When I went to church today, they have a group of prayer people who you can go talk to, have a prayer together. For the second week I decided I needed someone to help me.
I approached this one pastor who listened to my situation and the first thing he ask me is "was she abused as a child?". W was sexually abused by the neighbor kid when she was 12 and didn't tell anyone about the repeated abuse for years.
He listened to my story and said that abused people have huge trust issues. I know that I do and it took me a long time to be comfortable with my W. But, when I got beat up and knocked down years ago it was she who betrayed my trust by isolating herself from me and letting her fears take her over. That was DB #1.
I totally understand that she is a damaged person and I'm sad for her. The pastor said that 'if she is really carrying on with some guy, it's only going to last until things go wrong. Then she'll run away from that one."
I mentioned the 'crying to come clean the house' and he said that was GOOD that I let her because it allows her to briefly see the connection that she is supposed to have with her family and her husband.
But, she does have to be out of the house while she is behaving this way.
We had a prayer for healing and the pastor offered to have someone be my support contact during this journey.
A minute or so later another man came by whom I had approached last Sunday for prayer support. He remembered my name and said that he prayed for me all last week.
I started to get teary eyed because I just have a hard time believing that strangers could care enough about me to do these things.
I felt a lot less alone.
Later this afternoon D17 and her boyfriend were hanging around the house. We were talking about D13's birthday this week and D17 reminded me that my birthday is coming soon, Oct 19th. She asked me what I wanted for my birthday since I am going to turn 50.
Well, I couldn't say anything. I was thinking about how my life is right now, how I'd like my family restored for my birthday. How I would just like my birthday to pass by unnoticed.
I'm not in a pity party for myself, I just feel the hurt today. It's a holiday weekend and I'm home while W is out somewhere with someone else. I so want this to be over one way or another sooner rather than later.
The pastor and the other fellow both felt like things weren't done between W and I, they just think she is reacting to the hardships and running away hoping to find something to make her 'feel better'.
That's all fine and good but it isn't something to place bets on.
