take away the only dad she ever knew. That W should not try and take me away from her and on and on. D11 then left to go to her grandmas.
W was still pissed and going on about this and that. Threw her cellphone again and asked what I wanted. All she wanted was the girls stuff and her clothes and nothing else. On and on about stuff.
Then it went back to me controlling her life. I told her that she is free to do what she wants, she just has to live with it. SD16 then showed up mad at her mom. SD16 said that she should not have had an argument in front of D11 and that D11 was at their grandmas crying because her mom would not let her see me anymore. SD 16 said it was messed up to take D11 away from me since it was the only dad she had ever known and that she was going to stay the night at her aunts. W told SD 16 to give me her cellphone and I told her to keep it right now.
She then started crying uncontrollably. She did not want me to touch her ect. I did cry a little because of my part in this whole mess. She asked me what I was crying about because I would be better off.
I went down and got D11 from MIL and brought her back. We talked a bit. W told D11 she would not keep her from me and she only said that to hurt me, not D11. She said she would not keep D11 from me.
D11 left the room and W started crying some more. I told her I was going and to take of herself because I still worried about her. When I left the room W started crying harder and D11 went in to comfort her.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
The affair does not need to be brought out. W seems to have been doing a good job of it herself.
MIL said that she gave up hope on W. That she was pissed at her daughter and disagreed with what she was doing. She said something about what happened to the drunk that lived down the road. It was a pretty direct ref to OM. That was before I had talked with W.
I think it is time to pull back again. I do think I pushed a little to hard after the other night. Live and learn.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
W said that we were getting to comfortable with the way things are. That I was just having false hopes about winning her back. She is not sure if she can still be friends. That I hurt her to much. I asked her if she wanted me to leave and she said it was up to me since it was my house.
I will post the other later when I remember. Had to leave for a bit and don't quite now the road I was going down. I was amazing calm during this whole episode. I just talked in a calm loving and rational voice.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
I'm sorry your daughter had to witness all that, and I'm sorry for all of your pain. It truly does SUKK, I understand.
I think you're seeing the reaction of an addict when you try to take away their drug. To a wayward spouse, their cellphone is their #1 tool to connect them to the object of their addiction -- the OM/OW. For you to not pay for it -- while entirely right -- sets her off. But you did the right thing.
Am I to understand that you two had sex this past week? I can see where that would have messed with your emotions, and it's why I don't recommend it (anti-DB, but I'm sorry). And if you DO, I would CERTAINLY strongly advise that you use protection, as you have no idea what OM's sexual/health history is.
You handled yourself pretty well. Sounds like you remained calm, and for the MOST part didn't "rescue" her from her pain. You did a couple of times, but SO much better than before. Good job!
I would encourage you to continue to do what's best for your daughters, and for you right now. Placating your wife didn't work anyway (she still ended up vile and full of anger toward you, and even her own child). In every situation that presents itself, strive instead to simply DO THE RIGHT THING.
Today will be a key day. She's going to see if you try to rescue her or pursue her in any way, since she is in pain. Resist the temptation. Never shelter an adulterer from the consequences of their infidelity, no matter how hard it is. Focus instead on your kids.
It does really suck and hurt right now. Just have to get through it. I do hate the fact that D11 was there and she went off like that. She pretty much broke down after SD16 came in and told her how much she had hurt D11.
I did not get to the part about having the OM over to the house. That should be another episode. Some other day, I don't think I have the strength to do it at the moment. Soon though.
She did pretty much leave me hanging in the wind the other day. So much for missing me blah blah blah. I agree to stay out of bed with her or anything else for that matter.
For me, there is no temptation to rescue her or pursue her any more. I just feel like letting go and moving on. I really don't need or deserve this kind of bs from her or anyone else. I did detach really well awhile back, but I allowed myself to get back into it. I need to refocus back on myself and D11.
It is painful to let go, maybe she will come back maybe she won't. If she ever does come around it may be to late anyway. So I may as well plan my future without her in it.
Why does it seem that I am just giving up. Not a good feeling because it is not the kind of person I am. I really don't like this self-pity crap either.
