Letting go, Moving on

[frank_D]

Now, just to add. Many of you KNOW me. You know that, if given the opportunity, I would be happy to have my W back, EVEN after her latest infidelity.

BUT be sure of this. It won't be because I'm a woosey who needs her. Far from it.

I CHOSE to love her, and just like several old girlfriends whom I've not seen in years, I STILL love them in a special way.

Think about it. How many of you can think of a past love, male or female, that you still can honestly say you still 'love'.

Why?

Because love is a choice. And when you choose to love someone it doesn't just 'go away' when you are hurt,angry,confuser, or disturbed.

If you are a DECENT person, it stays for a long time.

If you are a LBS, you're angry and somewhat vindictive. How does that serve you?

For those of us who strive to be 'Christ-Like' we have to ask 'is this what Christ would do?'

For those of us who strive to be 'good and decent' we have to ask 'Am I harming them, or am I taking the higher road and doing no harm?'

For all of us with children, the WAS is at the very least the father / mother of our children.

Even if they are total evil bastards, WE are not required to 'play their game'.

I've quoted this many times. Go watch it again. Be above this.

LEARN!
substitute USSR and US for LBS and WAS

A strange game, the only winning move is not to play.

[4kids]

I would, with no hesitation.

So you'd give your life up for her, but you won't give your life up for her.

N.

[frank_D]

So you'd give your life up for her, but you won't give your life up for her.

Your post has no substance. Don't be an ass. Speak CLEARLY instead of innuendo.

I would PROTECT her biological life force. I will not submit myself to a life of misery, hurt and rejection from her actions.
God would not expect me to sit by while my wife commits adultery over and over again. The bible clearly denotes this.

Only a codependent christian would think other wise.

Perhaps you should look at that issue for yourself.

[4kids]

The post was clear enough for you to clarify your position. So you understood it.

Innuendo? It did appear to attack your character. That was ass-like. I apologize.

Your response helped me to clarify your position. I found a nugget in it as well:

I will not submit myself to a life of misery, hurt and rejection from her actions.

I don't know if you intended this, but you pointed out a very important concept: It is YOU who submits yourself to misery, hurt and rejection from her actions. Her actions are just actions. Her choices, however poor, are still her choices. How you let them affect you is where the struggle lies. Now don't take this as another assault on 'you'(ew, ass-ault, doesn't sound like a good choice of words in this context, but I'll let it stand) I think we all could put our own names in place of 'you' and give that thought some time to simmer. There is a marriage speaker and author by the name of Emerson Eggerichs who has a saying: "My response is my responsibilty".

Perhaps you should look at that issue for yourself.

Thanks for the concern.

I do not post very much, largely because of the statement quoted above. I would say that 75% of the posts I write never get submitted because I do the very thing you suggest. I re-read it and realize that much of what I'm trying to express I need to apply to myself.

N.

[AmyC]

I doubt it "hurt".

I think she probably found writing the check to be liberating.

Just like driving the minivan and paying twice as much for gas is liberating.

Just like not being able to participate in the day to day caretaking of the kids is liberating, so much so that she begged to clean the house.

Just like realizing that the fact that she wasn't paying for car insurance or cell phone and that I was carrying that load for her was liberating.

Just like the fact that D13 treats her like S h i t when they talk is liberating.

Amy, you know I love you and I'll do anything I can to help you through your hardships in life. I value many peoples opinions on this board. Lately I've seen the majority of people coming from places of bitterness

Don't you all think that holding on to your bitterness won't eventually consume you? Sure my W is acting like a 17 year old. She isn't keeping her vows and to be truthful, I'm not even sure I want her to ever come back.

But, I'm not going to be bitter and hold on to the anger. No way no how.

I'm not going to ENABLE bad behavior, I'm not going to reward bad behavior. I'm not a doormat or a codependent. I'm a GOOD man who can FORGIVE while maintaining STRONG boundaries. Did I make mistakes? Yes. Am I sorry? Yes. Did SHE make huge mistakes? Yes, and their because she hasn't made the choice to take responsibility for her life.

Are the rest of you men and women who keep wanting me to punish her able to do that?

No, I'm not condoning or defending her. She has done a lot of wrong to me.


But the bitterness is not going to consume me like it seems to have consumed so many who didn't heal their marriages.

She's been away from her house for 24 hours. Likely with OM having some spiritual fun. I don't condone or approve of this, and I'm moving closer to never wanting her back.

But I don't hate her, nor do I want to punish her. She will end up punishing herself. God will help.

I'm not coming from a place of bitterness.
I am coming from a position of having been there.

For a woman who has felt that she has never really done anything on her own or paid for anything she has by herself, has felt she was trapped and has now began to break free - writing a $60 check could have been damned liberating.

