New month, new strategy

[istherehope]

Hi,

Just thought I'd kill off the old thread, and start September with something different. So I'll give a recap to the last thread.

For anyone who's been following my saga, you'll know that I've had a pretty hard time with everything partially because I'm out of the country during this separation period. This means that I've done a great job in giving physical space to my H because I have no choice. I've also recently gotten better about giving mental and emotional space, by never initiating contact unless it's urgent, not forwarding loads of emails etc. H has noticed these things and has commented.

However last week I had a backslide where when H sent me a conflicted email about how he didn't know whether he could be with me and make me and him happy, I called him, and basically said everything one isn't supposed to say, "don't tear our life apart", "don't shut the door on this,", "we haven't really even tried yet", "I'm willing to be patient and wait while you work on yourself" etc. This was of course very bad, and we had a joint coaching session the next night where he said he could make no guarantees, and also said that the call was very pressuring, and I was basically giving him a list of options for the ways in which we could get back together, as well as giving him a pep talk. At least on the session I got to concede that I understood this, and he thanked me for being so nice.

Since then we've had one IM talk, last night, that was fairly light-hearted, nothing serious, only a discussion about the budget, what we both did on Saturday etc.

Now I've realized that even my nice, light-hearted emails have mostly had some element of pressure. A light has gone off that I have still been asking for future reassurances, a sign of commitment etc. I am paranoid because I am going home in about 6 weeks, and at this point he has said that he's panicking about being under the same roof as me, and doesn't think he can do it. This means I have 6 weeks to try and demonstrate that this won't be a bad thing, and that we don't need more time apart. This will need to come from him though, as if I suggest anything, it is automatically unacceptable.

My new tactic is to look at each and every email I send with greater scrutiny, to make sure that I never use the future tense when referring to anything, to never talk about the M at all, and definitely not to ask him when he wants to see me. I did a 180 by sending him an email saying that we should spread out joint sessions more (no response on this one yet), and I'm doing a 180 by going to Dublin for 2 days, only sending him my itinerary and saying I need to get stuff from the house, but not asking to see him at all. My hope is that he will not send me any more conflicted emails about his confusion, but if he does, my new tactic is to ignore anything negative, and respond only to the parts that are somewhat positive.

H thinks that I need some kind of a schedule for contact, and I have told him I don't. However I think he is going to start calling me more, he has already said he'll try to call on Wednesday. My plan is not to take his call, or to take it and ask can we not speak later as I'm in the middle of something. I think in order for him to want me back in the house, he is going to need to think that I really don't feel the need to be in the house. In order for him to want to work on the M, I think he is going to need to feel that I have stopped trying to work on the M. He's felt like a passive partner in the marriage, and even though this isn't my fault completely, it does mean that anything I want seems to be almost automatically something he doesn't want. He needs to feel like he's in charge of everything if there is any chance I think.

If we do see each other in Dublin, he will need to initiate where and when. All I can do is be light and happy, not talk about the R (and hope he doesn't either), and end the evening early.

So, I have my work cut out for me over the next 6 weeks...

ITH