Help...I think I did a 180...I hope

[Sophie]

Working on 'Faith'...

"Faith" is:

Believing H is going to do what he says he is going to do.

Believing in H and his determination to manage two households.

Trusting H!

It's a tough one!!!

But, it's time to do a 180 and let go of some stuff that keeps me anxious, nervous and ultimately...resentful and bitter.

I still think H's affair damaged him more than me....the affair was the 'bomb'...we talked and talked, reconnected BIG time...ups and downs for a year. He almost had a nervous breakdown....and ran!!

Deep breath...

[Walking]

Hey Sophie

Sounds like you are doing really well at recognising your issues and dealing with them - ie 'scolding', freaking out at messages from creditors etc and that's important - BUT it is also important to look after your financial issues.

Given your name is on the mortgage, why not contact the bank and find out what the situation is? You don't need to do that with or through H - you can just do it on your own. For your own information.

I'm going to say something now which might sting - but you need to think about it - you and H are not a team right now. I've noticed that when something happens your first reaction is to want to contact H and confirm it. I was like that - like something wasn't real unless H and I had discussed it. Right now, one of the things you can start working on is your independence - and part of that is seeking your own information, taking responsibility for knowing what your financial obligations are. That doesn't mean that H is any less responsible for them, it just means that you are informed about the extent to which your family is in credit/debit.

Has H always managed the finances? If so, perhaps it would be a 180 to suggest to him that you help with them. If you have always managed the finances, this is a good 180 - letting H have responsibility for juggling the books.

Geez...I must be horrible to live with for him to choose to stay where he is now.

You know that's not the issue right?

Take care, V

[Sophie]

Hi V:)

Has H always managed the finances? If so, perhaps it would be a 180 to suggest to him that you help with them. If you have always managed the finances, this is a good 180 - letting H have responsibility for juggling the books.

I'm glad you asked this because it helps reaffirm my 180's!!

You may have noticed I am 'eh-hm' just a fewyears older than H. We were raised so different that we have been quite compatible.

I was raised very sheltered, strick and with a controlling dad.
H was raised very...un sheltered...left to his own, much more freedom, parents are definately NOT controlling. H is the youngest of 4 kids. I am the oldest of 4 kids.

Anyway, by the time we met, I had a house that my dad help me make a down payment on. I had to pay him back...and he never let me forget it until I did.

Additionally, I am a math teacher! Yikes...a teacher, a controlling father...I have to fight my 'control freak' nature.

I try to think of myself as 'organized' not 'controlling'.

I always did the bills and managed the money. That became a huge part of the 'problems' and reasons H wanted to be on his own.

H said 'I just deposit the money and keep hearing there is NO money'. H said, 'People ask me what our electric bill is to compare with theirs...and I don't even know what our electric bill is!"

He does now! When H left, 04/05...I handed the books over. He took it all and has found his way of managing it.

I have, since he left, taken on about 1/3 of the bills.

H has 2/3 and I have 1/3. Our income are proportional to that. H pays the big ones...mortgage, insurances(med,life,car), electric.

I pay everything else for the kids and me, everything...and I am a stay home mom. (I teach online from home)

Of course....H has his own place and upkeep to pay on top of the 2/3 he contributes here. And...that's his problem.

If H lived here, we'd be quite comfortable. Maybe, we wouldn't be as comfortable if this never happened because, I have taken on more work that I might not have done if he didn't leave.


We have settled into an 'agreement' of our own which usually works.

Every now and then, he gets short on money...I get scared, worry then get mad!!

H says he just didn't stay on top of it because of all the hours he'd been working...and the late bills do get paid.

I've offered to pay his bills...as a 'secretary' so to speak.

Nope...he didn't want me to do that.

So...I have to let go and let him.

I know how to check all accounts...I do it periodically. The other day I chose not to because I couldn't trust myself to refrain from scolding and yelling if I found out things were worse than the junk mail suggested.

I am trying to let H handle his responsibilities without my interference. I may offer to help, but I think H doesn't see it that way. I think H hears me wanting to take over as if H can't handle it!

I've noticed that when something happens your first reaction is to want to contact H and confirm it. I was like that - like something wasn't real unless H and I had discussed it.

