I read your posts last night but wanted to think a little before responding. So, this post may be a little frank but you know I mean it with the best intentions
So, to me it sounds like you know that your wife has been up to some stuff lately that she shouldn't have. You've established that, do you really need to know anymore? It sounds to me like snooping is doing you more harm than good? It really doesn't help your focus.
Saying that I wanted to ask you a little more about what your focus is at this point, as it seems a little unclear from your post. Focus is as important as without that we flounder. Focus can change, it doesn't have to be fixed and, as you have said, you have gone through a transformation process too. If the thought of your wife's (potential) activities are too much for you to bear and you feel that you can't carry on with trying to save your marriage then of course we will all support you. However, if you still want to carry on down the path you have chosen then you are going to have to put these concerns aside for a little while, and believe me I know how hard it is! This is kind of what you said to me the other day
It sounds to me like your wife has lived within a lot of restrictions in her life. You said you were both part of quite a controlling church and maybe she is having her second teenage rebellion years. One Day mentioned on her thread that her DBing coach had mentioned this as a form of midlife crisis. Here is the advice her coach gave her in case you find it helpful.
Quote:
Essentially she said the following
- H is behaving like a teenager. He's catching up and some of his behaviour is directed towards trying to get me to be done with him. - H's behaviour is motivated by seeking attention, and by feelings of inadequacy, guilt and shame. This is partly down to me, and partly a function of his R with MIL. Since I was part of the problem, I can be part of the solution. - There is hope in my situation, but I need to settle in for the long haul. H and I are currently friendly, but not in friendship (stage 2). - Since making contact is working, I need to keep going with that. - I need to be spontaneous and fun with him, and suggest getting together at short notice but let him take the lead on deciding the place/time. Whatever he says, I need to be enthusiastic and positive. Compliment him, be friendly. - Keep contact brief but frequent - Focus on letting go of negative feelings. This may be any negative feelings I have left over, and also (importantly) helping H let go of his feelings of inadequacy, guilt and shame. - When H expresses confusion I need to say 'if I know you, you'll figure it out' and leave it at that - H isn't going to let go of the aub until he's 100% sure things with me are a sure thing. I need to take my focus away from this and move it to helping H feel good about himself again
You said to me
Quote:
Julia, the need to have evidence is driven by her unwillingness to admit what she is doing. I do have to show her that I'm not the clingy needy co-dependent man that she has been with these last 18 years. I do need to show her that I'm a great Dad and that she is missing out.
What would it achieve if she were to admit what she was doing? What would you expect to happen from your point of view if this happened? Do you think it would ease your mind anymore? Do you think it would stop you snooping? What resolution would you get from this information? And I think you are already doing a pretty amazing job of showing her how strong and independent you are and what a great dad you are. I am sure she is fully aware of what she is missing out on and how shallow her choice of path is at the moment. She is just not ready to accept it yet. It is something that is very hard to do.
You need to make it safe for her to return instead of acting like a disapproving parent. She reacted that way to you when you said about the drink driving. I know you said it because you care and I don't underestimate your concern, you just have to show it as her peer, not as her parent. It sounds to me as if she has some things she needs to get out of her system. I'm not saying they are right, or even responsible but she is a grown woman.
Quote:
I can't compete with a man who has no kids and has plenty of disposable income to lavish on her.
You don't need to compete. You have her children, you have her family and that is far stronger than any superficial fling, or whatever. There is no competition really and what you view as baggage she sees as her family.
Quote:
The 180 will be when the kids are happy as clams to have Dad in the house for a week and when we switch off, the house is clean
This to me would be a haven to her. When you have this, maybe you could invite her round for a DVD with you and the kids. After all, she reached out to you and included you in her family day.
Quote:
and Dad has stories to tell of his adventures during the off weeks and yes, it will be to rub her face in it.
Really? Is this the new you? Sounds like a pretty bitter, revengeful you to me. Not the strong, independent man who doesn't need to prove anything to anyone because he is a great man and a great father...
Quote:
I think that the resolution is going to be to file for D from my W and continue working on me and continue to be open to a new R with her, but, probably not until I've had a chance to be without her.
Why does filing for divorce have to feature in this? Sounds pretty much like that old revenge need is rearing his ugly head. Is that truly what you want? And don't you think it will stir things up and exacerbate a situation that just needs to cool for a while? It's up to you my friend, just my thoughts.
