I do worry they will be kind of immoral when they grow older and stuff b/c of their dad's example, you know?
I do indeed know, Karen. That why I've lamented that W was at one time so determined, just as was I, to break this cycle of selfish parents and divorce. It makes her shift in character all the more hard to accept, knowing what she professed to me and seemed to want to live by for so many years. It still shocks me.
It would be like Luke Skywalker, in the climatic ending of The Return of the Jedi, were to have decided to turn to the Dark Side. It would be totally mind-blowing and disappointing.
I guess I missed something here but why is that you seem to think everyone still looks at ex as "the annointed one"? Have people said this? Do they know what she's done? I gotta tell you this is rarely the case if people know the truth. For whatever reason, and it could be as simple as people not wanting to get in the middle just in case things should turn around, people sometimes just stand by silently. I always hated this and took it as weakness, but in fairness, they do have their own reasons. You know, I have been amazed when people finally have stepped up and told me that they felt what ex did was wrong. I've been divorced for a year, and had a very long separation, but it wasn't until a month ago that one of ex's friends told me that they never understood or agreed with what he did. I think you might be amazed if you knew what people really thought.
As far as still having down days. Well I think that's pretty normal and still says you're grieving. Nothing wrong with that. It will only make you stronger.
Besides, who cares what THEY think. All your friends here love you and think you're great. Face it,Your wife's a tool!
Thanks, yes, Bethie. It doesn't really matter what THEY think... as long as they don't manage to influence my two sons.
As for W "annointed" image -- it is evident that her family has either been kept in the dark or has turned a blind eye. I expect no quarter from W's maternal side of the family, being divorce-happy fools of the self-deceiving worldly type. And her paternal family, God-fearing folk, must assume I am at fault since W is still the same Godly woman in their eyes. Ignorance is bliss, as they say -- and some people count on it.
And W's friends and co-workers have undoubtedly been fed the same fanciful story that I've been fed -- that W is the victim of a horrible, abusively neglectful husband. I can only gather that is the case indirectly, such as they could all see that the flowers delivered to W at their offices most obviously did not come from W's husband, estranged as he still is, but from a paramour. I am disappointed that people would turn a blind eye to, condone or even support such indiscretion.
And our neighbors have undoubtedly been left to infer for themselves the cause for why I have lived outside of my own home for more than a year now. I have suspected that W has left them to determine that she is the stereotypical victimized wife and I am the unfaithful husband who was caught and forced to leave the household, or worse, abandoned his wife and children.
Think my imagination is getting away from me? I got confirmation a couple of months ago. I don't recall if I've related this story here or not, but it is curious enough to bear repeating. One weekend while W was working and I had custody of the boys, we stopped by the house just to gather some more clothes for them. Both of my S's saw some of the neighborhood kids and decided they wanted to go play with them for a bit. I let them.
Meanwhile I saw and talked to a couple of my neighbors. In particular I spoke to the mother for three of the small children my boys were visiting with. I'll call her "V". Initially we exchanged some chitchat, typical polite introductory conversation while our eyes are focused on the kids playing. Then V asked me point-blank, out-of-the-blue, "So, NCB, are you dating anyone now?" My jaw dropped, and I said, "Pardon?" She restated, "Do you have anyone you're dating now?" She said it without with any discernible malice or cynicism -- more like friendly concern. I replied, "No, nooo, I would never think to date anyone -- I'm still married, at least until W divorces me." V: "You've not been seeing someone else?" Me: "No. Never." V seemed a little bit surprised by my response. "So you're not the one who wanted to separate?" Me:"No. And I am not the one seeking the divorce." V:"Why does W want that -- if you don't mind me asking?" In response I was not forthright, not wishing to slander W to her friends. So I told V I didn't really know. I said, "I guess because she thinks I neglected her and didn't love her anymore. But I am willing to try to work on restoring our relationship, but she refuses -- I just don't know why. She won't talk to me." (Why I still feel I should defend W's honor anymore is beyond me.)