I don't get why she feels so lonely. I thought that was what the OM did was fill in the gaps that were missing. Not my problem so I guess it should not matter.
I have read in your posts about a script that this goes down. Still reading through the whole mess you were in. What can I expect next?
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
I'd have to go back and read your entire sitch again, paying particular note to who hold what "cards", power- and legal-wise, but basically I think what you can expect from her next is WILD mood swings toward you and the kids. Toward the kids, she will go from what you saw last night and totally ignoring them, to what I call "St. Mrs. Yenko" mode, complete with a fake syrupy-sweet voice.
Toward YOU you can expect wild swings as well. As you stand up to her, you will at first get her venom spewing, but then you may see her be nice as hell, as recently as a day after. Sometimes they'll stew for a few weeks, but as you stand up to her, and then successfully detach, she WILL make some moves toward you, in all likelihood.
You are NOT giving up, Yenk -- not if you don't want to. You ARE letting go.
It did not take me a to long to get of the pity part and pick myself back up. You are right, I am not giving up just detaching and letting go.
I am going over there in a little while to drop a car off for SD16 and pick up D11. I will just stay upbeat, positive and the confident person that I am.
She sent me a text a little bit ago
W: what time are you planning on bringing the car out M: around one W: Ok, Thanks!
She either wants to be nice now or has other plans. Just got to start letting that stuff go again.
I got to the part in your old thread where your wife decided to completely come back to you. It was very moving.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
Well so much for nice. She was still pissed when I got there. She was being pretty mean and spiteful about things. I was pretty much staying away from her and waiting to get a ride back.
When I went and talked to D11 about staying tonight. She said she did not want to because I was trying to control W's life and not letting her get any money for food. I straightened that out pretty quick. D11 was mad that W was being so mean and wanted me to call someone else to give me a ride home.
I then went outside and saw that a fuel line on the car was leaking. My W asked if I had gotten mad at her and put a hole in the lines just to spite her. I went to leave and she started in about money and bills. I said if she wanted to do it we can do it now.
While doing it she was still being a b@tch. How bad it was for her and how good the finances would be for me. She would not have a phone blah blah. I deflected most of it and lost it for a bit. I told her if she wanted to keep acting that way I was leaving. I jumped in the pit for a couple minutes, realized it and jumped back out.
She to try and blame me for different things, one time on both sides of the same issue. She said that I told her she had to sell her car. Wrong, had to set that straight and a couple other things. She then went into crying for awhile. She asked me what she was supposed to do, I told I did not know. She was mad because she could not afford an attorney to file for a D. I did rescue a couple of times but recognized that to and stopped.
She went to the bathroom and when she came back she said she knew that she was out of line because SD16 was defending me. SD16 and I don't have a good relationship right now. She said she was sorry and calmed all the way down. She was pleasant the rest of the time I was with her.
She still has old preconceptions of how I was before and said that she was used to the way I used to be. I threw her off a couple times by some of the things I said. She did tear up a little and asked why did I have to change now. I told her that I had recognized some of my past mistakes and have been working on changing myself for the better. She did tear up a little and asked why did I have to change now.
She then said that she had to go to the store and wanted to know if I needed anything. I had to get a few groceries so we stopped by on the way. She then dropped me off and said goodbye.
I got to work over in the other town tomorrow and do some work on the house. It is hard to get detached when I had to see her. It was a little painful going to the grocery store with her and the girls. Some memories of better times came creeping in.
A warrior does not give up on what he loves, he finds the love in what he does
I went to leave and she started in about money and bills. I said if she wanted to do it we can do it now.
ERRRNNNNGGGNNGGG!!! -- wrong.
This is where you lost it. This is NOT "dropping the rope."
Better:
"If you want to talk about finances, we'll do that very soon. I'm not going to do it when you're being rude and accusatory, and I need to get to _________ anyway (GAL activity). I'll drop D11 off at 7." (or whatever)
You did pretty good sticking up for yourself during the confrontation, but it's a confrontation that never should have happened. She's going to try to drag you into these multiple times, about finances, mostly, so that she can play the martyr and see if you'll come-a-rescuing.