I was going to ignore the foreclosure junk mail....but...either I felt I had to give him a heads up IN CASE he was wrapped up in whatever. Or, I didn't want H to think I was in lala land and that these things would slip by me. (that is a still a bit of my trying to control this situation)

Quote:
Geez...I must be horrible to live with for him to choose to stay where he is now.


You know that's not the issue right?

I should know that...it's REALLY hard to get that through my head and heart though!

Whew...didn't mean to go on and on. But, I hope this helps you understand a little about our background.

thanks so much for checking on me from time to time

[Sophie]

Hi V...I just wanted to let you know that I've been checking back through your threads. I'm just getting started!

I wanted to get to know you better. You've been there for me.

Thank you...I'm not sure if I found your first post. I think I did.

Thank you for your insight.

Talk to ya later.

[Sophie]

I'm still doing my own thing.
I'm still staying out of the way between H and kids.
I'm still no contact.
I'm still jogging and working out.
Kids and I are still going to church.


H has had full access to the kids, since July 30th...D8's bday.

And...

H is still...the INVISable MAN....

He has not contacted them or me.... He sent a text to oldest son the Sunday night before the first day of school...after bedtime. 'Have a great first day of school'

He sent S a text the night before that saying 'Sup Bra?'

What kind of talk is that for a dad????

Son shakes his head and deletes.

H said he wants to get close to kids but does nothing.

Do I have to make that happen for him?

Do I have to write up a schedule for him?( whenever we've come to some sort of schedule where H helps out with the kids stuff...it works for about 2 weeks. Then H starts cancelling due to work...)

I give up!!
It's more work for me to schedule for him!!

H knows this was the first week of school...H as done nothing.
H knows there has been soccer practice all week....nothing.

I told him about the first practice. H sent an email late in the afternoon saying he was going to try to make practice, but... he had to work too late and said....'at least it's just practice and not a game'

THAT'S MY POINT!!! For this entire last year...since last Labor Day weekend...H has only come to soccer games during September, October, April and May. And each of the 3 kids bday...and Easter.

H used to go to every practice and every game! H used to be a great soccer 'dad'...

I'm SO bored with this tonight!!

I feel good that I am probably doing a better job raising the kids all by myself than if H lived here! The kids may turn out okay!!!


AND....lately, I've had to deal with issues concerning boys...and raising them with manners and controlling their....urges and gestures...and after I go crazy on them I get SO FIRETRUCKIN MAD at 'dad'...for not giving ANYTHING to raising these kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

H has absolutely NO CLUE where these three kids are in their lives...they have been through 2 1/2 school years without him!

H yelled at me for holding them 'hostage'!! So...with help here, and church... I let go and it is FREEDOM

I planned to have him take the kids this weekend, but the kids have such fun plans with their friends. I'm also leary of contacting him for anything. H doesn't answer. If I leave an invitation, it gets ignored.

I guess I could just say 'Hi, you want the kids this weekend?"

How could he say no to that??? Do I have to force the kids to stay with him? Do I go with what the kids want or do I make the four of them reconnect?

I listened...and I heard H say he wants to reconnect with his kids.

H isn't doing anything.

I did all I could to step aside. I know it takes time, but you'd think he'd jump at the 'open door' to be with his kids.

I guess I'll see what happens at the first soccer game next Saturday....
...hopefully, I'll simmer down by then and be back in my 'as if' frame of mind.

I'm just really worn out right now.

[Sophie]

Maybe my thread can be moved to the '180 workshop' forum?

[Walking]

Hi Sophie

Sounds like you feel a bit stuck?

Do I have to make that happen for him?

No. It's not your job - he's a big boy it's up to him.

Do I have to write up a schedule for him?( whenever we've come to some sort of schedule where H helps out with the kids stuff...it works for about 2 weeks.

Having said no - I'm about to do a flip. The issue of him spending time with the kids in order for him to have a relationship with them is up to him. BUT the issue of him sharing the parenting, so that you get a break and have some capacity to rebuild your own life may have to be up to you.

Have you thought about getting a parenting plan together with him, using a mediator or whatever regulatory system you have in your area so that he can take some responsibility for looking after them?

A parenting plan would do 2 things - it would make him SHARE the responsibilities of caring for his children and it would give you some time out - which everyone of us needs from time to time.

I listened...and I heard H say he wants to reconnect with his kids. .. I did all I could to step aside. I know it takes time, but you'd think he'd jump at the 'open door' to be with his kids.