I did not say anything about the OM, but I was sort of wondering if V might already have suspected -- may be she saw something. But V didn't say anything either, so I can assume she didn't know anything on that score.
V commiserated with me on this sad situation. I suspect that V passed this information along to the other neighbors (they have a grapevine alright), to correct the misconceptions about why W and I are breaking up. It was evident from our conversation that W has been allowing people to assume I have been the one who has strayed from the M and the family, and thus allowed herself to be viewed as the stereotypical victimized wife.
When our oldest was in high school he was involved with a troublesome crowd (I called them the 'miscreants'). He had a positive drug test while applying for an internship at his father's place of business. His father is a high level VP in a Fortune 500 company. Ouch. Embarrassing.
I consoled myself that we were facing the problem 'head on' not pushing it to a corner like other parents were. I realized that what other people said was none of my business. That was a hard egg to swallow. However, it allowed me to focus on what was really important, improving communication and being the best I could be. I was told that the better I was, felt as an individual, the better it would be for the children and family.
So I did. And things changed for the better.
It got better not because I worried about what people thought or felt they had to know my side of the story. It improved because of taking care of me and what was most important.. my family.
Was I mortified when my husband of 25 years left within two weeks of stating his misery, promptly filing for divorce and moved to an unknown destination? Was I knocked silly when I heard a rumor that he'd moved a half hour away to live with his girlfriend? This guy who would openly profess his love for me to others days before he scooted? This man who wielded an aurora in perfection in his thoughtful, ethical, intelligent nature where people asked me what I did? May I say, "ooops".
Just like I'm told that my children will know what is real and what isn't, that letting them form their own conclusions is the best way (and all the other ways come back to bit ya in the patookie), it's the same way with acquaintances. AND, there's at least three sides to every story.. mine, his and whoever is listening.
I cannot change their father's actions. I cannot change how he treats them. I can be consistent in caring for them. Kids need both their parents. It's heart wrenching enough that the family is shredded.
I'm convinced that a shift eventually happens and the truth comes out all by itself. I have recently had some interesting phone messages from people from the church that I left months ago because of this whole sordid situation. Could the "church people" have possibly been under the assumption that I was the one who cheated and that is why I no longer attend? Maybe.. And, somehow the truth has been coming out lately without me saying a word. Hmmmm...
I'll say it again, Gypsy. You're an inspiration to us all.
I think you have reached into my disheveled mind and pulled out the thoughts I need to focus on. I was thinking to myself again last night, "Who cares?" Really. What does it matter what other people think? God knows the truth, which is both a pro and a con. I'm not perfect. I'm not guiltless. But He knows what's in my own heart. He knows that the things to which I might have been slandered to family and friends are not true.
Quote:
what other people said was none of my business
I'll take this a step further: What other people say is not in my power to do anything about anyway. If I've learned anything in all this turmoil it is that I cannot control other people, only myself. I have now embraced the Serenity Prayer wholeheartedly and try to focus on those things I can control, namely me.
But quite obviously, I'm still ever learning to get better control of myself. It's still an uphill battle, probably always will be. So while I can let go what others say, it still hurts. There is still some pain. I just need to carry on, do the right thing.
Thanks, Gypsy, I really appreciate your wisdom.
LO, I really do hope the truth wills out in your case. I know that God must be working on that congregation, because their ignorance and blindness has been so egregious. For your sake and for their sake, I pray He can reach them and get them to listen. (You'd think in a Church setting they'd be more likely than not to be open to His thoughts.)
Yes if there is anything that we should have learned is that what others think or say doesn't really affect what is. Besides, I wholeheartedly believe that the truth always comes out eventually. I had a wonderful therapist tell me that people can only pretend that they're something they're not for only so long. If it's not our true self, we fall back into who we really are, if for nothing else then the pretending just wears us down. That's why most of these relationships have a shelf life. They're not based on who these people really are but some fantasy.
You know we can fool anyone and pretend to be anything but in our hearts we know the truth. Bottom line is, if WE like who WE are should be what truly matters!
Since yesterday evening I have been stewing over something else. I didn't want to mention it until I'd had time to sleep and think on it. Get the 2x4's ready, I snooped.