As for what you said about bitterness and people wanting you to "punish" your wife, you are out of your mind. I'm real sorry you are having a hard time giving her a reality check and only want to dole it out to her baby spoons but how dare you suggest I would recommend it because I want her to suffer.

My life - and the state of my relationship with my own husband - happens to be going very well right now. Is it because I'm no longer putting the details on the board that you think I must be bitter? You assume wrong.

While I don't know your wife's position or her feelings there has been much that she has said over the past few months that I relate to personally. In many ways I do think I know exactly what she is going through. I sympathize with where she is in her life right now but I also sympathize with where she has put you.

That said, you do what you want to do Frank and do it however you want to do it. You are the only one that has to live with it.
Keep letting her come over anytime she wants to. Let her clean up after you. Don't separate anything. You can sit there feeling like you've actually done something for yourself and meanwhile she will start to have two very separate and distinct lives; one in which she forges her independence and the other which keeps you hanging on.

Good luck.

[SirPrizeMe]

For a woman who has felt that she has never really done anything on her own or paid for anything she has by herself, has felt she was trapped and has now began to break free - writing a $60 check could have been damned liberating.

Hey Amy, can you tell me more about how you moved away from "feeling trapped" ?

I heard that so many times from my wife. What changed so that you don't feel trapped?

(sorry for the hijack, frank)

[poet]

Hi Frank, Amy etc.

Frank, I started to answer your post, but I lost the whole thing as I was about to send it. hhhmmmmmmmm!

Anyway, I wanted to say thank you for your selfless, thoughtful response to my post. I'll have to think about it. I will say that I have quit posting -- at least for now -- to my own thread for various reasons. When I first came on board here, everyone was helpful, and everyone visited my thread. Now, no one does, so I'm pretty despondent as far as my thread is concerned. Also, I've never experience negativity between each other, and I've recently seen some traces of bad behavior among us, even on my own thread. I guess you could say it scares me away.

Amy, if you are doing good with your sitch, I want to read about it. Could you point me to your thread? And if I go there, I'd want to read the details of whats working. I know my sitch is a lost cause, but who knows. Maybe I'll find hope in yours.

I really wish I could find the goodness and inspiration I once found from everyone here. I've seemed to have lost it somehow. Where are all the positives? Is it that time of year?

poet

[SirPrizeMe]

I know what you mean, Poet. I stopped maintaining a thread for myself a while ago, for the same reason. I got some really aggressive responses, and it was not helpful at all. So I checked out. Anyway I know exactly what you mean.

[craig54]

Poet,

The inspiration is still here. There is alot of frustration, because people want to see some positive results, and they have been slow in coming.It is tough to read about situations where you are seeing people suffering, sometimes because of their own actions or lack of action. So don'tlet it get you down, I hardly have anyone posting on my situation. I believe the Lord is telling me to try and help others, I have received awesome advice over the last 11 months. So don't give up, engage.

[frank_D]

I'm not coming from a place of bitterness.
I am coming from a position of having been there.

For a woman who has felt that she has never really done anything on her own or paid for anything she has by herself, has felt she was trapped and has now began to break free - writing a $60 check could have been damned liberating.

Ok Amy, from you I can accept that. You're probably right about how she felt.

As for what you said about bitterness and people wanting you to "punish" your wife, you are out of your mind. I'm real sorry you are having a hard time giving her a reality check and only want to dole it out to her baby spoons but how dare you suggest I would recommend it because I want her to suffer.

Amy, so many people post in tones that are what I consider 'bitter'. Short attacks on my W. I'm sorry that your post pushed my final button. I am tired of the mean spirited ones, the ones that seem bitter. I know you didn't mean it that way.

You're not one of them. I just reacted. I apologize to you for that.

My life - and the state of my relationship with my own husband - happens to be going very well right now. Is it because I'm no longer putting the details on the board that you think I must be bitter? You assume wrong.

Ok, I'm happy to hear that.

While I don't know your wife's position or her feelings there has been much that she has said over the past few months that I relate to personally. In many ways I do think I know exactly what she is going through. I sympathize with where she is in her life right now but I also sympathize with where she has put you.

Ok Amy, but what do I DO? I just see this continuing to progress slowly toward divorce. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY I know who knows HER thinks otherwise. Most are telling me to 'cut my losses' now.

Like I said, it's the people who post in what I think of as mean spirited attacks on her that I'm reacting to. I don't like it because I'm finding MYSELF starting to act that way. To talk down about her

Keep letting her come over anytime she wants to. Let her clean up after you. Don't separate anything. You can sit there feeling like you've actually done something for yourself and meanwhile she will start to have two very separate and distinct lives; one in which she forges her independence and the other which keeps you hanging on.

I never thought this part would be so hard.