Yeah - you did good. I suspect there's an element of him wondering if this is a trap (men are such cynical creatures), but I think the biggest issue is that he's just not himself and he doesn't know how to do it - hence a nudge along with a formal agreement for him to do his bit might help break the status quo.

Take care, V

[Sophie]

Hi V--Hi:)

Yeah - you did good. I suspect there's an element of him wondering if this is a trap (men are such cynical creatures), but I think the biggest issue is that he's just not himself and he doesn't know how to do it - hence a nudge along with a formal agreement for him to do his bit might help break the status quo.

I agree...H might think I'm full of it. I know I get impatient.

IF he means what he says about reconnecting and being with his kids, I would think he'd jump at any chance to be with them...especially when I appear agreeable and easy going about it!!

I wonder why he doesn't???? H has not called to get together with his kids this entire last year without an excuse of a bday, xmas,halloween, thanksgiving or easter. H did not even ask for them on Father's Day!!! H was devestated that the kids and I did not plan anything for him, yet we hadn't heard from him for over 3 weeks prior.

Are we just the 'starter family'????

Anyway, it just shows how messed up H is. I hurt for him; it's sad that the best I can do for H is leave him alone. That goes against my nature!

As far as scheduling the shared parenting...H isn't interested in 'parenting'...he just wants to 'hang out', go camping, go fishing, etc. One problem is that he must work 50-80 hour weeks, at 1 ,2, or 3 jobs to maintain his seperate life and the 2/3 of the bills here. How is that a better life than we had???


In the end, it's more work for me keeping H on the schedule than to just do it myself.

I think H just doesn't want kids and a marriage. With me, or anyone else.

I wish I had conversations, or interaction between H and I to share with you here. But, I don't.

There is nothing. H is absent.

Take care of you, V:)

Thanks for checking in on me from time to time. I'm not too happy being on these boards. I don't know how to communicate....so I just read how everyone else is coping.

[Walking]

I'm not too happy being on these boards. I don't know how to communicate....so I just read how everyone else is coping.

Sheesh - you are hard on yourself girlfriend.

You'll get more people over to your thread (if that's what you want) by writing some comments or encouragement on other peoples threads - they'll come over and read about you. I'm not much good to you there because I'm an old timer who doesn't post for myself anymore - my marriage is done and I'm healing.

Also, you are doing really well - you are keeping yourself out of the drama and demonstrating very good DB skills - there's nothing for people to jump on you for.

Keep at it girlfriend. Be kind to yourself. This is one of the most difficult things you will have to go through in your life - and you are doing it - with class and dignity.

Take care.

V

[Sophie]

Hi V:)

You'll get more people over to your thread (if that's what you want) by writing some comments or encouragement on other peoples threads - they'll come over and read about you. I'm not much good to you there because I'm an old timer who doesn't post for myself anymore - my marriage is done and I'm healing.

Thanks...I spent a lot of time on some of your beginning posts:)

I am a beginner at posting, that is for sure. But, I've been dealing with this way beyond the beginner stage. I haven't felt in a proper position yet to respond to others...knowledge wise...but, I'm getting there. Otherwise, I will start popping in to relate my experience.

As I predicted, this morning there was an email from H.

I had mentioned a couple weeks ago that soccer games were going to begin 9-2. (I didn't know the exact schedule at the time...I've just been taking the boys to practice 2-3 times a week at different places...across the county)

Email from H:

'Hi,

Did you guys receive your soccer game schedules? If so, when and where is the first game?

Hope you guys had a good week at school. (not too stressful)'
~~~

I don't know who he means by 'you guys'....I don't even think H is talking to me other than I am the one to get the emails.

I responded:

Yea...it's in the car.... first games are Saturday at 9. S13, at field a (i think) and S10 at field b. (i think)

S10's coach stressed for them to be at a game 1/2 hour early!

First week went great.

D8 hasn't started SCOPE yet. She fell down during her mile run, skinned her knees. All the kids came running when she cried. So, she felt better.

S10 has two awesome MAN teachers (and a nice female math teacher). His main teacher is Mr. G.

Nick is BMOC, is a monitor for the office on A days....so, he feels important.


I'm guessing you've been busy with the new job.

~~~
Anyway,

He has not responded. It feels like he is just not interested or...I offended him somehow.