W asked me to come over and watch our S's while she went to see a patient an hour away. It started out to be a simple thing where she would be gone from about 3 to 6 PM, but it dragged out a bit longer -- she didn't get home until after 8 PM. I had planned to take the boys back to my apartment with me to swim in the pool, but it began to rain shortly after W left. So I stayed there with the boys in the house, allowed S3 to finish his afternoon nap, and began working in the attic again -- going through some of the remaining boxes and boxes of junk we've stored there over the years. I loaded up my car with boxes of old magazines to throw away in my apartment's dumpster (Why we kept all this all these years, I cannot fathom.) And then I came downstairs, trying to ignore that friggin' bouquet of flowers still prominently displayed.
Well, I noticed that W had left her computer on and logged in. I couldn't help myself -- I peeked at her email. I found an email from her written August 8 to the OM. It would have chilled me to the bone had I not already seen evidence elsewhere. It merely confirmed one line of reasoning I had been following in trying to figure out W's behaviors of late. It was a major piece of the puzzle.
I know I'm not supposed be worrying about these things, much less thinking about them. I am supposed to be moving onward without concerning myself with her. But it's never that easy, it would seem.
Her letter to OM was an apology for bothering him at home. Apparetly she had ended up talking to OM's family and it got ugly. W refers to OM's family as his "tenants", several times. It said a lot of mushy stuff and whining about her life, and about what she sees as her duty to defend OM from his family's "abuse".
She's sick, folks. Putting two and two together, here is what I sense is the current scenario. W and OM are still involved, but more of as unrequited lovers now (never mind the occasional romantic rendezvous, like at the beach last weekend). OM obviously must have gone back to his W and family for some reason (money I suspect), but OMW doesn't know about my W, at least not fully, I believe. I think it quite possible that OM broke it off with W but has found it difficult to truly end the A -- probably because W continues to pursue him under the pretense of "friendship." To W, he is her "best friend" in the whole world, ever. She sees herself as his defending/avenging "angel" against an "abusive", unloving family. And he obviously keeps leading her on, and pursuing her back. The kind of push and pull relationship that drags on for years if they let it, or until it spins out of control.
What galls me is she spoke of how she had fantasies of a good, caring man beside her who loves her and was supportive, willing to take an interest and be involved in family life. She said she "didn't end up with that." But she had "fantasies" that the man he was (or "used to be"?) could fit into that. She bemoans the assertion that she never got that and that OM's "tenants" stood in the way.
As if she couldn't (or wouldn't) recognize what she had in me.
She is so lost.
...
I am okay now. I am still pondering this. I am thankful for the resolve this will afford me. I know she is far beyond my help right now. Even were she to change her mind this instance about our M, we'd still have so much mileage to cover. She needs help and she's not going to allow help from me. And she's not going to get it from the friends and family she hasn't pushed away.
Like I tell my S's... all we can do is to continue to pray for her.
NC, I agree 100% about the children part. We are adults, we are hurt by our spouse's actions, but how can they hurt their children so badly?
My H tends to forget that his a father to two wonderful daughters.
They don't even care apparently what their children think of their wrongdoings. I even asked my H one time, "How would you like it if a man treated one our daughters the way you have treated me?" He replied quietly, "I wouldn't like it." Yet he continues to set such a bad example for them.
All we can hope for is that our children will realize that although we are not perfect, we love our families and want to live life the way it should be lived and set an example for them.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Don't be so hard on yourself. We've all snooped and at times got more than we bargained for. The thing is, (for me anyway)that initially it hurt to see these things in black and white, but they also helped me to drop the rope and move on. Every piece of information gives us another piece of the puzzle. Realizing that there is not a darn thing we can do is also healing.
You are right though, you're wife has a whole other set of problems and I would bet my life that they have nothing to do with you. Well except for the fact that she thinks that it's you that's standing between her and her happiness. Too bad that her "happiness" doesn't include what's best for your children. That right there screams of a person who's out there looking for anything that will take her pain away.
