God give me the patience and the strength...6

[theotherhalf]

Not much WCW. I helped some but not alot. I watered/fed when he couldn't. I baled/loaded/unloaded hay when we squared. I helped move machinery. I help pull calves. I bottle fed calves. That's about it. I was always busy with the house and girls. And he never took the time to show me stuff.

And your right about the coming in. Although I love it when he comes in so we can catch up. It hurts so bad when he leaves and it keeps me wondering. And I do keep the cows watered. He still comes for one reason or another.

Journaling...
Friday was a BAD night. I went to demos with niece and friend. Then we went back to town. All was good till 12:30 and BIL calls me. "where's everybody at?" I told him H was at work. He said no, he came back right away as he didn't have to. I said well did you go to his house? He said ya it's dark, trucks there but I didn't see the bike. I asked if he called him. He said ya but the phone goes right to VM. I told him well you can pretty much guess where he is. I left to go home. I stopped at H's. I knocked a couple of times, then went to leave. He came to the door as I was leaving. He had been sleeping. He was mad. I apologized. Told him that BIL was looking for him. Apologized again and left. After I got home, he called. He was angry. He thought I thought OW was there with him. I told him "no, honestly when you didn't answer the door I assumed you had were not home and with her". He went on to say he was done. Going to file next week. Get this sh*t over with. Blah, blah, blah. And I admit. He pulled me right in AGAIN. He finally hung up and I went to bed.

Sat am I went to his house to get a couple of things. I asked him when he was coming to get the rest of his things so I don't have to look at them anymore. I asked what happens now. Are we going to sell the farm. And alot of other questions and talk that I knew was pointless or that I know I shouldn't say. I really didn't get any concrete answers. Ya know, you just get to the point that your tired of all the crap. I'm tired of the threat of D. Sometimes I'm just "do it already! get it over with!" Well it was all for nothing anyway. Finally we both headed to the farm.

There he asked if I'd help move bales of the field. I did. Afterwards he sat here a little while. Like normal. Like nothing happend. He was in a pretty good mood actually. At one point (I really had a bad day, could cry at a drop of a hat). I said I glad for you that life is all good and your so happy. He said well there's no point in being miserable. I said, ya for you and the tears started coming so I stood and said enough and went into the house. He got up and left.

Later him and BIL and SIL, H's N and kids all came out. Had a fire and sat around. I faked it and made it through the evening. H tapped me on the leg and said "I suppose I better go home." I said see you later. He burned out of the drive went E (the way he used to go when he was heading for OW's)(normally goes W towards town)and burned up the road. BIL and SIL asked what he was mad about I said nothing that I know of. Who knows. A while later I talked to N and she said he was home. So I think he just went that way to see if I'd call thinking he went to OW's. GEEZ do they ever get over the childishness?

This morning he calls and asked if I made breakfast. I said ya I made cream sausage over bisquits. He said k I'll be out cuz I want to pull trees out of fenceline. He came about 1/2 later. We spent most of the day hauling bales to a guy in town. When we were done he sat outside with me. He said he was going to his cousins. I said nothing. He ended up staying a hour or two longer. Said when he left he may come back out and we'd have a fire. I just waved. He never came. I figured. Heard he was home sitting on his deck.

Now I'm shaking my head...but whatever H.

I went to go to church this morning but was late. I went anyway and thought if the doors were still open I'd go. I got there and they were closed and no one was around so I didn't. I'll try again next week. So instead I drove around and listen to mass on the radio. Weird, I know but it's a start.

Hope you are all having a good weekend...
TOH